Gordon in the morning: Suddenly, baseball players are interesting

Does Gordon believe that Madonna is going to get divorced or not? Surely, what with his position as the the Prime Minister of Showbiz, we should expect him to at least know what he believes - but one minute he's running denials of divorce, the next copying the details of the Alex Rodriguez denupitalising from the New York Post as some sort of evidence to the contrary.

It's fine if you don't have a clue, Gordon, but at least be honest about it.

Instead, we get lumbered with Smart trying to sound like he understands baseball and kabbalah:

She strongly denies an affair with A-Rod, America’s highest-paid baseball idol.

Madonna, 49, said in a statement: “I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us.

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study.”

And, to be fair to Madonna, she wasn't named in court papers - her name has been floated by one of the soon-to-be-Mrs-Rod's lawyers:

Earle Lilly, another of Cynthia’s lawyers, claimed A-Rod and Madonna “are still together” – although last night the singer was with husband GUY RITCHIE in New York.

Mr Lilly said A-Rod was smitten with Madonna, but added: “The correct analysis is a relationship.

“Some people categorise an affair as sexual infidelity. We’re not claiming that – it’s an affair of the heart.”

So Madonna not named in divorce proceedings and accused of not having sex with a man not her husband. Hold the, um... well, Bizarre page.

If trying to unpick a baseball kabbalahic divorce is tricky for Gordon, his team are also having to struggle with science, as well, with the claims that Amy Winehouse is using tanning tables to an extent that "pals" are worried. Pete Samson is left to deal with the... well, lets call it a story to be kind, shall we?:

Pals are worried because the pasty star spends more than an hour a day absorbing its rays in a desperate attempt to get back to brown

And the problem with that, Pete?

Rehab singer Amy, 24, even dozes off under the ultraviolet lamps, which release the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.

Let's just look at that again, shall we?

the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.

Yes, it's bad for you and, yes, nobody should fall asleep on a sunbed. But given her lifestyle, this risk from "the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight" seems an odd thing to be worrying about right now. Even if it's true.