The photo is, unmistakably, of Lily Allen. The headline is unequivocal:
Blimey - what has been happening overnight, then?
It turns out it wasn't actually her terror, or her kidnap, but the kidnap of a friend. About six weeks ago. And most of Gordon's story underneath is not about kidnap - of Allen or her acquaintances - but, erm, about the GQ Awards. A glittering affair, it seems:
Collecting the Band Of The Year gong from ELLE MACPHERSON, he said: “Fucking hell, a giraffe in a dress. Nice one.”
And, yes, alongside Elton John's "Amy Winehouse can't be with us, but we must crack on" gag, "ooh there's a tall woman" probably did sound like sparkling wit.
Still, I'm sure GQ will be delighted that their expensive awards bash has generated, erm, acres of coverage about Lily Allen's mate being kidnapped.
Elsewhere, Kate Moss has had a small anchor tattooed on her wrist:
Or maybe it’s some sort of rhyming slang for ex PETE DOHERTY.
Yes. Maybe it is. I know when I've had a public, painful break-up, my first thought is "how can I scar myself in a random way to remember him by?"