Hold the front page - or, rather, replace the blocky top bit at the top of Bizarre with a single story: Gordon Smart has a world exclusive:
PARIS HILTON has dumped her rocker lover BENJI MADDEN after nine months, I can exclusively reveal.
Paris Hilton was going out with someone from a Blink 182 tribute band? Really? And now she isn't? Blimey.
You could understand Gordon poking this onto the page to pad it out, but treating it as such a major story makes it look like he's given up caring about Sun readers and is now merely running a column to try and catch Perez Hilton's eye.
Still, at least Gordon can take comfort in knowing that today, he doesn't have the worst celebrity-related featured: he's been out rubbished by Bella Battle on the Sun Woman pages:
Hair-larious new looks for Wino
When I tell you the rotten headline pun is the best thing about the feature, you'll know what we're dealing with here: a padding piece comprised of photos of Amy Winehouse with other people's hair poorly photoshopped onto her head. Perhaps the best-worst is the Jennifer Lopez one (because doesn't Lopez have a trademark hairstyle?) where they've not even bothered to try and take out Winehouse's real hair (or real fake hair) from the photo.
Back over at Bizarre, Gordon runs a McFly piece which smells a bit like a made-up story:
POP pups McFLY have been forced to cut a scene from their festive TV ad amid fears it would spark copycat behaviour from fans.
Pop pups? They're in their 20s, Gordon, it's not like they're S Club 8.
Gordon goes on to reveal that "advertising standards" have forced the cut:
No, they are worried crazed fans might start trying to give each other human heads for Christmas.
The offending promo featured people exchanging presents, only for one to open a box and find bassist DOUGIE POYNTER’s head in it.
Gordon slams - yes, slams - this as "ludicrous" and you'd have to agree with him. It's ludicrous expecting us to believe that a mysterious "ad chief" has somehow banned a lame joke from an advertisement and that this is anything other than a PR exercise trying to get us interested in McFly latest whatever it is they're trying to flog. It might be a record, or perhaps they've had their faces put on Pop Tarts.