Gordon in the morning: Seasick and buried

If only I had a range of made-up prizes to share out, like Gordon's 'Shagger Of The Year' prize, I'd be reaching into my sack to give Bizarre one today, for giving an unlikely lead story to Seasick Steve. It's unexpected, and it's quite a nice piece:

The former hobo told me: “I didn’t even know what the Brits was. My record label had to explain it to me. I thought they were joking."

That's a wonderful quote. They can add it to the press releases, right after someone from the BPI tries to claim that the Brits are one of the most impressive global events of the year.

Nice work, everybody. And putting a bloke with a beard and a check shirt at the heart of your double-page spread is surprising and uplifting.

What a pity, though, that the online edition of Bizarre has the story buried away at the bottom of the page, making vital space for stories about Caprice in her pants and Lady GaGa in her pants.

There is some breaking news, though: Universal have sent an executive out to have a word with Amy Winehouse. Sorry, I say "executive" - according to Richard White, he's actually a "bigwig":

AMY WINEHOUSE’s record label yesterday flew a bigwig to her holiday resort for a heated showdown.

Universal’s commercial director Brian Rose was dispatched to St Lucia to “drive some common sense” into the singer.

A heated showdown, eh? Is that one that you pop into a microwave for thirty seconds before using it?

For those who haven't been keeping up, there's a recap of Amy's behaviour:

The 25-year-old has been snapped crawling under tables begging for alcohol from other guests after staff at the swish Caribbean resort refused to serve her.

Guests also said the Rehab star has been blowing as much as £8,000 on food and drink for people she barely knows.

Actually, if she's been taking drinks off people, and buying drinks for people, doesn't that make her more or less square with the other guests?

So, Universal is putting its foot down, is it?

Universal last night confirmed Mr Rose had flown to St Lucia but insisted the meeting was to discuss future projects.

Well, yes - but that could take the form 'when are you going to stop crawling under tables and start making us some more money', couldn't it?

I think we know how this story ends, though, don't we?:

CHERYL COLE was looking as good as ever at London’s Zuma restaurant, where she was discussing plans with American music execs to crack the US.

We have that she was doing this on good authority because, erm, of some eavesdropping:

A fellow diner at the Japanese hotspot said: “They told her she’s in big demand.”

... before explaining that he'd dropped a bread roll on the floor, and that was the only reason he was crawling around under the table listening, you understand.

Cheryl Cole is in big demand in America, is she? Can we have some calibration for this - is it more or less than the demand for a revival of Melrose Place, for example?