Gordon in the morning: Too much wine and too much Winehouse

So, yesterday - where were we? Amy doing circus lessons, right? So today, Gordon's team, then, would be expected to be leading on a 'bad Amy' story, yes? Yes.

WASTED AMY WINEHOUSE is reduced to crawling up to holidaymakers and grabbing their drinks — after fed-up resort staff refused to serve her.

Crawling? On all fours? Like some sort of Oddbins Gollum?

Smart and his team have documented this holiday with the sort of attention to detail that geography teachers bring to their vacations on glaciers. Only loyal readers of Bizarre might be confused, as some days Amy is reported as being loved-up and on the mend; other days, her supposed crush is reported as being cold and Winehouse is minesweeping. It looks like Gordon has realised even his readers might have spotted the confusion, and he's come up with a neat solution. If Bizarre can't keep itself straight - why, it's Amy's fault:

The Rehab star also baffles guests with her mood swings.

One said: “One minute she is very pleasant, saying, ‘All right darlin’ and chatting to people and having photos taken. The next she is throwing things and swearing her head off.”

Aha - it's not that the Sun is extrapolating wildly from each set of photos it gets sent. Oh, no: Winehouse is suffering mood swings.

As if it wasn't enough Winehouse, Pete Samson has a separate, dubious-sounding Winehouse story that is at least more diverting than the latest St Lucia dispatch:

TROUBLED AMY WINEHOUSE has been offered her first movie role

Hang about - is it a good idea to cast a "troubled" star, Pete?

- if she can clean up her act.

Aha.

The Rehab star, 25, has been sent a script by Universal Pictures.

And a coach is available to help improve her acting skills.

But bosses have warned she must keep up her drug rehabilitation.

It's not clear if she's able to carry on hiding under tables and pinching discarded Bacardi Breezers while starring in the film. I expect this is the sort of detail agents work out later on.

So, what's the role?

She would play a music teacher in a problem school.

Aha. Inspiring pupils and so on? Hang on, though, doesn't that sound a little like...

A source revealed: “The movie is a bit like MICHELLE PFEIFFER’s film Dangerous Minds."

No, no - doesn't that sound a bit like Grange Hill? Is Amy being lined up for Scruffy McGuffy: The Musical?

“You can’t have a teacher looking like a scrawny crack addict. It’s hoped the offer will be an incentive for her.”

Oh yes... the sweet, loving, instant embrace of a glowing crack-pipe, or the chance to slog your arse off for months producing a straight-to-DVD cliche-romp. With stage school kids pretending to be edgy. Michelle Pfeiffer would probably advise Amy to stick to the drugs.