Cheryl Cole is a hit in America. No, really, Gordon says so:
CHERYL COLE is music’s most wanted star, having charmed the pants off the Yanks.
The GIRLS ALOUD beauty has just arrived back from a hugely successful stint in Los Angeles where she was offered more jobs than an Italian power station worker.
Uh-oh: Gordon's trying for a topical joke. Sure, it might not make any sense (isn't the problem that the power station guys were offered just the one job?) and it's stirring up trouble in an already raw-area (blah blah blah taking our jobs); and, sure, it hardly even stands up as a philosophical exposition of The Sun's kneejerk xenophobia (Italians working in Britain = bad, but, apparently, unskilled British workers working in America = a wonderful example of how lifting national barriers to employment can improve us all). But, still, I'm choosing to see this as Gordon's first tentative steps to move to the newsdesk.
Anyway, Cheryl Cole was in America - and it was a success, was it, Gordon? Oddly, a quick poke about on Google News doesn't suggest many Americans even noticed she was there; nearly all the coverage of her trip seems to be in the UK media.
Still, she got all these offers, did she?
A source said: “Mika is in the States working on his new album. He went for dinner with the chief of Universal records and Cheryl was invited along too.
“They were chatting about their plans for the future and Mika said he’d love to work on her solo material."
Ah, Mika. Yes, I remember him. Couldn't she have met up with Mika in London? And, strictly speaking, isn't Cole traipsing halfway across the world to see Mika a bit like the Queen going door-to-door to deliver the OBEs? You know, it's a nice gesture, but surely putting the wrong person out?
And what else? These was another chat with William - sorry, Will-I-am and a trip to the Grammys:
She also attended the Grammys where record bosses were queueing up with fat chequebooks and warm handshakes.
Mmm. Getting to shake the clammy hands of record bosses. That's quite a honour.
Elsewhere, there's another splash from Emily Smith, who has put together a story about Michael Jackson having MRSA. Or possibly a staph infection.
There's a stack of quotes from Dr Anthony Youn:
"Many people in the health-care system can contract this disease via cuts to the skin.
“But it is possible Mr Jackson contracted it through surgery on his nose. There are occasions where patients contract the infection during plastic surgery procedures."
That's a fascinating insight, Dr Youn. And when did you have your consultation with Michael Jackson?
Dr Anthony Youn[...] has not treated Jacko but has viewed the shocking photos of the star.
Presumably the same photos that the Sun has run on the Bizarre website - long lens shots in which Jackson either has his back to the camera, or is wearing a mask which covers most of his face. There is one picture where you can see a tiny part of Jacko's cheek. But only a small piece. Still, if Dr Youn is happy to give a diagnosis based on that; well, he's the doctor.