It's not just Rihanna getting the benefit of an open letter this morning (a survivor of domestic violence advising her to get the hell away); no, Gordon also finds space to run an open letter to Peaches Geldof. From Emma Ridley.
Yes. Emma Ridley:
JUST like you, in the Eighties I was labelled an out-of-control wild child. Stringfellows nightclub in London was my favourite haunt and I was always the life and soul of the party.
And you can see where that got her - now unable to go more than three or four words without spitting out a tabloidese cliche.
Ridley, you'll almost certainly have forgotten, got married in Las Vegas at the age of 15:
Our marriage lasted three years, a little longer than yours, but it still didn’t turn out to be my happy-ever-after fairytale ending. He was a nightclub owner and his infidelity eventually caused our split.
Is "nightclub owner" now some sort of euphemism? "He ran a club, so obviously he was sleeping around..."?
It wasn't Emma's fault, though:
I think my outrageous lifestyle stemmed from my upbringing. Like yours, it was a little unconventional. My mother was a very creative person and my father was always in the office.
Wow, there's one crazy family: a father going off to the office every day? I bet he carried a briefcase, too. What chance did she have?
On the surface I oozed confidence, I think my main problem was that I didn’t have very high self-esteem and so craved attention.
Luckily, Emma's past that need for attention now. That's why she's written this as an article for the biggest selling newspaper in the UK and not just sent it as a private note.
So, what's Emma's advice for Peaches?
I realised it was up to me to make myself happy.
I decided I was going to stop lurching from relationship to relationship.
I cut my hair short and, rather dramatically, started going to church. Religion had always been taboo when I was growing up so it is interesting that I am now a committed Christian.
Actually, Emma, it's not. Adults making decisions that take them in a different direction from that of their parents is a pretty common occurrence. And given that you've just told us that you didn't have a very happy childhood, that makes it more likely that you'd have found comfort and peace in a lifestyle that was the very opposite of that of your parents'.
Emma's final advice?
You have your whole life to be an adult, so enjoy your youth as long as you can.
So, having spent a whole page telling Peaches she needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself, and to look after her own happiness, she finished with the advice that she shouldn't grow up too quickly.
Well, it's still more coherent than anything in Disappear Here.