Gordon in the morning: The guy won't go far

Having endured the slow march to the Madonna/last husband divorce, we're now being invited to be witnesses to the "actually, we've been better friends than ever" stage. Gordon gives space to Virginia Wheeler to explain that Ritchie is buying a house near Madonna's:

MADONNA’S ex GUY RITCHIE has bought a home 200 YARDS from her London mansion.

Movie maker Guy paid millions for the four-storey house to be near his sons when Madge brings them to Britain.

Well... yes. To be near the kids. For the children. Is that really unusual?

The friend revealed the singer had even laughed when Guy made a crack about her new Brazilian toyboy JESUS LUZ, 22, speaking little English.

Guy said: “Blimey, no wonder the whole thing works so perfectly.”

Although an inability to string a sentence together in decent English didn't help you, did it, Guy?

Gordon, meanwhile, is running more pictures of the Girls Aloud tour - presumably, unless hemlines drop, he's going to do this every day until they're back home. But there is a news angle, as Sarah Harding (that's "Girls Aloud Stunner Sarah Harding" to you) has worries:

She added: “Our pyrotechnics are great. I’m worried, though.

“I wear a wig for a lot of the show and if one of those sparks go astray I could go up like a Christmas tree.”

Go up like a Christmas tree? Does Sarah Harding set fire to her tree every Christmas? Has she got the tree and the pudding fatally confused?

And Gordon has rumours of discontent amongst the Arctic Monkeys. The rest of them:

WHEN ALEX TURNER told his ARCTIC MONKEYS mates he was moving to London to live with girlfriend ALEXA CHUNG, there were serious rumblings of discontent.

Because when the frontman left Sheffield behind last October, the rest of the lads — JAMIE COOK, MATT HELDERS and NICK O’MALLEY — stayed in Yorkshire.

Things are going to get worse, he warns:

Now the distance between the boys is set to grow even larger — as Alex is following his TV presenter missus across the Pond as she tries to forge a US career.

Blimey. Still, when they come back in the middle of June, I'm sure everything will be forgotten, right?

Maybe I'm being unfair - it's not like every pretty autocue wrangler who turns up in the US gets repelled within weeks. After all, Julie Brown managed to make the massive leap from TV-AM to MTV, and since then... well... there was Anne Robinson. And Craig Ferguson. And... look, I'm sure Alexa has got plans and isn't just turning up on spec.

Gordon, certainly, thinks that Alex Turner moving to the States is just about as serious as it gets. Oh, yes:

Rock ’n’ roll folklore is full of cautionary tales of love affairs tearing bands apart.

The most famous case was when JOHN LENNON shacked up with YOKO ONO.

THE BEATLES didn’t last long after that and many people blamed their relationship for the split.

Hear that, Arctic Monkey fans? Gordon thinks you should start a pre-emptive misogynistic hate campaign...