Sunday People offers accessory-based psychological reporting

Michael Jackson, eh? He's a little crazy, right? But we never knew how crazy until the Sunday People brought us the scoop:

ONLY a Wacko like Jacko would wear shades AND an umbrella.

Troubled superstar MICHAEL JACKSON, 50, used the king-sized brolly to shield himself from the Beverly Hills sun this week.

Wow, yeah. The whole Kane-like fun-fair bejeweled ranch? That was possibly the signs of a soul in torment. Dangling the kid over the balcony? Divided the experts. Pyjama parties for strangers' children? Jesus juice? Face masks? Monkeys? Trying to look like Diana Ross and ending up looking like your sister? How can you make a judgement on such evidence?

Wearing sunglasses and carrying an umbrella, though? Let's fetch the straitjackets and fling open the soft cells - clearly, the man is a lunatic.