Gordon in the morning: Half-senseless and beaten

Pete Samson - now, of course, The Sun's US editor - does some serious investigation into Michael Jackson's upbringing by, erm, watching Larry King Live:

Joe Jackson, 79, said of the allegations by his late son: "Never." In his first TV interview since Jacko's death he insisted: "I have no reason.

"That's my son. I loved him and I still love him."

He went on: "A lot of people in America spank their kids, you know? They say they don't, they're lying. Michael was never beaten by me. I've never beaten at all."

Samson appears to take all this at face value, despite - for example - Tito's recent claims that Michael would use his superpower dancing skills to avoid the blows. And Jackson pere's odd assertion that you should never believe someone who says they don't spank their children, shortly before asserting that he never spanks his children.

Where do people get the idea that Joe Jackson hit Michael in the first place? Perhaps, erm, when Joe Jackson told Louis Theroux this, six years ago:

Joe Jackson is seen saying in a show to be seen on Sunday: "I whipped him with a switch and a belt. I never beat him. You beat someone with a stick.

You see? It's not beating if you don't use a stick.

The one-time Jackson 5 manager also denied planning to put Jacko's kids on tour as the Jackson 3.

He told interviewer Larry King: "Not true. That's a bunch of jive."

Presumably when he tries to shove the poor sods onto stage, he'll call them The New Jackson Three or something in order to create his own loophole.

Elsewhere, Gordon Smart has grabbed Noel Gallagher to find out what Noel thought of Ronaldo rating them more highly than The Beatles:

Mr Big told me: "There's only one Ronaldo! I always knew deep down inside him somewhere there was impeccable musical taste.

"I'll be taking up his offer of tickets for the Madrid versus Barcelona game. I'm not sure whether even he could afford us for a gig though!"

Yes, for some reason Gordon has started calling Noel Gallagher Mr Big - which was the name Carrie in Sex And The City called her lover, if memory serves.

Still, Noel's witty riposte to Gordon is fascinating... like... meeting of minds... photoshop gurus...