Alicia Keys gets recut

Hey, you. Yes, you. You think you know Alicia Keys? Think again, because she's, like, totally changed direction:

Alicia Keys Tells Fans To 'Expect The Unexpected' On New LP

Stores already report panic buying of sou'westers and absorbent shoes amongst Keys' core fans as they prepare to cope with this astonishing new direction.

Keys explains that she might very well be about to launch an album of Germanic Murder Punk:

"You can expect, like, to be moved," she said. "You can expect to really be into a zone. I think you can expect the unexpected cause there's going to be things that you're going to be like, 'Wow, is that her? Is that her?' And I love that about it. You can definitely expect to see major growth, but you're going to fall in love with this album."

Just because it sounds to you like she can't actually think of any way that the new album is going to be different from all the others doesn't mean that it's going to be like all the rest but with a few extra notes crammed into the long words. Oh no.