Gordon in the morning: Good chums

Gordon has been playing out again:

IT'S not often you go to bed in Paris and wake up in Amsterdam.

It's not often you read an opening line like that. Unless it's been written on lined paper and is accompanied by crayoned picture of the Eiffel Tower.

Last year I went to Salt Lake City with COLDPLAY and ended up on their private jet as they kidnapped me for the week. And on Monday I was in the same boat again.

Of course, you don't quite mean this, do you?

I say boat... it was KASABIAN's tour bus to be precise, as they took me on a tour of Europe.

Oh. I was thinking you meant "I say kidnapped, I mean gone on a pre-organised press jolly".

Confusingly, Smart seems to think that he's a groupie and not a senior member of staff on a major British newspaper:

I've never had a kip in a tour bus, but it was more comfortable than the hotel corridors I'm used to in this job.

The showbiz editor of the Sun really wants us to believe he sleeps in hotel corridors? He's going to be telling us next that he has to shag a roadie in order to get into the gigs.

Funny thing is, despite all this access Kasabian have given him, and twenty-four hours with the band, Gordon comes up totally empty-handed. There's no story here, except the 'hey, you guys, you'll never guess who I was hanging out last night" one, which feels like it belongs more in a scrapbook than a newspaper:

I woke up yesterday morning in "Amsterdamage" after a night of carnage I'll never, er, remember.

That's bloody useful for a journalist. Perhaps you should see if you can get your next set of, erm, "kidnappers" to let you stop off to buy a notebook.