It had to happen. After sixty years of rock and roll being the gateway drug to get kids into drugs, now it's stopped being an introducer and turned into drugs all by itself.
According to credulous sources, anyway:
Schools and drug experts are warning parents to beware of "digital drugs" that Mustang High School students blamed for their apparent intoxication.
Three students were sent to the principal's office when they appeared to be high on drugs or alcohol in March, said Mustang School District Superintendent Bonnie Lightfoot. She said the kids explained that they had tried something called "i-dosers."
Young people plug into i-dosers through putting on headphones and downloading music and tones that create a supposed drug-like euphoria.
It's terrible. Not only are people listening to drugs through their ears, but dealers are cutting the sound-drug with cheaper ingredients like Robbie Williams' last album - a mix which could lead to brains turning inside out and literally boiling from the neck down.
Just because music isn't actually that sort of drug doesn't mean we shouldn't be panicing:
"I think it's very dangerous," said Karina Forrest-Perkins, chief operating officer of Gateway to Prevention and Recovery in Shawnee. While there are no known neurological effects from digital drugs, they encourage kids to pursue mood altering substances, she said.
"This music isn't making my brain doodle unicorns. This sucks, I'm gonna go and get some crack instead. Where do I download that?" asked a student.
Some parents have called the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs Control worried about i-dosing, said OBN spokesman Mark Woodward. He said the i-dosing effect is likely sort of a placebo rather than a valid threat to children's brain waves.
"The bigger concern is if you have a kid wanting to explore this, you probably have a kid that may end up smoking marijuana or looking for bigger things," Woodward said.
"It's just like if you listen to the sound of the sea in a shell" explained Woodward, wishing he'd never given up smoking, "because then the next thing you know, you'll be jumping off a boat in the middle of the ocean."
[ Mustang School District Superintendent Bonnie] Lightfoot said like Mustang High School parents, she's shocked over the digital drugs.
"What worries me is the ease in which some people can sell things to kids by saying that it's supposed to be mood altering," she said. "It's a real moneymaker out there."
Yes - imagine that. A product that's advertised by claiming it will make you feel better. Thank god proper products like Coca-Cola or Kelloggs cereals would never do anything like that.