Back - I'm afraid - to Cheryl Cole's sick bed this morning, as Gordon reveals that when he told us yesterday she was suffering from exhaustion-oh-no-it's-gastroenteritis he actually meant to say malaria.
Which, just in case you don't know:
in extreme cases can KILL
Is that right, Sun doctor Carol Cooper?
MALARIA can kill
but Cheryl looks to be lucky. There are four forms of the bug, and in Tanzania, where she picked it up, the milder ones are most common.
I'm not sure I have any faith in a doctor who calls malaria "a bug".
What can you add to the story, Gordon?
Sources also revealed Cheryl - whose spokesman confirmed she has malaria - had secretly battled painful stomach cramps while filming the ITV talent show.
But I'd imagine that's normal for anyone working on the X Factor, the way miners used to have scabs down their spines.
In other news, George Michael has had another car crash. Jess Rogers has the details:
GEORGE MICHAEL has been arrested after his car crashed into a SHOP on the night of a gay festival, The Sun can reveal.
The troubled singer, 47, was held on suspicion of being unfit to drive after he lost control of his Range Rover and it smashed into a Snappy Snaps.
I'm not entirely sure why it happening on the night of Pride is in any way relevant, but Jess seems convinced it is:
The singer - who only last year ended a two-year ban for drug driving - was held at 3.35am on Sunday after London's Gay Pride parade.
It's almost as if Rogers is trying to suggest there's some causal link between celebrating homosexuality and not being able to drive a car, or perhaps just that simply being gay is liable to make you incapable of steering. I'm sure that wasn't the intention, though.