Gordon in the morning: Ride the tiger

We're expected to believe that a dangerous, man-eating tiger "gatecrashed" the Brand-Perry nuptials.

How serious could that have been, Gordon?

Officials at the Ranthambore National Park said the tiger was drawn by lights and music from the party and could have killed any of the 85 revellers, who included rapper P DIDDY and comedian DAVID BADDIEL.

Good God, can you imagine the horror? Of being stuck at a wedding party with that lot. You'd just be hoping a hungry tiger would turn up. You'd probably be splashing gravy about just in case.

The suspicion that, given this is a wildlife park, you'd expect there to be wildlife wandering about doesn't seem to have occurred to Gordon.

Guards beat the tiger off with a stick, which sounds about as much fun as Perry would have been having that evening.

Elsewhere, Westlife are thinking about getting into the contraceptive business. Thinking about Westlife is a contraceptive, surely?