Friday, April 20, 2012

Gordon in the morning: The ghost of you stays

Clearly the cupboard is empty at The Sun today. As it continues to grind out extracts from the book about Cowell that nobody cares about ("that everyone's talking about"), the rest of the paper seems to be scrabbling about to try and find anything to fill the yawning holes. Like this:

Ghostly vampire shock for George Michael
Not just a vampire shock, but a ghostly one. For George Michael.

Has David Austin turned up again?

Not quite...
POP legend George Michael’s street is haunted by a VAMPIRE, it was claimed yesterday.
Hang about... if a vampire becomes a ghost, it's not really a vampire any more, is it? It loses the ability to suck blood, so it's just a ghost, surely? That's if a vampire can become a ghost, as not having a soul what would 'create' the ghost?

And where exactly is the 'shock' for George Michael?
Ghostbuster Mickey Gocool, said “exceptionally high levels” of paranormal activity surrounded the ex-Wham! star’s £3million mansion.
So there's just a bloke claiming there's spooky stuff on the street. I don't think that's going to "shock" George Michael, is it? It's not the sort of shock you get when you come to and discover your car is parked alongside the mousemat and mug shelves of Snappy Snaps, is it?

But, come on, let's treat Mickey Gocool like he's an expert - you say there's a ghost vampire on the street, do you?
The house is near Highgate Cemetery, North London, where the vampire was first spotted.
So the 'vampire shock' for George Michael is that there's a claim that a cemetery a short distance away might have a ghost vampire in it.

I can't believe Gordon Smart is breaking such shattering news to him this way. Imagine the trauma that Michael will be going through this morning.

But there's more:
Another alleged ghost is a 17th century woman who murdered 50 kids.
You'll spot the canny use of the word "alleged" there - as we know, Gordon Smart promised Leveson that he diligently fact-checks every word that appears on his pages. The cagey "alleged" suggests that Smart couldn't quite get proof that this ghost actually exists.

Perhaps in the old days he might have made up a quote from a pal of the ghost - "A source said 'she will wake George Michael up before he goes woooooooooooooooooooh'" - but those days are past.

Almost like a proper journalist, Gordon carefully makes clear that there's no proof at all that the made-up bollocks actually exists.

Coming tomorrow: Tulisa plans trip to Austria. Quite near where Dracula comes from.


Frank said...

I'm just tickled by the fact that they STILL refer to George Michael as ex-Wham!

Mickey Gocool said...

Its an amazing world that seems to exist! Reports of Vampires outside George Michaels house that some Bloke just Happen to say!

Actually I am that Bloke.

Who exactly is making up the "Bollocks" Is unclear. What "Bollocks" Are you talking about?

Lets stick to the facts of The story that George Michael features in:

1. We are a serious Investigative group and Self funding.

2. We are involved in extensive research and Investigations in the Enfield Area & Highgate

3. A Team member discovered a direct connection between the Pubs in Enfield AND the Pubs in Highgate.

4. I live in Highgate, So along with another member, we decided to "Recce" Highgate and it's Haunted Pubs with the view to a future investigation in order to publish a report on the area.

5. The report will consist of "FACTUAL EVIDENCE" collated by our High tech and scientific Equipment. Evidence that, if there has been any doubt, then it is debunked!

6. The newspapers have all reported the story differently.


8. I make no claims about being an expert. I am a very experienced Paranormal Investigator. I Investigate reports and sightings of paranormal and report my findings.

9. Those findings are presented to our Clients or the Public for their conclusions!

10. Simon! I invite you to come on an Investigation purely because I want to see you "Shit your pants" when you hear "disembodied Voices", "Cold spots" and "Touching" by some "Made up Bollocks".

11. As for Vampires in the street? I'm sure THE SUN preferred that headline than a much reported "Ghost Chicken in Pond Square".

12. Oh and by the way.. If there are any Virgins that want to be Sacrificed ;) Do drop my a line.....

Mickey Gocool
Paranormal Investigator.

David said...

Dude you don't exactly help your case, you sound like a nutter.

Simon Hayes Budgen said...

@Mickey Gocool
I've had some negative comments in the past, but I think this is the first time I've ever had a person tell me they want to watch me defecate - so, after ten years, you've come up with a first. Well done.

On point 7, no, not really - as part of a round-up of pop music, I check their showbusiness website in the morning as it has a strong influence on what happens in music. A declining one, perhaps, but we all have our habits, don't we? I suspect this means that I read a bit of The Sun, but would question if that makes me a Sun reader. Personally, I cannot wait until the paper closes.

A lot of your facts are a bit meaningless; if you were state-funded and hunting for vampire ghosts I don't think that would have any influence on whether vampire ghosts exist or don't. Unless there's something about vampire ghosts which mean they only manifest when they get a whiff of private enterprise?

Hang about... vampire ghosts. George Michael. An abhorrence of state funding? Is this about the time Norman Tebbit met Wham at the Brits?

Ghost chickens? Really? Are they clucking up and down the High Street desperate to find the Colonel to atone for sins past?

My apologies if you feel I'm being a little harsh in describing a story about the unquiet spirit of a dead vampire as made-up bollocks - I do appreciate that, strictly scientifically speaking, I shouldn't rule-out their existence. But it's a ghost - which probably don't exist - of a vampire - which don't exist.

Mickey, I salute your enthusiasm and your dedication to your cause, but I'm sure you've found more belligerent sceptics than me to try and convince.

I'm sure when your evidence is published, I will be left looking even more stupid than usual. Until then - good luck, and don't have nightmares.

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