The 2012 inch remix: August

Marilyn Manson drew swears on his face to "stop" the paparazzi photographing him. Madonna fell out with Elton John for some reason and a shocked world discovered U2 are an influence on Muse.

Even Lil Wayne is bored of Lil Wayne. Shaggy doesn't appear in the charts these days because the charts don't deserve him, apparently.

Simon Fox left HMV while there was still an HMV to leave.

Gibson got a piddly little fine for their part in destroying Madagascar and Newt Gingrich decided not to fight Survivor after misappropriating Eye Of The Tiger.

The person responsible for commissioning The Voice couldn't remember the winner's name. But who can? Voice judge Will I Am became the first act to have his music debuted on Mars; as a result bookmakers shortened the odds on an angry invasion of Martians.

The Jazz Butcher are making a new record. Also returning was Jaz Coleman, who didn't even realise he was missing. Slowdive could return, theoretically.

Morrissey didn't care for the Olympics. Pink made a small joke about Chris Brown, and got death threats as a result.

In Liverpool, after the Mathew Street festival was cancelled, it sounds like it might never return.

[Part of the 2012 inch remix]