Eurovision 2013: You'll have been wondering what The Spectator thought

It must be so hard for the Spectator: do you attack Eurovision because it's Europe, or do you attack Eurovision because it's the BBC?

They've gone with a go at the BBC, presumably because the swivel-eyed loons are doing a good enough job of destroying the EU elsewhere at the moment. Fraser Nelson - yes, the editor, no less - contributes his thoughts as to why the UK doesn't win:

Rather than defend the BBC, Mr Bishop confirmed our suspicions. The corporation is useless at entertainment, he said, and no longer has anyone in its hierarchy who understands it. This is a self-reinforcing problem, warned Mr Stockselius, because the BBC decides how Eurovision is presented in Britain. If it sends dreadful acts to compete, and then holds the entire contest up to ridicule, then our successful singers will not be seen dead on a Eurovision stage. Katrina [out the Waves] wanted to know the name of whoever chooses the BBC’s Eurovision entries, ‘so we can slap him’.

It's a plausible point, except it relies on Nelson's view of the BBC rather than fact, history and evidence, to stack it up.

How can we hope to win if people don't take the contest seriously?

Sorry, did you see Lordi? Who won it? Or any number of other more-successful-than-us entries which seize the opportunity for a jolly romp? Or Ireland, constantly sending Jedward, presumably in the hope that they won't come back.

It's a song contest, and people watch it because it's a big old stage of stupid. Fraser Nelson thinks that it'd benefit from a hushed Dimbleby voiceover in place of Graham Norton.

How can we hope to win if our song is chosen by a faceless BBC bureaucrat?

Good point. Let's go back to having a popular vote. Hang on, though, that method ended up with us sending Scooch to Helsinki. We came last-but-one.

In the end, Nelson suggests that maybe ITV or Sky gets the contest instead. (Not Channel 4, you'll note, because this is really yet another Spectator attack on public services disguised as 'giving a shit about a song contest'.)

Preusmably Nelson hasn't seen how terrible the Brits have become since they moved to ITV. Or maybe he really doesn't care.

[Tonight: Eurovision live bloggage. I'm not sure if Huw Edwards will also be doing a more reverential one for the Spectator, but I hope so.]