Taylor Swift will follow in footsteps of Man In The Moon - reports

Extraordinary news from the BBC, as it's just been announced that Taylor Swift is going to be taken to Norfolk by one of the Corporation's beloved programmes.

At this stage, it's unclear if she's asking Alastair Appleton to show her three houses in the county where she could run a small b&b business on Escape To The Country, or if she's just headlining Radio One's Big Weekend for 2015 in Norwich. More as it becomes clearer.

Twittergem: The_4th_Floor

Radio One's 4th Floor tweets the announcement that this year's One Big Weekend will be in Swindon:

And we can confirm that N-Dubz will be there - although we'll be announcing another HUGE act soon! #bigweekend

Which seems to mean: N-Dubz are going to be there. But don't worry, there's going to be an announcement about someone better.

Gordon in the morning: Madonna gets all sweary

Bizarre this morning is leading with Madonna's One Big Weekend performance. You might think Gordon is in charge when you read the opening paragraph:

BUSTY MADONNA causes a sensation as she almost pops out of her top

but, no: this excitement at almost seeing a nipple is the work of Sara Nathan, the paper's TV editor. But here main order of business is Madonna swearing. Twice:

The singer used the f-word twice during the Radio 1 Big Weekend gig live on BBC3, BBC HD and Radio 1.

On BBC 3 and BBC HD and Radio 1. As if it was being simulcast?

Holding an S&M-style cane, she introduced her song Hung Up to fans at the concert in Maidstone, Kent, saying: “You guys are going to have to start fucking it up out there ’cos I need to feel some love. I’m going to do an old song. But not too old. Fuck the present. Let’s live in the past.”

Now, most people would think the confused 'not too old - let's live in the past' time paradox was the closest thing to something interesting here, but for the Bizarre column, it's outrage at the f-word:

The BBC was rapped when Madonna, 49, swore at the Live Earth gig last year.

Now, if you or I were the "TV editor" of a national newspaper, we might - at the very least - have added the words "and many others" to that sentence, what with how it was the repeated swearing which earned the BBC censure, not because of Madonna alone. And you might feel obliged to point out the difference between a high-profile, teatime appearance by Chris Rock throwing round "motherfuckers" on BBC One, and a post-watershed, properly-warned appearance on BBC Three. But maybe not.

It's hard to take seriously a column on a "family newspaper's" website which now regularly runs photos of women with their tits out masquerading as entertainment journalism being a crusader for a less crude nation. Especially in an article also rubbing itself because Madonna had bouncy breasts.

Gordon, while this is going on, continues to develop his stalkery obsession with Jennifer Aniston. We don't know if he runs every single snap of Aniston that comes across his desk:

ASK any bloke to say which bikini-clad bird he’d most like to join him for a swim and the odds are JENNIFER ANISTON’s name is going to crop up in the top three.

... but it's starting to look like it. Wonder why Gordon is so enamored of a woman whose main success was playing a character who had an unlikely relationship with a slightly awkward, odd-looking bloke who had a teenager's dream job.

Oh, and, yes: He really does run a little cropped-out photo of just Aniston's breasts. So you can see the shape of her nipples. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel their skin crawl?

Elsewhere, Gordon straight-facedly (very, very straight-faced) uses the word "lez":

Hayden 'lez lust' for Angelina

It turns out that Smart thinks this is an acceptable word to describe lesbianism. But does Hayden Panettiere really have lesbian passion for Angelina Jolie, Gordon?

TELLY Heroes beauty HAYDEN PANETTIERE has claimed she would happily bed Angelina Jolie.

Has she really said that, Gordon?

The 18-year-old — who plays indestructible Claire Bennet in the BBC2 sci-fi hit — has been dogged by rumours she is a lesbian.

She said: “That’s fine with me. If I’m going to be linked with someone, I could do an affair with ANGELINA JOLIE, JESSICA ALBA or CHARLIZE THERON.

“And KATE BECKINSALE is gorgeous. There are so many beautiful girls.”

We've given up on expecting Smart to be able to write properly, but surely a basic grasp of English comprehension should still be required before being put in charge of a newspaper column? Clearly, Hayden is saying that if there are going to be lesbian rumours, at least make them with someone top-drawer, not that she has "lez lust" for anyone. Since Smart would never deliberately mislead his readers, we have to assume he's just unable to understand a joke, don't we?

Feeling frit

Dan Gillespie Sells is worried. He's scared to death that, what with The Feeling and Madonna both playing the Radio One Roadshow this weekend, he might run into her:

"I'm a massive fan of Madonna. I've been a fan of hers for years. She's a real artist."

He said: "She scares me. There are some people I'd go talk to and I'd know what to say. But with someone like her I wouldn’t really know what to say."

Don't worry, Dan - it's most likely that careful planning has been put into making sure that Madonna won't accidentally bump into the likes of you backstage. Indeed, her people would be more frightened if you found herself talking to her than you'd be - surely letting that happen would be a sacking offence?

The minister, the free gig and the auction site

While Blair flies about the country securing his legacy ("yes, yes, but if I wear gloves to cover the stains on my hands... how about then?") and Gordon Brown tries to build one of his own, the business of government trickles on without them. Shaun Woodward, who combines the creative industries ministership with being Barry off of Eastenders, has demanded that eBay stop selling Big Weekend tickets because they were free in the first place:

Mr Woodward said:"This flies in the face of all the hard work that Radio One is putting in to stamping out touts at the Big Weekend.

"Ebay should stop selling the tickets - the artists are not making money from this free event, so why should the touts?

"Demand for this event is outstripping supply by more than ten to one, and the BBC has decided that people should get tickets on the basis of how lucky they are, not how much money they have."

"The artists are not making money from this free event" - are you sure about that, Shaun?

Of course, it is a bit low to get a free ticket, and then flog it on eBay, but suggesting that eBay should engineer a rule which covers licence-fee funded events seems to be a little piecemeal. And it's interesting that, once again, the government is focusing on individuals flogging singles and doubles on eBay rather than the companies which ratchet up ticket prices by buying blocks and blocks of them. And also no word on the unacceptable "booking fee" practice, neither. We wouldn't want to suggest Woodward is rattling at a strawman to make it look like something is being done. But he is.