One night as Morrissey's lackey

There's a wonderful - albeit slightly disturbing - piece in today's Times by Andrew Winters, who got a job as a "valet" on the Morrissey US tour. Which lasted a day.

Winters - who is a Mozzer fan - reports on a strange world:

The production carries “sound-check suits”. I am informed that the band are considered “ambassadors” of the Morrissey tour and are therefore expected to be dressed in these suits for all soundchecks, all collective flights, all dinners and functions that may possibly include Morrissey – and it’s my responsibility to make sure that they are wearing them.

A very, very strange world:

During the soundcheck I am to “fragrance spray” between the front row and front of house and am informed that Morrissey’s PA will provide me with the fragrance of the day “if required”.

A strange world that just gets stranger:

Morrissey instructs his PA to order him a large vodka concoction. Then something bizarre happens. A drinking game ensues, where one of the musicians is encouraged to knock back his pint to a chorus of “Down in one, down in one, down in one,” a chant to which Morrissey himself adds flamenco claps, skipping in front of his employee. He immediately beckons for another pint for the same musician and the process is repeated.

Sadly, the chance of finding out just how strange Morrissey's world really is gets stolen from us, as Winters is sacked, by email, without any explanation - although since he's warned anything from being dull to liking Henry Rollins can be considered just cause, it's possible he just did everything wrong.