Nicki Minaj's old school tie forever loosened

You know how schools love a former pupil who's made it. Any chance they have to wheel them in - no matter how slim their claim to fame - and once again that 1996 Olympic fourth-placed canoeist will be on the stage handing out prizes.

Which makes it all the more surprising that when Nicki Minaj offered to do an event at her old High School, the school school said no thanks.

Oh, and this isn't because the school might be thinking that a career in pop music is a bit beneath what they want for their pupils. Minaj went to Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School. The school that they based Fame on.

Michael Jackson: Gary school district tries its hand at satire

It's understandable that a town might want to honour its most famous son in some way. It might be more problematic if your town is Gary, Indiana and that son is Michael Jackson.

Still, he was a big star - if a bit controversial - and I'm sure there's an appropriate way of honouring his legacy while not reflecting too deeply on the 'weird around kids' bit. What did you have in mind, Gary?:

Michael Jackson is being honored in his hometown of Gary, Indiana, as the school board plans to rename a school after the iconic pop star.

Not since Vulgaria decided to rename the local elementary after the Child Catcher has there been such an odd decision.

Gary’s school board announced on Tuesday that it will rename a school after the king of pop to “inspire children to excel in the arts and education.”

"because that's what Jackson's known for, right?" they continued. "The singing and the dancing? That was his thing. That was his thing."

They could try and get hold of that statue that used to be outside Craven Cottage. That'd give the full 360 creep-out experience.

School not L its FAO

A six year old kid sang a snatch of a popular song to a classmate. Which could just be a cute moment, right?

Except, unfortunately, the song was Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO. Even more unfortunately, the six year old was a pupil at Sable Elementary School in Aurora, apparently home of the Colorado Fighting Over-reactors.

The child has now been suspended, accused of sexual harassment and disrupting other students. Sexual harassment. Really.

Tennessee t-shirt tussle

The splendidly named Cole Goforth tried to go to school wearing his Lady GaGa t-shirt. The school - Greenbrier High School - decided that I Love Lady Gay Gay was an offensive slogan, and sent him home.

It's now become a cause celebre - or, at least, picked up by Perez Hilton, and has turned into some sort of storm:

“I think they are singling him out… They’ve made statements that if he wore this in California, he’d fit in just fine,” Cole’s mom, Julie Gordon added.

Yes, California is known for its tolerant embrace of gays. Providing they don't want to get married, of course. You do have to love the idea of a student being told he can't wear his t-shirt because it isn't California.

Nobody seems to have pointed out the t-shirt is a bit rubbish and the slogan is poorly thought-out. Maybe that's why he was sent home.

Hannah says come to Estonia

Estonia. The very name conjurs magic, doesn't it? Estonia and its brave Estonian citizenry, and...

Okay. I'll be honest. I don't know much about modern Estonia. If only there was some way of discovering more about the Baltic state that was combined with some unthreatening Europop.

Hang about... what's this press release?

With Estonia slowly emerging as one of the UK’s most popular away breaks for families, Estonian pop star Hannah is launching a unique initiative to broaden awareness of the beautiful Baltic state amongst children and families in the UK. The aim is to use pop music to educate the British public via a tour of UK schools about all aspects of Estonia including tourism, technology and produce. This unique initiative is supported by the Estonian Embassy and Enterprise Estonia in London.

Who wouldn't want a pop star popping in to your class room to offer a few words on Estonian produce?

Actually, I'd hope this could be turned into a cultural exchange - can we send Frankie from the Saturdays to Eastern Europe with a selection of East Anglian produce and a powerpoint pulled together by BAe?

I'm struggling a little to work out how a tourist venue would "slowly emerge as one of the most popular away breaks" - is there, perhaps, a mysterious gap in the top ten list which scientists are starting to suspect might be filled by Estonia?

Tallinn, Estonia’s capital was recently named European City of Culture 2011. To further enhance the country’s image as a holiday destination and hub of technological innovation, Estonia’s big musical star, Hannah, will be embarking on a series of educational initiatives combining the promotion of her single with talks about everything Estonia has to offer.

There might be a suspicion that things are so tight in Estonia, Hannah can only afford to tour elsewhere if the government underwrites the costs, and in return she has to do these lectures. It could be worse, though - they could have decided to send over a civil servant more able to talk fluently about Estonian agriculture, getting them put on a bikini and run through a couple of sub-Sabrina numbers instead.

Estonia has an enviable reputation as one of Europe’s most beautiful countries with fairytale nature, historic cobbled cities and some of the EU’s most dynamic and innovative economies. The country is now emerging as one of the UK’s most popular away breaks for families and as the face and voice of Estonia, Hannah will be meeting British school children and sharing her passion for her home country.

Is it okay for someone to pop into school to do a bit of advertising? Sure, she's selling Estonia - but if she can go in to do that, isn't a principle established? Would Mel B then be able to visit the local comprehensive and push cosmetics, crotchless panties and rampant rabbits?

"To represent such a small but amazingly beautiful country is an honour for me,” says Hannah. “I carry the country with me wherever I am and Estonia is a mystical place."

Mystical? Are you sure? Mysterious, perhaps, but mystical is quite a claim. Tell me more of its transcendence...

...It’s a great country for finding some quiet time...

= not a great deal going on

...and you can walk through our historical medieval capital...

The implication being that there's not very much public transport

...and pop into our small shops.

She's making it sound a little bit like Devizes.

You can also discover the most amazing restaurants and spend hours enjoying the fabulous food

In other words, the service is slow and it takes quite a time to chew through the national dishes.

...or you can just leave the capital behind...

Are you saying that once you're outside the capital, there will be no more chances to go into small shops or restaurants?

...and find out into the countryside which also has so much to offer. Undiscovered forests, filled with berries and mushrooms...

How do you know they're filled with stuff if they're undiscovered?

...miles and miles of scenic beaches and beautiful small islands with some of the world’s best health-spas mean there's always plenty to do in Estonia and Estonian’s [sic] have a wonderfully natural and organic way of living.

Unlike, say, Norway or Cheltenham, where the lifeforms are inorganic.

Estonia is simply beautiful!”

You know what? It really is. We never got Estonians pimping their country when I was at school - just dour theatrics against nuclear power. But I'm not sure she's going to find today's kids really likely to go home and pester their parents to visit the country where you can see mushrooms growing wild.

Come to the party - if you buy our single

One Night Only are heading off to do a gig at their old school, Ryedale in Nawton, Yorkshire. The headteacher has sent a letter to parents explaining just how exciting this will be:

Dear Parents/Carers
One Night Only - Friday 8th February

We have a unique opportunity to enable Ryedale School students to see a top band in the making without having to pay extortionate prices or travel long distances to inhospitable environments. I can negotiate this, but will need the help of parents and carers.

“One Night Only” is a band of former Ryedale School students who have a record contract and, according to those in the know, are destined for the big time. Their debut single was around the Top 40 for several weeks. The expectation is that their new single will be even more successful, and I should like our current students to gain something from this wonderful rise to fame.

Brilliant. What a lovely gesture - old boys coming back to do something for their old school. Even a cynical old soul like ourselves sheds a warm, salty tear at... hang on a moment, though - what's this?

Ryedale School is still held in high esteem by the band, and their manager is grateful for the opportunity we
gave them to shoot some television footage here for the boys’ appearance on a Music programme. They are keen to visit us, but are constrained by record company demands to promote their new single.

Isn't going to your old school and playing some songs "promoting the single", though? It'll be on Look North and everything.

Ah, but it turns out the record company - Vertigo, which is Universal - has something a little more direct in mind:

The solution is simple: the band performs a concert at Ryedale School, and rather than charging the students an entrance fee, we ask them to buy the new single instead. Everyone wins!

Well, we can see how Vivendi-Universal does. We can even imagine that One Night Only might, eventually see some money out of it. But how does forcing a child to buy a record in order to take part in a school event constitute a win for either the child or the school?

Let's not be confused here, either: this is talking about using a school event to try and boost a band's chart position:

I have explored all sorts of options about buying the single to sell to the students (or even vouchers to order them). Whatever I think of to make the purchases manageable is thwarted by the regulations which state that a maximum of ten sales will be counted towards the charts from any one purchaser. In fairness to the band we have to find a better arrangement. This is where we need the help of the parents and carers.

This is the head teacher of a school, bending over backwards to hype a record up the charts by refusing to allow their pupils to attend a school event unless they buy a record.

If the single is pre-ordered on line before it is released on 28th January the impact is greatest. I realise that not everyone will be happy with this arrangement, but for those who are we have found out the following.

A really good value for money pack, worth ten pounds but available for just £3 (only one purchase per household) can be pre-ordered from by following this link which has also been added to the School website. [URL snipped]*

This brings you directly to the page with the One Night Only multipack containing the following products:
Just For Tonight - CD Single - normal price £4.99
Just For Tonight (Gatefold Sleeve) - 7 inch single - normal price £2.99
Just For Tonight (Picture Disc) - 7 inch single - normal price £1.99

The "worth ten pounds" is, of course, entirely arguable.

This represents tremendous value for money for the students, giving them a rare opportunity to see a top band perform live and leaves them with a memento of the day. It will also give the band a flying start.

A flying start indeed.

But the head knows some people might not be happy with this way of doing things. After all, not everyone likes to buy records on the internet:

This represents tremendous value for money for the students, giving them a rare opportunity to see a top band perform live and leaves them with a memento of the day. It will also give the band a flying start.

Because I know some of you will be unhappy about ordering on line, buying the single following its release on 28th January from stores such as HMV is an acceptable alternative.

Good lord - don't you wish that your band had a street team like this?

For the students to gain admission to the concert, they will need to have handed in the slip signed by a parent/carer indicating that the single has been pre-ordered, or has been bought or will be bought in the near future. It is a less straightforward arrangement that I aimed for, but it offers the benefits I wanted.

The slip below should be returned to the school office by Monday 4th February. One purchase per household is sufficient to admit all the children from that household, but they will each need to return a signed slip.
The Hall cannot accommodate all the students so the ones who return the slips on time will be given priority.
There will be no further cost for admission.

Aha - once you've forked out for the record, you won't be shaken down again.

Hang about, though, where's the angle for the school? Won't the school get its beak wet, too?

In order that the students feel comfortable at the concert, we can have our usual half-term’s non-uniform
day on the day of the concert for the usual £1 fee.

There are three problems with this - first, a school should not be pimping on behalf of a multinantional company, with the head seeking the ways to best maximise a chart position.

Secondly, since students will want to go to the gig even if they're not that keen on the band (to be with their mates, to not be left out, to not look odd), this looks like exploiting that to sell records.

Thirdly, and most importantly, it's a clear breach of chart rules:

No record company, distributor, retailer, Artist or other party should act or encourage others to act in any way designed to distort, or which has the effect of distorting the Chart by achieving a higher or lower Chart position for a record than it would otherwise achieve.

Actions which will be considered a breach of these rules include:
[...]
procuring the sale of a record in conjunction with a non-related or excessive gift, ie which gives the consumer a product, voucher or benefit or anything else which is either unrelated to the record concerned or of a value in excess of the value of the record without that gift (value means normal retail price

It looks like the head's efforts might have been in vain.

[Thanks to Jim W for the tip]