LET THOSE AT LEEDS HAVE LEEDS, AND READING HAVE READING: For the rest of us, there's some rather lovely Carl Barat performances over at Rolling Stone. They're free, if you need any further encouragement.

A SONG OVER TWO LEGS: Together at last: Shania Twain and Mark 'Sugar Ray' McGrath, who've recorded a duet for her soon-come Greatest Hits album. Yes, that would be a new single for the collection of singles, right there.

CHANGE OF HEART: Naturally, we'd find it really tempting if we were walking down a street and saw a queue of people lining up to take a pop at Danny McNamara from Embrace, but we have to be honest and say we're looking at him with renewed respect after he's revealed he's got a bad heart. Not in a demonic way, but in a need-daily-medication way:

"I was about 20 when I found out," he said. "I thought I was having some kind of panic attack but my heart was going mental. In the kind of job that I'm in, with lots of nerves and stress, it's not that easy really. The pills that I take work fine at the moment but I might need to think about having an operation later on in life."
Danny said he wasn't particularly bothered about the condition until he found out that his friend's mother, who is in her 50s, was taking beta- blockers that were 12 times weaker than the tablets he had been prescribed. He decided there and then to see a hypnotist.
"It was out of desperation really - I didn't have anywhere else to turn," he said. "He took me back to a time in my childhood when I was three and I used to be scared of the dark. And he got me, a 30-year-old man, to sit the child version of myself on my knee and make shadow puppets to show the child that the light and dark could be controlled, like my heart condition. It really helped me and that's what Wish 'Em All Away is about."

VENUEWATCH: Sad news from Chicago, whose all-ages punk venue the Fireside Bowl is about to close and re-open as a bowling alley. The Fireside's owner has decided that ten years of rough and tumble is enough and is returning the venue to its earlier use. It seems that bowling alleys are closing down all over Chicago (not, we suspect, because they're turning into punk venues) and so he's hoping to exploit the growing gap in the market. The loss of the Fireside will come as a hit to the Chicago scene, especially as all-ages venues are rare enough in the US. The Fireside was offering slots to three or four bands nearly every night, the sort of reliable venue which any scene really needs to underwrite its next generation.

PEARL SPAM RETURNS: The one-woman NME gossip column Pearl Spam (oh, alright, Lowe) is about to make her comeback to music. Pearl, what-used-to-be-in-Powder, has got a new band - imaginatively, she's called it Pearl - and it might be all as bright and sparky as Powder were. On the other hand, there's so many famous names knocking about in the mix (Jackson Scott, Brett Anderson, Rhys Ifans, Heather Nova) there's a sick feeling in the pit of our stomachs that it might turn out to be a little like the musical equivalent of Sadie Frost's What Sadie Did Next tv series: a painfull and self-indulgent way of demonstrating that watching people having fun doesn't always mean that you will. In fact, Sadie Frost even turns up on the album. (Incidently, we love the way that some of the gossip websites have taken to describing Sadie as a "fashion designer" on the basis of her going "okay" to some pant designs.)

Pearl makes an interesting point, though, about the change that the pairing of festivals has made to the atmosphere. Harking back to the Britpop years (ask your parents), she says:

"The festivals were different then ‘cos the bands didn’t move (to an alternative site) so it would just be one mass party the whole weekend from Thursday until Tuesday."

THE LATE REVIEW: LL Cool J has found an unusual way of letting it be known that he's available for judging the 2005 Booker Prize - by defending Madonna's childrens books:

I don't know why people didn't like Madonna's books, maybe they don't think it's a valid art form, maybe they don't like kids. Why not be rich and famous and take time to inspire kids? That would embarrass whoever said you cannot do it! I don't understand it at all!"

Let's try and help you out there, Mr. J: what people are criticising is not the concept of writing children's books - indeed, the success of Rowling, Pulman and Haddon shows that it is seen as a perfectly valid artform. And, no, it's not that they don't like children. Indeed, quite the opposite: they like kids so much, they're ashamed that any poor child should be forced to read Madonna's over-simplistic, poorly thought out, emotionally stunting tales. It's not that people think that Madonna shouldn't be writing children's books; the problem is Madonna's apparent belief that she's able to.

WHAT A CHARMING PIECE OF WORK: How does Usher cheer himself up when he's depressed? He gets out a picture a fan sent him and laughs at her. She's - oh, hold your sides, this'll kill you - naked and... NOT THIN! A-huh-huh-huh-haaa. And now the little charmer has decided to spread the hyuks around by making someone who thought she was doing something intimate and nice for him a very public stock. Nice to see how you treat your fans, you cunt.

SO LONG AS THERE'S A GOOD REASON, THEN: Over on one of the Libertines lists recently, there's been a massive rush to defend Pete for not playing those London gigs, based on the conviction that Pete would never let down his fans without a good reason. Oh yeah? Carl Barat has pointed out that Doherty didn't turn up to gigs last summer in a big girly huff. Barat had - not unsurprisingly - refused to cut his birthday party short to go off to some gig Doherty had arranged in "an East End crack house"; in revenge, Doherty axed a string of proper dates booked in for the following months.

WE NEVER THOUGHT WE'D AGREE WITH BRIAN MCFADDEN: The former Westlifer says that he quit the boyband because he was getting depressed by their relentles dirgey shitey cabaret rubbish. Of course, Brian was lucky - he'd been having to put up with it all these years, but at least was banking large cheques; the rest of us didn't get compensated for having to endure. Brian's keen to make up the yawning cultural deficit he's created, though:

"I don't want to be like anybody. I want to be me. I want to do commercial rock."

Oh, good. Having spent the last - what is it, decade, thirty years? it feels longer - churning out MOR pap, he's now going to churn out MOR pap with the drums turned up.

Apparently, the poor little lamb even has trouble when he tries to do stock rebellion:

"I was missing home. I was missing Kerry and everything was getting to me. So I just drank the mini-bar and them tried to throw the telly out of the window and it landed on my head."

REGGAE PARKED: The cancellation of Reggae in the Park is a mysterious and strange affair. The official announcement seems to suggest its something to do with the protests against homophobic reggae artists (one of whom, Vybz Kartel, was due at the event):

Due to the recent negative publicity surrounding reggae music in the UK press, no suitable alternative venue could be found that was willing to take on the perceived security risk represented by "Reggae In The Park". Therefore it is with sadness that the organisers have had to announce the cancellation of this event.

Obviously, they're referring to the work of Outrage and others in refusing to allow artists who call for the murder of gay men and women to be allowed an easy ride - although, really, we're not sure a small knot of men with placards is so much of a threat. We're wondering if attempting to blame it on "neagtive publicity surrounding reggae" is merely an excuse being cooked up by organisers to cover their failure to find a new place for the event: the original plan for Victoria Park had to be abandoned for technical reasons:

For technical reasons, "Reggae In The Park", which was due to be held at London's
Victoria Park on Sunday September 5, 2004 has now been moved to ***********. The event, brought to us by Choice FM (a Capital Radio Group PLC Company) in association with Apollo Entertainment kicks off at 12 noon and will finish at 10pm.

And with only a week to go, it would seem a little late to be finding somewhere else. It would be outrageous if the really-quite-understandable condemnation of a handful of reggae artists is being used as a cover for a failure of organisation.

REPORTS FROM THE MUDDY FRONT LINE: We would pay large sums of cash to avoid ever being in a place where Har Mar runs on stage and waves his ass around; during a set by Ash we'd welcome it rather like the way those competitors welcomed the guy in a tutu who fucked up the synchronised diving competition; likewise, the appearance of Goldie Lookin' Chain in the middle of a Super Furry Animals set - the sort of ill-judged attmept at humour exhibited by Uncles heckling at weddings. Elsewhere Graham Coxon suffers from clothing superstition and Green Day covered Queen. They chose We are the Champions, which sums up the general obviousness of Green Day: Fat Bottomed Girls, we might have been impressed by. The Darkness used some fireworks to round off their set. Talking backstage, Justin Hawkins said that one of the problems they have is that everyone assumes they're American because of the music. We'd have thought that wouldn't be too much of a problem, except in selling into the Iraq market.

The real story at Reading, though, is the weather: Drews Ironmongers in the town sold 1,000 pairs of wellingtons in 24 hours; parking had to be moved to the town centre; the Mean Fiddler team insist its business as usual, but we're not sure how routing the traffic into the heart of Reading and swallowing up parking spaces there will go down when next year's licence is being considered...

NOT REALLY GROWING ON ME: Interesting that not only have The Darkness gladly accepted The Sun as sponsor of their forthcoming dates, but they're allowing Sun readers a five day period of exclusivity for buying tickets. Wonder what effect that has on the make-up of the audience...?

WELL, AT LEAST THEY DID HAVE THE BALLS TO INCLUDE U16 GIRLS: It might be seen as a little early in their career for anyone to be offering a Travis singles collection but that's not going to stop them. They are putting all the singles on it, though - including the one about getting off with underage girls. I know what you're thinking - shouldn't there be an unreleased track on there, so they can have a single off the album even although it's all meant to be singles already? And, lo, there is: Walking in the Sun.

We do fully respect them for including Tied to the 90s, as well, which was such a poorly written piece we're surprised they don't try and pretend that it must have been a Mansun track:

We're tied to the 90's
In the middle
I'm terribly frightened
I'm taking it fast
Taking it slow
There's thunder and lightning
It's terribly frightening
Lord knows
Where it goes
But I know
That if so
Well I want to tell you
We're tired of the 90's
We're tired of the 90's
But we're tied to the 90's
Tied to the 90's

Remember the 80's
(They were something)
Were worse than the 90's
We're stuck in a path
Where fashion is fast
And nothing is lasting
It's all ghetto blasting
And Lord knows
Where it goes
But I know
That if so well I want to tell you
We're tired of the 90's
We're tired of the 90's
But we're tied to the 90's
Tied to the 90's

Ah oh no it's nothing to go
On the hi-fi five alive
That's it
I'm staying in bed
Till my hair falls out
Everything's over
That said
I like my wig and I hate myself
I know it's all in my head

We're tired of the 90's
We're tired of the 90's
We're tired of the 90's
But we're tied to the 90's
Oh, we're tied to the 90's
We're tied to the 90's
We're tied to the nines
Tied to the nines
Tied to the 90's

... talking, as we were earlier, of shit lyrics. We're not sure when we'd have abandoned this song if we'd written it - we hope at the stage of "how about writing a song about how we're stuck in the 1990s; railing against the calendar is always a good idea", but certainly before the band meeting where we were reading out the lyrics about "nothing is lasting/it's all ghetto blasting."

BRITNEY'S GUM AND BUSH: Ebay nearly forced a seller to drop his auction for a piece of gum chewed up and spat out by Britney Spears, as they thought at first it was an attempt to flog her husband of a few hours; or, rather, the seller was advertising it as a chance to get hold of Britney's DNA. Now that the ad doesn't explicitly state that you could use the gum to clone Britney Spears, they're happy. "We were just worried what happened the last time someone attempted to make a clone of Britney," explained an Ebay spokesperson, pointing at a picture of Jessica Simpson.



Meanwhile, The Republicans have been attempting to get Britney to go and join them down at their convention in New York, to give some light relief from telling protestors they can't go to Central Park because they might "damage the grass." While we hope she wouldn't go and help take part in the campaign to re-elect the president - apart from anything, strict Republican Party values would really screw with our fantasy of making her Minister of Pop in our post-revolution cabinet, and we'd already started making the costume, too - the Republicans themselves are a little pissed off that she's been even invited:

“Through her immature antics, Spears has probably done more to undermine sexual morality than all the misguided legislation introduced in the United States over the last decade,” the Illinois Family Institute wrote in an e-mail to members. “It would be the height of hypocrisy for a party that claims to represent wholesome values to celebrate her.” Citing Spears’ “lesbian” kiss with Madonna, her “general immodesty,” and her annulled marriage to a childhood friend, the group is urging Republicans to call the GOP’s convention hotline to protest any appearance by Spears.

Of course, on this basis, Cheney's support for same-sex marriages and Bush's divorce would mean that the Prez and the VP should both have their invitations to the convention withdrawn, too. We're not sure if it's fair of the IFI to say that Brit has done more to undermine the sexual morality than government legislation - unless we missed the 1986 'Dress teenagers in hotpants' bill or the introduction to the Senate of new rules insisting on all Americans having to sample incest once a year, we'd be tempted to suggest the many years of strict, joyless laws churned out from Capitol Hill have left even Sister Wendy Beckett open to the charge of having done more to promote general immorality and flesh baring.

VMA ATTEMPTS TO HAVE CAKE, EAT IT: MTV seem pretty awkward in the run up to what are - lest we forget - the first VMAs since Janet Jackson's nipple was thrust into the face of god-fearing Americans at MTV's half-time Superbowl show; trying to re-assure legislators that they're in control of everything, without wanting to lose what they still clearly believe is a reputation for being cutting edgy, and edgy, and on the edge, and a pair of edgetrimmers. What we find interesting in their ooh, we're dangerous, us chat with the Associated Press is this part:

Still, there's talk of using a video delay for the first time on the live broadcast (it's had an audio delay for years).

Um... how does that work, exactly, if the video is delivered live but the audio is on delay?

MTV president Van Toffler is clearly hoping that nothing bad happens on his watch:

"At the end of the day, what Janet Jackson did at the Super Bowl didn't work for her, and the artists that we work with are professionals."

Which is the closest the head of a TV network gets to being a teacher telling the class before they get on the bus to the zoo "remember, you're representing the school; don't let us down."

BROTHERS BEYOND: As part of the ongoing launch celebrations of the warchildmusic.com website, Keane have recorded a cover version of the Walker Brother's The Sun Aint Gonna Shine Anymore. Our overiding memory of this song is when it turned up on Dave Lee Travis' Golden Oldie Picture Show, a cheap bit of work the BBC used to trot out making 'pop videos for records that predated the pop video.' When TSAGSA turned up, DLT got all teary about the clip that had been made "as it features an interpretation of the song that just wouldn't have been possible when the song was first released." On came the clip, which placed the song in a post-nuclear war zone. So, DLT thinks that there was no paranoia and fear about impending nuclear war in the mid 1960s, apparently.

DISAPPOINTING FILM MADE INTO DVD: Blur's frankly-not-very-good Starshaped on the road documentary gets a DVD release on September 27th; why do bands persist in making these on the road docs? They're always the same:

- band hanging around backstage
- shot of crowd waiting to go in; a girl waves at the camera
- shot of the crowd inside the venue
- band backstage having some sort of minor crisis ("where is the fizzy water?")
- couple of poorly filmed songs
- shot of band backstage with towels; the bassist holds up a bottle of beer to the camera

However, the one saving grave of this DVD is that it's got some footage from when Blur were brilliant and upsetting people with naked women on hippos added as an extra. Might be worth waiting until that comes to bittorrent.

FLEE! IT'S THE ROZZERS: We're deeply amused by the reports of Embrace running away from their "guerilla" gig in Leicester Square because they heard a police siren behind them; even more so by the detail of them running into Capital Radio for sanctuary, like in the middle ages.

IT'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE: We've always felt that Elton John's "if I was a sculptor, but then again, no" always had the air of a line that he meant to go back and change later but forgot - like those moments when you glance down and realise the page of your lecture notes still has the words "come up with a punchy but for here" scrawled on them, so it's pleasing to see them turn up at the launch of The Hatemonger's Quarterly Annual Stupidest Lyric In Rock Music contest. The winner, though, surely, will be Dee doo doo doo, dee daa daa daa?

THOSE KERRANG WINNERS IN FULL, THEN: Here are the boys who won prizes in the 2004 Kerrang awards:
Best British Newcomer - yourcodenameis:milo
Best International Newcomer - Velvet Revolver
Best Single - Last Train Home by Lostprophets
Best Album - Absolution by Muse
Icon Award - MC5
Best Video - Funeral of Hearts by HIM
Best Live Band - The Darkness
Spirit of Rock Award - Anthrax
Classic Songwriter - Ash
Best British Band - The Darkness
Best Band on the Planet - Metallica
Hall of Fame - Green Day

We're really enjoying the concept of Velvet Revolver counting as newcomers - like those escort ads which promise girls "new in town" who turn out to be from the outskirts and in their mid-40s. Nice piece of politicing in managing to give two awards to the Darkness despite their only major new work in the period covered by the awards being the Christmas single (but, remember: they're not a novelty act, right?). And a Hall of Fame that has space in it for Green Day must be the size of an aircraft hangar.

NOT ON YOUR TELLY: Although David Crosby and Graham Nash's bid for a joint presidency is a joke, the US TV networks aren't laughing; they've banned their ads. Somehow, despite not containing a single reference to what may or may not have happened on a boat thirty-five years ago, they were deemed to be too political, and dropped.

Not that political TV adverts are illegal in America.

COURT REPORT: For once, it's not the popstar who's in the dock, as the case against Liam McInerney, who's accused of beating up Shane McGowan, comes to court. McInerney's defence is that McGowan offered him money for sex and, of course, he had to fracture his cheek. At the same time, McInerney is also being tried for fracturing the jaw of Karen Sprott a couple of months before - she hadn't offered him money for sex, but had made the mistake of telling him his phone was ringing.

The case continues.

A MOTLEY FOOL INDEED: There's a near-hysterical piece on Motley Fool which stands as an interesting reminder of the sort of people record companies are ultimately working for: men in brightly coloured blazers shouting on stock exchange floors. The Fool is outraged that the EU has the temerity to be worried that if Microsoft is allowed to swallow Contentguard and its DRM technology, it might wind up dominating the market. The Fool waves its bladder on a stick and suggests that this is ridiculous - isn't Apple the leader in DRM anyway? Isn't this punishing Microsoft for something it might do?

The trouble is, of course, they're seeing DRM as if it was a distinct thing, like a type of lawnmower or a flavour of fizzy drink, totally disconected from any other product. Instead, of course, it's a part of a wider product, and, since Microsoft currently control the Operating System market, still throttle the browser market and are attempting to dominate the media player market, it's salutary for the EU to get involved before the problem develops. Surely it makes sense for the regulators to act before Miscorsoft are again allowed to build up a monopoly and squeeze competitors totally out the market. As the people who control the desktops, Microsoft have to be treated differently, especially as they've been proven time and time again to be untrustworthy - or, rather, very Trust-worthy.

Fool says the EU's early intervention is akin to the arrest of people for crimes they would commit in the future, a la Minority Report, but it isnt. It's more the equivalent of having a past offender signing some sort of register, so when they try to get in a position where it might re-offend, the risk is flagged up. I love being a European.

[Thanks to Jana K for the link]

A PLEASING SYMMETRY: While the RIAA and its hired goons in the FBI go round raiding places in the US in the name of fair play, decency and protecting their rake-off, police in Japan are raiding their sister companies in an investigation into the rigging of the ringtone market, a ten billion Yen business. Apparently, there's a third of a million songs downloaded onto Japanese handsets every day.

ROCKOBIT: Body Count guitarist Dennis Miles has lost his battle with lymphoma. The forty-five year old is the third member of the band to die, following drummer Beatmaster V (leukemia, 1996) and Mosseman (drive-by, 1996). Known as D-Roc, Miles took to wearing a hockey mask at all times to avoid the pressures of fame or, more precisely, infamy.

BYE BYE BABY?: Having seen "how well Mel B has done for herself" in New York (i.e. because nobody knows who she is there, she doesn't get laughed at in the street), Emma Bunton is supposedly mulling a move to the US.

Hmmm... somehow we can picture Emma taking on the role of 'Greatest British Exile in NY', a gap that's needed filling since the death of this chap:



Quentin Crisp, of course, was not a real blonde.

But we're not sure that Emma going down the Letterman treadmill route is going to do her any favours, to be honest.



If she learned how to do gardening she could be the next Kim Wilde...

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE?: We're delighted by the news that Jamelia has signed with a talent agency that may take her to Hollywood. It'd be nice for her to have another string to her bow. She's joining the same stable which represents Styles P, for example:

Styles P., government name David Styles, is no ordinary rapper. He embodies true thug-life to the fullest, and then some. His blood gauging lyrics will leave you cringing and wounded. A hardcore runner whose thugged-out persona leaves admirers and challengers for the chase, and he’s so far ahead of the game that there isn’t anyone who’s remotely close to catching up.

Surely it can only be a matter of time before Jamelia and Styles get to work together.

MORE LAWSUITS: Another few lawsuits issued by the RIAA, bringing the total of people they've brought action against since they started lawsuits at the start of September last year to a mighty 4,000. At which rate, on a conservative estimate of the number of file sharers in the US, it's going to 3504 before they've been able to bring the last action. That they've failed to worry people enough with a year of lawsuits to reduce the problems they claim they face demonstrates that the courtroom threat has totally failed to change people's behaviours in any significant way - for if it had, why would they need to still be bringing these actions?

MC5 IN NW1: Of course, even if you don't go to see the MC5 play the Camden Barfly on Friday, you'll be telling people in ten years time that you did. On the downside, four MC5 tribute sets are promised as well, which is a bit odd; like the Louvre lining the hallway up to the Mona Lisa with a bunch of forgeries. Unless, of course, the tributes are really good, and they send the MC5 out somewhere in the middle of them, so it's like an identity parade: "Which is the real MC5... is it number one, MC Hammer..."

I AM THE LAW: Almost as if he was a placeman at the mercy of large corporations for support for this political campaigns, US Attorney General John Ashcroft has added his weight to the fight against eDonkey.

"P2P does not stand for 'permission to pilfer'" he explained, helpfully. Clearly, the best writers are all busy on the Bush campaign speeches at the moment. He went on:

"We do not believe it is appropriate for the Department of Justice to stand by while such theft is taking place."

He was defending the enormous input of FBI time and resources in a raid on five homes, raids which didn't even result in a single arrest. We're curious how a nation with so many security worries can find the time and space to run about stopping people sharing a few copies of Kill Bill. Unless, of course, the terrorist threat isn't as serious as they tell us, and so they can spare the resources. But why on earth would an administration choose to play up the dangers of terrorism in an election year?