WHAT HAS COUNTRY DONE TO DESERVE THIS?: Cliff Richard's next album is set to be a country album, co-written with Barry Gibb. That's not actually half as interesting as the fact that Richard has quit EMI after 46 years. Universal - somewhat ominously - believes that Cliff's brand of "soft rock" is about to get a revival...

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR: Are we alone in being surprised it's taken this long for Dionne Warwick to release that standard banker, a Christmas album? We're sure it's exactly what the gas stations and small boxes of CDs on newsagent's counters have been waiting for. You know the drill: the usual Xmas tunes, some old, some new; there's also a guest appearance by Gladys Knight - we're hoping for them doing Silent Night in a kind of skit, but we know it won't be.

JACKON'S TIT FINE NEARS: The Washington Post is reporting the FCC is about to confirm its fines over the farrago at half-nudity at Superbowl half-time: enormous fines for CBS-owned channels; nothing for CBS affiliates with different owners. We're not entirely sure this stacks up as a fair judgement - why should a person running the feed for a CBS station in one town be judged at fault simply because he shares an employer with the network, whereas a person running a non-CBS owned station be judged not to have been able to do anything about it? Is the FCC happy to be seen as being vindictive rather than just?

AH... THAT MAKES SENSE, THEN: So, Michael Jackson admits making payments to young boy's families but wouldn't want us to think there was anything odd about it...:

"I have spent my entire life helping millions of children across the world. I would never harm a child. It is unfortunate that some individuals have seen fit to come forward and make a complaint that is completely false [...] Years ago, I settled with certain individuals because I was concerned about my family and the media scrutiny that would have ensued if I fought the matter in court [...] These people wanted to exploit my concern for children by threatening to destroy what I believe in and what I do. I have been a vulnerable target for those who want money."

So, Michael is the victim here, just because he loves children he's been the victim of some sort of terrible blackmail - a shrewd businessman has given away what seems like million upon million because he didn't feel he'd be able to prove his innocence in an open courtroom. His hanging out with the kids has always been about enjoying children's company, not sex.

Odd, though, there are never any young girls making these "false" claims.

MONK AID: Pete Doherty's currently in the "I want to put things right" phase of junkiedom, and is trying to raise money for the Monastery he gave all of five minute's chance to help him cure his smack-cravings. The UK branch of the charity who works with Thamkrabok Monastery is arranging some benefit gigs, and Pete says he'll turn up and play at one. Which means there's a 50-50 chance he might turn up and play at one.

The organisers are looking for new bands who might want to join the headliners at the three benefits (Sep 23, Oct 28 and Nov 24) - emails to bob.m@productuk.co.uk if you're interested.

IT'S A SHIT BUSINESS: Prince has made a simple suggestion to anyone interested in making music as part of the current industry: don't. The Music Industry, says Prince, is no place for an artist:

Stay out of the music industry, stay out of the system. Be revolutionary. Some of these young kids say they want to follow me. Well, if you do, then get your spiritual life together if you want your relationships to go right, and it will happen."
He also advises musicians to strive for the musical independence that he has now achieved so they can own their own songs.
He adds, "I'm a writer. Stephen King is a writer. Can I take a page out of his book and call it Prince's Shining? Can I take a scene out of a movie and call it my own? They say the law helps the writers. I don't need help; I don't need your money. Let us steward our own music."

EXPENSIVE BUSINESS MISTAKES?: Up alongside the guy at Decca who turned down the Beatles could be Nobuyuki Idei. Apparently, Steve Jobs offered Idei's Sony a cut in to iTunes; Idei chose to rebuff Jobs and bet the company on the poorly-recieved Connect service instead. That "unamed Sony sources" are leaking details of this offer to the press suggests that maybe Mr. Idei might be losing the confidence of his colleagues.

YOU'RE NEVER ALONE, MICHAEL: If Mr. Jackson ever gets a break from balancing his chequebook ("Can you remember what this two million bucks was for in June? Was it a pay-off? Or did I need a nose-shoring?") he might like to take comfort in stop_filthy_press, a group dedicated to fighting for his honour, attacked as it is by nasty media types with nothing to hold against him more than a few photos of him dangling a baby over the edge of a balcony, rapidy disproved claims of police harrassment, photos of a face that bears no relation to the one he was born with and yet never having been touched by a plastic surgeon, and the cheerful admission by a man in his forties that he often has preteens over to sleep in his bed. Stop_filthy_press make all its members sign a pledge to uphold the Jacko's honour, before they're able to join the group and join in with its mission statement:

The Knights of Neverland is a Non-Profit Organization whose quest is the respect of human rights, focusing on our beloved Michael Jackson the world's most vulnerable and gentle entertainment icon; largest selling artist; and perhaps most extravagant solo philanthropist who is also, ironically, the most violated and media-taunted celebrity known to the modern world.

As members of The MJIADC you will be updated through this e-group regarding specific media and encouraged to send in any media you may find (TV, radio shows, magazines, tabloids, and so forth) who have made slanderous comments against Michael. Our members then write intelligent letters to that media letting them know you disapprove. We ask that you refrain from using vulgarity and from name calling so that the focus of your letter isn't lost in their opinion of you. The egroup will then serve the purpose of sharing slanderous information with the group and sharing the letters you have written. We also share good and uplifting articles! Through this egroup, you will also be notified of changes to the website.

Our biggest voice is in what we buy, so we discourage you from purchasing tabloids, particularly when they make slanderous comments against Michael. The 'entertainment' media, which tabloids, TV and radio shows are (and which all news media is fast becoming), have very little responsibility to report fairly and accurately. But the type of bashing we see upon Michael, his glorious voice stiffled, isn't what we want to see within humanity and for our children. So, we have to take the responsibility to use the voice they have given us: our wallets. Don't Buy Tabloids.

He may well be the most extravagant solo philanthropist in the world, what with those large cash payouts he makes to kids for no reason whatsoever and the always-open door at the Neverland ranch...

CAN WE BE CANDID?: A whole heap of Hidden Cameras gigs coming up, in America and Europe... pick your nearest one:

SAT 28/8 TORONTO, ON Harbourfront Centre
WED 15/9 HAMILTON, ON The Casbah
THURS 16/9 OTTAWA, ON Barrymores
SAT 18/9 GUELPH, ON Peter Clark Hall

FRI 24/9 FRANKFURT Mousonturm
SUN 26/9 STOCKHOLM Mondo
MON 279 MALMÖ KB
TUE 289 GOTHEBORG Pusterviksbaren or Sticky Fingers
WED 29/9 BERLIN Palais @ Kulturbrauerei
THU 30/9 BRUXELLES Botanique
FRI 1/10 UTRECHT Ekko
SAT 2/10 ROTTERDAM Rotown
MON 4/10 NORWICH ARTS CENTRE
TUE 5/10 LONDON Venue tbc - more details soon
WED 6/10 BIRMINGHAM ACADEMY 3
THU 7/10 GLASGOW NICE N' SLEAZYS
FRI 8/10 NOTTINGHAM SOCIAL
WED 13/10 NEW YORK, NY Bowery Ballroom
WED 27/10 ATLANTA, GA Echo Lounge
THU 28/10 CARRBORO, NC Room Four
FRI 29/10 BALTIMORE, MD Ottobar
SAT 30/10 PHILADELPHIA, PA TBA
SUN 31/10 HOBOKEN, NJ Maxwell's
THU 4/11 HALIFAX, NS St. Matthew's United Church
THU 11/11 NEW YORK, NY Bowery Ballroom
FRI 12/11 BOSTON, MA TT The Bear's
THU 02/12 RENNE, FRANCE

Any oddities in the formatting? That's down to Rough Trade, that is.

A SMALL REMEMBRANCE: The family of Matthew Jay have put together a compilation of Matthew's rare and early stuff called Too Soon, as a thank you for the letters of support following his death, and, of course, to save fans being raped on Ebay:

A little under a year ago and hugely talented singer/songwriter Matthew Jay died tragically. On August 23rd this year Matthew’s album, ‘. . . too soon’ was released by his family as a memorial to this amazing person, and offered in response to the tributes on www.crookedsmile.com. People from all over the world have been deeply touched by Matthew’s music rooted in Wales. As the first anniversary approaches of his tragic loss, the wish of Matthew’s family to keep his music alive has seen this project become reality. Emails to Matthew’s website indicated that many fans were unable to obtain copies of Matthews EPs and Singles. His family wish to celebrate Matthew’s life in the best way possible by making his music available to all who want it. The album features 10 original tracks, early recordings and rarities, plus remixes by Bent and Fug.

A SMALL EXPLOSION: Some further details on the John Spencer Blues Explosion album. Its US release is pencilled for September 28th, it's called Damage, and this is the track listing:

01 Damage
02 Burn It Off
03 Spoiled
04 Crunchy
05 Hot Gossip
06 Mars, Arizona
07 You Been My Baby
08 Rivals
09 Help These Blues
10 Fed Up And Low Down
11 Rattling
12 Blowing My Mind

In addition to the usual types, DJ Shadow, Martine Topley Bird and Dan the Automator pop up within its shiny surface,

ANYONE WANT TO HELP HER OUT?: Anastacia apparently doesn't "get" lapdancers, which is a little bit like not understanding a Garfield cartoon - if you're only pretending you don't follow it, it doesn't make you seem any smarter; if you really don't follow it, you shouldn't be allowed out alone.

HERE YOU GO, FOX NEWS: We're sure the plans to get Lee Ryan to sing a song at a fundraiser for John Kerry is well-meaning, but it doesn't take a genius to spot the potential for disaster as soon as a right-wing American makes the connection between Ryan and the "Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?" remark after the September 11th attacks. 'Kerry Supporter placed 3000 dead beneath pachyderms' really isn't going to help swing those states back your way, John.

YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN. NO, BEST NOT TO: Avril Lavigne has upset folks in her home town by telling Blender that Napanee is a bit rubbish:

"There is fuc*k all to do. It's just a little town where everybody knows everybody and their business. There's nothing to do except get drunk."

It must be hard, that, Avril - sometimes people across the street knowing that you're dating Fred Durst or whoever when you do your darndest to only release the information to the gossip columns.

Anyway, the mayor of Napanee has responded, claiming Avril doesn't know what she's talking about - something we can quite believe:

Gord Schermerhorn is disappointed with Lavigne's comments about Napanee, which boasts a 15,000 population and has just opened a multi-million dollar community centre and Arena. Schermerhorn says, "I have grown up here and there is more to do in Napanee than to get drunk."

We're sure he's right - if small British towns are anything to go by, the drunkeness will be only the start of it: there'll be cleaning up vomit, organising emergency contraception, trying to fix the smashed bus-shelters... it can keep you busy the whole day. We're also not sure about any "arena" which takes second billing to a "community centre" - we're guessing a baseball pitch and some bleachers, right?

APPARENTLY SOME TROUBLE COUNTING: So, obviously, everyone's delighted at the news that Victoria Beckham really is pregnant with a third child - proving again that you can rely on Popbitch. Judging by the first report on the bitch about Beckham being knocked up, she's now in her thirteenth month of pregnancy, suggesting that Posh is part Camargue Horse. Anyway, to celebrate adding a third child to the brood, the Beckhams have put in a planning permission bid for two extra bedrooms in Beckingham Palace - although why this is required isn't clear, since there were seven bedrooms to begin with, and even if, post-Loos, David sleeps alone, we make it there's room for a couple more even so.

Interestingly, the Beckham house is a former orphanage. We bet its haunted.



We wonder why they need to extend to accomodate the new kid - couldn't they just convert an unused part of the house? The kitchen would seem to be the most obvious starting point.

NO! I AM THE TRUE HOLDER OF BRITNEY SPEAR'S GUM: You can't move on Ebay right now for people trying to flog you gum they swear has come out of Britney's gob. Either there are a lot of people fibbing, or the dirty little minx doesn't dispose of her gum properly. Wrap it and bin it, Britney, wrap it and bin it.

HEY YA FOR DUBBYA? HELL NO: So it turns out that Andre 3000 isn't hanging round the Republican National Convention in order to lend some support to George Bush - Andre says he's just there making a film, same as Michael Moore was:

"The reason why I'm here [is because] I'm doing a documentary on youth and voting. I guess people got wind that I was coming here for the Republican convention, [but] they really didn't know the complete story. I wanted to clear it up. You had a lot of people around town, people in the streets, that heard I was supposed to be performing at the convention. A lot of people [are] riled up and upset, and that was never the case. It almost [leads] me to think, 'Who put it out there that I was performing?' I don't know if it was to bring heat to a certain party. I just want to let people know that this is a nonpartisan documentary I'm doing."

So, that's alright then. Mind you, he hasn't come out and condemned the Swift Boat adverts yet, has he?

BUSTED BROKEN: Not quite on the rock sick list, but James from Busted has collapsed and died. Apart from the died bit, which we just threw in for effect. Apparently, he got dehydrated in Colorado after the air conditioning broke down on the band's tour bus. We can't really blame him that much - No Rock went a woo-ing in the heat of a Colarado summer once, and at that altitude, it's quite a lot for a wan English boy to take. Mind you, we never collapsed. On the other hand, we've never had a top ten single.

YOU CAN BURN THROUGH A LOT OF CASH THAT WAY: Now, unless we're getting muddled here, this kid supposedly give USD2 million to go away by Michael Jackson isn't the first kid, or the one at the heart of the court case now, but a new, whole different kid, yes? Mind you, this could only be the start of the confusion - Dateline report a retired Sheriff saying they reckon there could be another eight to ten kids floating around with a huge story and a large cheque.

We're always a little puzzled by the "no discussion of the claims" bit in these deals - if one of the kids did decide to go public, what is Jackson going to do? Sue the kid in open court? "He broke the promise not to tell anyone I fiddled with him and I want my money back"?

THAT'D BE WHY: Jadakiss has got some questions 'why'. The Morning News offers some answers.

START BUYING THE CART OUT: Remember a few years back when Alan McGee gave Noel Gallagher a Rolls Royce? Of course you do, it was the point in rock history where it became clear that Creation Records was totally fucked, morally and spiritually. Now you can own that very Rolls Royce, up for sale on Ebay and at the moment going for GBP11,300. We're not sure we'd pay that for a Rolls Royce anyway, and this one is Brown, and used to be owned by Noel Gallagher, which doesn't make it any more attractive.

DO WE SNIFF SOMETHING ODD HERE?: Suddenly, the odds on The Zutons picking up the Mercury Prize have shortened unexpectedly.



Do we sense the shady presence of those Far Eastern betting syndicates we hear so much about?

Whatever did happen to The Coral, by the way?

HELP SUDAN: Sure, we'd love to download an album of exclusive songs to help the people caught in Sudan, but unfortuantely, the DRM means that we can't. But of course, helping out a charity at a time of desperate need pales into insignificiance compared with ensuring the record companies can control their copyright, right? Rather than trying to spend eight quid on the album, we'd recommend giving the five quid which Oxfam would get anyway straight to oxfam. (Where does the other three pounds go?)

IT'S LIKE A TEN MINUTE FREEVIEW, ONLY ITS TEN SECONDS: The French version of Placebo's Protect Me comes with an erotic video, and they've got a teaser online. Protege Moi, it is in French, of course. It's not clear if you get to judge the claims about Brian's foot for yourself. Not from the preview, anyway.

ONE MORE NIGHT... AND THAT'S IT: So, it turns out the current Phil Collins tour is probably going to be his last - Phil says he's going deaf and so he'll continue to make music (can't have everything) but probably not on stage.

THE PEOPLE BEING CRUSHED IN THE NAME OF THE SONGWRITERS: The RIAA dab their little eyes whenever they think of all those poor artists being denied their crusts by filesharers, so it's an interesting counterpoint to get to hear from someone who has had their life ruined by the RIAA. Charil Johnson, a student at Kansas University, has been talking about getting caught filesharing by the music industry cartell.

WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: Again, the Royal Mail has let us down... no NME yet. WTPPS doesn't really work without the magazine...

HELPING AVRIL OUT: You'll recall, of course, Avril Lavigne's insistence that she won't be selling herself on her body - "I won't wear skanky clothes that show off my booty, my belly or boobs" were her exact words. Clearly, she must have some sort of double going round pretending to be her in photoshoots, and we're happy to bring these to her attention. The doppelganger has appeared in the current US edition of Elle Girl:





... and also turned up elsewhere:



Who would be so complicated as to do such a thing?

THE GATESKEEPER'S OFFERING: Honk, honk, here comes Mr. Toad, as Bill Gates Online Music store opens, albeit in Beta form at the moment. The editorial suggests that they've just got some guys from coding to write about music - like this, where they explain what they think is "alternative":

The label "alternative" has come to be the trash compactor of sorts for music that's hard to pigeonhole into a specific genre. It melds an exhaustive list of styles: rock, country, pop, punk, metal, electronica, R&B, rap, hip-hop and even spoken word. Lyrics go from introspective and emotional (Aimee Mann) to immature and catty (blink-182); artists range from pin-up worthy (John Mayer) to, well, alternative (Good Charlotte); the music ranges from soft and lilting (Death Cab for Cutie) to hard and loud (The Deftones). Perhaps this is the draw of alternative music -- a little bit of everything, usually underscored by guitars and steady drums and basslines. Whether you want to drown in melodic pop or pound out your sorrows to some '80s metal, there's a band or artist ready to help.

Basically, in other words, they've just wedged everything they couldn't think of a home for into alternative, but mostly it seems to be "whiney teen music" - the front page teaser for the "genre" suggests it's "blink-182, Hoobastank, Linkin Park"; a hole down which nobody would willingly put a face, surely?

The site is slathered in low-rent advertising, too - Atkins Diet banners keep leaping out at me - and the whole experience suggests that MSN Music is akin to the CD section of your local Asda, while iTunes would be more like HMV back in the 80s when they were a record shop. There's a sense that music is just stuff to be shifted - of course, Apple don't really care about the music, either, but at least the acknowledge that their customers do. We're surprised that Microsoft haven't tried to compete on price - presumably expecting their monopoly position to do the work for them.

In a nicely-timed spoiler move, Apple has launched an iTunes affiliate scheme at the same time.

SONGWRITEROBIT: Johnny Bragg, who co-wrote Just Walkin' In The Rain, has died in Nashville. He was 79. The song, a hit for Johnnie Ray, was co-written during one of Bragg's various spells in prison with another convict, Robert Riley. Bragg made the original version of the song with The Prisonaires, a group formed - as the name suggestes - behind bars. The band underwent various changes, changing its name to the Sunbreams and The Marigolds as members got released. Out of jail, Bragg forged a brief solo career before being incarcerated again. After his final release in 1977, Bragg never troubled the authorities again; nor did he trouble the charts.