(INEVITABLY) JENNY FROM THE CHOC: At least it's not as rubbish as their break bumpers for Coronation Street, but we still can't quite work out what made Madame Tussauds And Cadbury decide to make a Jennifer Lopez out of chocolate. Unless it was corporate insanity. We were taken with the claim that

Cadbury and Madame Tussauds have teamed up to create the first ever chocolate figurine

because we could have sworn we had a cow made from Milka, and what the hell is Freddo if he's not a figurine? Perhaps they meant to add "... of a fading popstar" in the interests of clarity but just forgot. We did have a horrible, horrible puncline involving anal sex and Marc Anthony, but we've had already had complaints that Accenture are blocking this site from their employee's computers, and we really don't want to get their filters all hot and bothered.

ROCKOBIT: The King who sang with "the King", Solomon King, has died.

Although best known as a backing singing for Elvis (indeed, it's a picture of Presley that the BBC are using for King's obituary - once a backing singer, always a backing singer) he also worked with Billie Holiday, the first white singer to do so. He scored hits as a solo artist with She Wears Your Ring and When We Were Young.

Born in Lexington, Kentucky as Alan Levy, King lived in Manchester for two decades with his Canadian wife, Henny Lowy. The couple raised four children before the marriage ended; King retunred to America and picked up a career singing in the clubs.

King died from cancer yesterday in his Oklahoma home.

RIGHT... THAT MAKES THINGS CLEARER: Well, obviously there's a clear explanation for the addition of those five extra songs to the Brit single of the year category. Apparently:

"It has been brought to the organisers' attention that the 2004 chart year comprised 53 weeks rather than 52, running from 28 December 2003 until 1 January 2005," a Brits statement said.

"To avoid any ambiguity and in the interests of accuracy and fair play the Brits committee has decided to expand the nominations list to ten."

It's not actually been made clear if the week they missed off was the first in the year, or the last, but either way... the implication seems to have been that if you count the sales and airplay of that extra week, why, the five 'new' nominations suddenly add-up to have out-performed the five 'old' nominations.

Eh? Now, if they mean the first week of last year (28 Dec onwards) had been overlooked, we don't see how it could have made any difference as none of the singles had been released at that point. And it could be that in the run-up to Christmas, George Michael's sales of Anything outstripped, say, Do They Know Its Christmas by just enough to push it back into the top five, but we don't believe that for a moment. In fact, we can't accept at all that missing a week off the figures would mean a totally different list of five nominations would have been delivered - maybe one song different; perhaps two - but all five? Why don't the Brits just parade up and down outside our houses telling us they think we're stupid?

SONY ADMITS SCREW-UP - SORT-OF: It's rare to see a company admit a mistake, and that's nearly what Ken Kutaragi has done when he stated publicly that Sony had dropped a meaty one by not building players capable of handling mp3 files. Although it's not quite a mea culpa - Ken heads up the computer wing of the wobbly Sony soft-and-hardware corporation, and is very clearly pointing the finger at the entertainment side of the group's worries over people stealing their stuff. So it's a kind of they-a culpa, then.

THE DESPERATE GRAB ANY CHANCE THEY CAN: We're sure it's heartbreaking for Lief Garrett to see his former lover Nicolette Sheridan in Despeate Housewives; they lived together when she was 16 and she dumped him after sixteen years. But, Leif, why are you telling us about it? And why, why, why in so much detail?

"Our love was too passionate and tempestuous. She dumped me and broke my heart but she will always be the love of my life. We had an incredible, fantastic sex life. She was very athletic and coordinated, and we couldn't keep our hands off each other."

A MAN OF THE PEOPLE: Hey, you can't accuse Ice Cube of getting airs and graces - take when he goes to see the Lakers play:

ICE CUBE never misses a LOS ANGELES LAKERS home basketball game, but he refuses to sit with the stars.

Go ube - not for him the cossetted life of sitting with the rich and feted, oh no. So, are you down on the bleachers with the rest of us, Ice? Erm... nope...

The rapper owns a box at the Staples Center, where he can watch the game while his kids do their homework.

Of course he refuses to sit with the stars - he aint gonna go down to their crappy little area when he's got a living room of his own he can be watching from. We're sure the poor of LA will be delighted to hear that his kids go to the game, and spend their time doing homework instead, too.

AT THE MOMENT, IT CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN THE PROSPECT OF HER DAD RELEASING SINGLE AFTER SINGLE: You might have thought the embarrassed indifference that greeted her debut album 'None of My Father's Talent' ("Lights Out") would have given a great big hint to Lisa Marie Presley that there's absolutely nothing going to happen there. But then this is a woman who married Michael Jackson, and if she can't see the obvious signs there, she might be hard to semaphore a message to.



So, she's having another shot, with a new Lisa Marie album on the way. Blimey, are we ever blessed?

JEMIMA PISSYPANTS VERSUS USHER - IT'S LIKE A MINI-WAR: We're not quite sure why Usher is so pissed off that J-Lo has recorded the same song as him - her Get Right is largely based on a 12" bonus track he did called Ride last year. "I better get some of the publishing" he grumbles, despite the track being the work the (common to both) producer Rich Harrison. Usher seems to want a cut because he did the same song, not because he wrote it, which is an interesting concept.

RAPOBIT: Lamont Bentley died on Wednesday following a car accident. Although best known for his role Hakeem Campbell in Brandy-fronted sitcom Moesha, Bentley had put effort into attempting to establish a second front with his rap project Uprise. He was also the face of Opal Fruits in America.

The thirty-one year old lived in LA, but his hometown of Milwaukee had named a day in his honour. He's survived by two children and his mother.

TWENTY-ONE DAYS IN, AND IT'S OVER: Although it's great that they had a brilliant time with REM, it must be a little crushing to know that as far as everyone is concerned, REM's Belgrade date has been judged the main rock event in Serbia in 2005. That's eleven months of fairly lean days ahead, then. Perhaps they might get a Fuel gig sometime round May.

MORE C: Melanie C - Dignified Spice - is readying the debut release on her own label. Her self-funded album is taking the title Beautiful Intentions (like what the road to hell is paved with?) and remember: every copy sold sold makes a Spice Girls reunion that little less likely.

GREAT REASONS TO HAVE CHILDREN: There are many reasons why a person may feel a yearning to have children, but surely there are no more pressing impulses driving the maternal instinct than the need to stop being vain, like Gwen Stefani:

"I imagine children will save me from my vanity, and they will become my passion and fill whatever fears I have right now.

"I don't want to drop off and not be on the radio and not be able to talk about myself for hours. I don't want it to go away. But at the same time, I never expected to be here in the first place."

- Mummy, do you love me?
- Of course, little Gwenette - for without you, I'd be the most self-centred person on the planet...

WE SUSPECT THE PERFUME COMPANY HAVE HAD A WORD: Jennifer Lopez has laughed and laughed and laughed at how the 'don't call me J-Lo' thing has been reported. Oh, how she laughed, she told 106.1 BLI radio. In fact, she really doesn't mind what you call her, oh no. No, not at all. Nope.

"You can call me J-Lo or you could call me Jennifer or you could call me Jenny - I don't care!"

Well, there you go. We're going to call you Jemima Pissypants from now on, though, if that's okay.

MAYBE WE COULD KEEP DOING IT UNTIL... OOH, I HAVE A NUMBER ONE?: Nick Lachey, aware that his place in the world depends solely on being 'the husband of...' is apparently fretting that once the Newlyweds is over, he won't have any career at all.

STEPHEN KING WRITES...: We've had a response from Arriva Train Wales' Stephen King, which suggests that they might be thinking about giving a little more, depending on how they do tomorrow:

I cannot inform you of andetails of possible contribution from Arriva until the accounts are done, however Arriva has already made a donation for the Tsunami appeal.

We've not been able to track down any details on how much Arriva have donated already - their website doesn't give anything anyway; and we've asked Stephen if he could clarify what they'll be looking for when they "do they accounts." But at least it's not the same flat No as First Great Western gave.

TRAVEL TO CARDIFF: One thing we note in the BBC Travel guide for the Cardiff concert is that, while Arriva Trains Wales are laying on extra trains, there won't be any extra services between London and Cardiff - so First will be cramming everyone into the usual number of trains and won't be incurring an extra penny in operating costs.

Arriva warns that if the concert overruns at all, the extra services they're providing afterwards won't be much use, as they're not going to bother waiting for the very people they've been put on to collect.

In the interests of fairness, we've asked Arriva how much of their revenue from the extra trips to Cardiff they'll be offering to the tsunami appeal.

AND THEN THE PLASTIC SURGEON SAYS "MONROE? I THOUGHT YOU MEANT MANSON...":

IS IT ME, OR IS THERE AN ODOUR OF RAT AROUND HERE?: Due - we're told - to some sort of discrepancy in the original figures supplied to the Brits people, they've expanded the nominations for Best Single from five to ten. This is to be "fair":

"The Brits is committed to ensuring the accuracy and integrity of all our awards."

Integrity? With Will Young in the running for the best single of the last 25 years?

Anyway, the usual rule is supposed to be that the five best selling/most played records of the year are nominated. The original lsit was this:

Band Aid 20 - Do They Know Its Christmas
Jamelia - Thank You
LMC vs U2 - Take Me To The Clouds Above
Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme
Will Young - Your Game

but then, with this sudden discovery of new details, they've added these:

Natasha Bedingfield - These Words
Keane - Everybody's Changing
George Michael - Amazing
Sugababes - In The Middle
The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

We wonder who they're trying to tempt along to play live by sneaking them a nomination in. We're not sure, but we don't believe that George Michael sold that many copies of Amazing, and it was hardly blaring from every street corner. I challenge you to find a milkman who can whistle it.

SOMEONE THINKS OF THE CHILDREN: A big hoo-hah over at Kerrisdale Elementary in Vancouver, where head teacher Carol Andison has barred grade seven girls from doing Lady Marmalade at a school bash:

"It's a really great tune," Andison said. "It's just not appropriate for an elementary school show."

Parents, of course, are fuming that their little darlings have been barred from dressing up as hookers and singing about prostitution:

"It's censorship," Kiara Hunter fumed. "It's infuriating as a parent. What are they going to do, burn books now?"

...which is a splendid piece of over-reaction. Maybe Hunter doesn't mind her daughter singing 'do you wanna fuck me?' provided it's been translated into French first, but her principal telling her she can't do it on a school stage isn't really the same thing as National Socialism, surely?

If the row carries on, they'll scrap the entire musical event and just re-run Class 3A's stage production of The Story of O from last year instead.

CABEROBIT: The death has been announced of Jody Berry, nightclub singer. During a long career touring the US, he worked with Ella Fitzergerald and wrote his own musical, Memory Lane of Fame. Years ahead of Beyonce and the rappers, Berry diversified into producing clothing, pushing both his menswear L'Uoma Elegante and "upscale golfing clothes."

Berry died on Tuesday from cancer. The 68 year-old is survived by his wife, Joni.

DORIAN FOLDS: New York classical indie Dorian has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. The mainly baroque label, with debts of a million dollars, reports that it is winding down its business and is not expected to seek to emerge from protection.

MIND-WARPING HEADLINES OF OUR AGE: A BRIEF SERIES: Glastonbury : the first real rumours. That would be as opposed to the fake rumours, then? Anyway, apparently Michael Eavis went to see Keane at their Bristol gig (which isn't actually a rumour); Ian Brown is meant to be on the list too. And Coldfuckingplay as the main Saturday draw. We'll wait until 2006, then.

WE WOULDN'T TRUST CLERICAL MEDICAL TO INVEST A PENNY: Not if the quality of their financial advice is obviously as poor as their research methodology. They set out to find out what songs people play when they're in a good mood. The results? The first most popular song is Robbie William's Radio. The second? We're meant to believe that people come home, a song in their heart, a smile on their face, and a rainbow around their shoulder and put on... Do They Know It's Christmas? "Everybody sing along! There wooooon't be snow in Aaah-free-car this Crimahtime..."

CURIOUSITY: When the RIAA sues ordinary file sharers, they "generously" agree to accept thousands of dollars for a few songs, despite that representing a large chunk of those people's incomes - the two grand they took off the mother of the twelve year old kid in the projects may have been as much as a tenth of her income for the year. Oddly, though, when the record companies sue each other, they seem to be happy to accept a lot less. So it is that Bertlesmann and Bridgeport have settled over Bertelsmann loaning Napster USD85million to keep going in its pre-legal days. And yet - including legal fees - the setttlement here is just USD50,000. And since this case has been dragging on for a few years, I think we can safely say that most of that will be for legal fees.

Isn't it odd that the losses incurred by record companies due to illegal sharing seem to be so much less when it's a buddy that is having to make them good.

ANOTHER COUNTRY SINGER DWI: What is it with the country music scene? Is there something non-Nashville about calling a taxi? Another country star, Cory Morrow, has been charged with driving while intoxicated. And, stealing a trick from the rap boys, he also had lots of coke in the car while he was forgetting the basics of driving (turning without signalling, not driving while off your head, and so on).

COACH BOOKED: Last year, Coachella witnessed the rebirth of The Pixies, so if you want to be there to see what they do this time round, you'll need to have April 30th and May 1st free.

BRITNEY STARTS PREGNANCY RUMOURS. AGAIN: It's been a few days since the last 'ooh, she must be up the duff' story, so Britney has gone down to get a maternity swimsuit, kicking off another round of the 'this time she must be pregnant' mutterings. Or maybe she's just ordered a large number of cream cakes, and is planning how she's going to work them off?

In a recent interview, Britney announced that she's done virtually everything, and so has to have a kid:

I've had a career since I was 16, I have travelled around the world and even kissed Madonna! The only thing I haven't done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that's having a baby. I can't wait!

The closest thing to God is having a baby? We thought it was being the Pope. Surely being split in two as a living thing crawls out of your lower regions as you scream in pain is closer to The Exorcist than God? But leaving the theology aside, we're not sure Britney has totally been honest when it comes to ticking off the 'job done' list. Sure, she's kissed Madonna - so has Warren Beatty - but has she ever rimmed Tony Blair? Has she thrown up in a gumboot? Has she seen the sun rise over the reservoir? We're sure there's lots of things she could be doing instead of getting herself gravid with Federline's baby. Even nunnerying might be more fun, and would have that all-important 'close to God' factor, what with the being married to Jesus and all.

DOUBLE OR QUITS: Apparently these days Noel Gallagher is reduced to giving interviews to Nuts, the magazine for people who can neither read nor reach the proper porn. Anyway, he claims that Oasis had sixty-six songs from which to make the new album, but decided against doing a double because "we don’t want to give Sony too much ‘cos it’s our last one, so fuck ‘em."

Sixty-six songs? Now, since they abandoned the first version of the album after Glastonbury, and went back to square one, and assuming they finished the album before Christmas, we reckon that would mean they kept up a workrate of writing three songs a week for twenty weeks - which would either suggest they've suddenly discovered a rich seam of inspiration that's eluded them for the past decade, or else they've just been knocking out any old rubbish in a bid to get this finished. We shan't insult you by telling you what we're guessing here.

The title is rumoured to be Don't Believe The Truth. Don't Believe The Troll might be more accurate.

SHOEGAZING: We think this might be our favourite music blog ever: Popstars Feets. Helen goes up to indie popsters of various levels, and takes a photo of their feet. And then posts it.

So far we have learned that Chris Martin doesn't write anything on his shoes, and Eddie Argos from Art Brut wears old men's socks.

FORTY-TWO: As if waking from a long slumber, Six By Seven have announced a new single - Valentine's day Ocean/Clouds double a-side - and a whole tour, too:

24th January Liverpool University
26th Manchester Academy 3
27th Glasgow King Tuts
28th Leicester Charlotte
29th Bristol Louisana
30th Nottingham Rock City
1st Februay Newcastle The Cluny
2nd Leeds Josephs Well
3rd Oxford Zodiac
4th Aldershot West End Centre
5th London Garage