BLUNT BOO-HOOS

Yes, yes, of course the chap who did the hip-hop guitar business at the NME awards was Plan B, not to be confused with the magazine of the same name. Anyway, back to business, and despite having whined a few weeks back that he hated the way he was always portrayed as a bit of a milksop, James Blunt has now taken to portraying himself as a bit of a milksop, moaning that he doesn't get on with girls:

“I think sensitive is the wrong description. I’m British, so I’m quite bad at expressing myself in conversation — as any ex-girlfriend will tell you. I’m probably emotionally stunted.”

Well, you managed to express yourself quite well there, young James. Maybe you should try one of those "build your confidence" tapes they advertise in the cheaper papers. Or perhaps just stop making rubbish albums, which might mean girls stop looking at you pityingly.

music james blunt

CREAM QUITS LIVERPOOL. AGAIN.

Having closed the club years ago, an inability to get guarantees on the long-term future of the old Speke Airfield site has led Cream to relocate the Creamfields festival across the border into Runcorn.

Liverpool Echo music correspondent sees this as part of a decline in the city's musical base:

It seems that, rather than encour-aging music into the city, we're pushing it away.

The Royal Court rarely offers live music after the auditorium was taken over by Rawhide Comedy Club, and the latest knock is the news Creamfields is moving to out of the city.

Still, the council are building a shiny new Debenhams. That seems to be where they're aiming for these days.

music runcorn liverpool cream creamfields

NME AWARDS: Cheek by jowls

Poor Russell Brand, given the task of presenting the NME Awards yesterday - his schtick wasn't so very bad, and he might have got away with simply pretending that the room wasn't set up well to capture the responses to his gags, were it not for the roars which the Arctic Monkeys managed when they suggested that maybe he was a little bit Wheeltappers with his north-south divide stuff. The bit of business with Carl Barat was quite amusing in a play-what-I-wrote way, especially because it's nice to see Barat taking the piss out of himself; the pointless stuff with the backstage masseurs less so.

It was a night of jowly Mancunians - Peter Hook came on to present the best live band prize; Pete Shelley handed out the Peel-themed innovation prize which Shaun Ryder collected; Ian Brown (okay, not especially jowly) was the lifetime achievement award. Indeed, they should have just gone the whole hog and got Fred Elliot in to anchor the whole thing.

Peter Hook instigated the only real bit of drama in a night which otherwise flowed from A to B to C: as Brand revealed that Franz Ferdinand couldn't be with them, Hook took it upon himself to rededicate the prize to the Kaiser Chiefs instead. Brand did rise to this, actually, giving a school-teacherly "do you think that's fair?" opportunity for the Kaisers to hand it back. They instead offered it to the Cribs who sent someone leaping into their table. Luckily, the Franzies had already accepted the prize on a bit of tape - from "Uncle" Iggy Pop - so no need to put asterisks all over your list of prize winners.

The Arctic Monkeys did well - not only taking three prizes but keeping just the right side of charming arrogance ("Best band in Britain? Well, who else?") to get away with it, but their Brazil style sweeping of all ahead of them did make the prizes seem less like a summation of last year and more like a snapshot of right now. This modishness on the part of the enfranchised NME reader was really underlined when Pete Doherty, last year's darling, came stumbling on to - eventually, eventually - play Down In Albion. Nobody actually said "oh, look, it's the skaggy ghost of Christmas past", but it was a polite sort of evening.

Apart from Bono's swearing, of course. When - confusingly - Live8 picked up the best DVD prize (despite not actually being considered the best event of the year) - they had a short film from Mr. Vox in which he was warm, amusing and very, very sweary indeed. Up until he started trying to get all holier-than-Bob on us. And then Bob Geldof came up to try and out microJesus Bono. Apparently, it seems every time someone buys a Live8 DVD, it puts a little bit of pressure on the governments to stick to the weak promises they made at the G8 (not to mention some profit into EMI's bottom line, of course). We love this idea of replacing democracy with purchases - we're going to buy three copies of Bob's Vegetarians of Love album today to see if it'll make the council put in a ramp outside the library.

The performances were pretty good - it would have been nice if there'd been some room for music fans to have a bit of a dance in front of the stage, rather than making the bands play to people caught in the perpetual embarrasment of being seated during a rock performance: "do we dance? should we jiggle our heads? maybe we should stare fixedly ahead and hope the camera doesn't focus on us... oh, rats..."

Johnny Borrell seems to have been reborn as an Andy Bell tribute act (when he was in Ride, not Oasis); Dirty Pretty Things still feel half-formed, but coalescing nicely. The hip-hop bloke with a guitar, who we seem to have written down as being Mark One, but that might just be a reminder to us to buy new socks today, was introduced as being a "British Eminem" (cue Brand making some weak joke about chocolates) but actually seemed to be a 2006 version of Lemm Sissay.

Conor McNicholas - who really has grown into his role - came on to do the headmasterly duties for the lifetime achievement award: apparently "Ian Brown is close to the heart of the magazine"; for reasons that were never clearly explained to us, Teddy Sheringham did the actual presentation before Brown said "it is an honour"" and thanked everyone who makes music, ever.

Those winners - as ever - in full, then, including the ones that they didn't show on TV (George W Bush's acceptance speech was just too rude for even E4):

Best British Band
Arctic Monkeys

Best International Band
The Strokes

Best Solo Artist
Kanye West

Best New Band
Arctic Monkeys

Best Live Band
Franz Ferdinand

Best Album
'Employment' - Kaiser Chiefs

Best Track
'I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor' - Arctic Monkeys

Best Video
'The Importance Of Being Idle' - Oasis

Best Music DVD
Live8

Best Event
Carling Weekend: Reading And Leeds Festivals

Best TV Show
'Gonzo'

Best Radio Show
Zane Lowe (Radio 1)

Best Film
'Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire'

Best Website
NME.COM

Best Venue
Brixton Carling Academy

Hero Of The Year
Bob Geldof

Villain Of The Year
George Bush

Best Dressed
Ricky Wilson

Worst Dressed
Justin Hawkins

Worst Album
'Back To Bedlam' - James Blunt

Worst Band
Son Of Dork

Sexiest Man
Pete Doherty

Sexiest Woman
Madonna

Some of these are just plain curious - either because they're wrong (Gorillaz? Innovation? Maybe - if you'd never heard The Archies - the first album might have had a smack of novelty about it) or what they say about the NME readership right now: they fancy Madonna, watch Harry Potter and... they still give a bloody prize to Oasis. You might imagine the paper is drawing a large slew of support from younger teens these days; the polls suggest if you factor in people voting on the website, the average age of the NME user is about 50.

One last observation: Shockwaves, the hair stuff that sponsored the awards, were too tight to sponsor the E4 awards show.

music nme awards arctic monkeys bono ian brown live 8

R KELLY GETS ACCUSED CHILD ABDUCTOR OFF THE HOOK

A strange story from Sacramento, where a judge has refused to allow a case to go ahead against a man who prosecutors believe tried to accost an 11 year-old girl because the man used a slang term for underage sex.

The term?

When she told him she was 11, [the man] allegedly asked whether she had a boyfriend, "then told her he was fixing to do an 'R. Kelly,"' the prosecutor's office said.

The girl ran away before anything bad happened to her. Presumably the judge feels that it's not yet time for R Kelly to be accepted as a term for unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor; perhaps the judge felt that there were other interpretations of what "doing an R Kelly" might mean - perhaps believing himself able to fly, perhaps he was going to hide in a closet. Perhaps the man intended to force the girl's brother to release a sell-through DVD denouncing her. We may never know.

music r kelly

IA NEW SHADE OF DARKNESS

The Darkness are about to "reveal a startling new look", apparently, in the promo for their next single:

Justin Hawkins told GMTV's Lorraine Kelly yesterday: "We're planning a massive, massive overhaul.

"It's going to be outrageous but in a different way."

Let's hope he's not talking about the dancing about in a wedding dress like in the advert for the single, though, because that's not especially outrageous. It just makes him look like Princess Diana.

music the darkness justin hawkins

POP STAR SECRETS

The Association of United Recording Artists (AURA) made a bit of an awkward slip, popping the personal details of a bunch of pop stars into an envelope and accidently sending them out.

Now, it's not quite Paul McCartney's PIN number or a photo of Madonna kissing a man who is her husband:

They include a copy of David Gray’s driving licence, Bjork’s bank details, passport copies of Paul Heaton and David Rotheray from The Beautiful South — and details on Geri Halliwell.

After all, David Gray isn't likely to be victim of an identity theft as he doesn't really have one; Bjork might be a more tasty target but with such a singular person, pinching her identity would be like stealing a Munch painting - you'd never be able to take it onto the opne market without someone noticing. And Geri Halliwell? The name is familiar - wasn't she a question in the 1990s Trivial Pursuit box?

That the stuff was sent not to Junky Meer's Dodgy House of Card-swiping and to, erm, Price Waterhouse Coopers does lessen the problem somewhat. But we do like AURA's response:

“We take all normal precautions.”

We love the bristly implication that, you know, any company might find itself accidently sending out lists of home addresses and bank details, and there's hardly anything you can do to stop it happening.

The Aura spokesperson then went on to say no, that wasn't their PIN number written on their palm and why would we think the post-it stuck to the computer with "CHANGEME" was their system password, before looking horrified and leaving saying "Oh, shit, I left the iron on..."

music geri halliwell bjork aura

BRITNEY LOOKS FOR STEERS

In the same way that doctors are morally obliged to ensure that their patients don't hurt themselves, are marriage guidance counsellers equally charged with saying "you'd be better off rid, pal" when a couple come where "saving the marriage" would be akin to "cutting my own head off"?

If so, Kevin Federline might be a little nervous right now: Britney and he are calling in a little help.

music britney spears kevin federline

BLOC PARTY DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO BECOMING THE VERVE

There's Bloc Party, having a nice old chat with Rolling Stone about what the second album is going to sound like, and it's all shaping up lovely, like a mix of Radiohead and TV On The Radio, and then Gordon Moakes goes and says this:

He expects the track "Uniform" to be a people-pleaser, "Atonement" to be the record's "centerpiece" and "Wet" to get feet moving. "If all goes well with that one, it will be quite a brooding dancefloor-type thing, and quite druggy," he says. "We're hoping to maybe have some strings in that."

Noooo! Just because the chap from the label said "you know, you sold so many of your first album we'd happily pay for, ooh, a string quartet and maybe a couple of extra violas", you don't have to take them up on it. The curse of pop is the band who suddenly develop strings on their second album. Don't be tempted...

music bloc party

REYNOLDS SUGGEST NME IS NARROWCAST, ARCTIC MONKEYS GOOD

As people gather for the NME awards, on the other side of the ocean Simon Reynolds sat down for a chat with the Seattle Weekly and took the opportunity to say what he thinks is wrong with the NME today. Not enough Paul Morley, apparently:

It's complicated. NME is no longer like it was at all when I was a kid. At that point, NME saw itself as a magazine about all music, not just indie rock. They would have Bob Marley on the cover, a big piece on Michael Jackson. There was a sense of journalistic responsibility, like The New York Times or something. I feel like if the NME of then was around today, they would have had Dizzee Rascal on the cover. They would have a cover story on crunk and the whole Girls Aloud phenomenon, all this stuff that's happening now. Usually now it's rubbish. It's unfortunate with the Arctic Monkeys because they are actually really good, and that's going to just reinforce the NME being so narrowcast.

SW: The level of discourse in music-writing then seems so much higher.

Reynolds: That element appealed to a minority of the readership, but quite a lot of that minority was musicians. I was surprised when I interviewed musicians for the book and they'd say, "Oh yeah, Paul Morley was gospel. We'd read him every week." But the core music-press readership is always looking for a four-man guitar band from Britain that reflects back their lives to them in a slightly heroic way. The Clash did that, Joy Division in a more existential way, Echo & the Bunnymen, the Smiths, Stone Roses, the Libertines, Arctic Monkeys. It's the same all the way through. That is precisely what someone like Ian Penman at the time would have critiqued. When readers wanted Echo & the Bunnymen, he was writing about Grace Jones and the idea of artifice.

Of course, the key words here are probably "like it was when I was a kid", as each generation measures the NME from what it was like when they were teenagers, and always finds it wanting.

What's interesting, though, is that Reynolds is in effect arguing that to make a great music paper, you have to give the audience precisely what it doesn't want, which sounds so counter-inuitive as to be unsustainable.

Mind you, we're not sure we should waste too much time on any paragraph including the words "the Arctic Monkeys are actually really good", because that's stretching generosity of spirit a little too far.

music nme

THAT'LL STOP CHENEY: FISCHERSPOONER WANT THE WAR OVER

If this was Vietnam, we'd have had a few decent albums of anti-war music by now. As it is, musicians are only now slowly coming together to say "this Iraq thing... maybe it's not going quite as well as it could be, yeah?" Leading off with a big anti-war protest in New York are http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060223/music_nm/antiwar_dc">Michael Stipe, Bright Eyes, Rufus Wainwright, Public Enemy's Chuck D, Devendra Banhart and Peaches.

A pretty impressive line-up, although for some reason they elected Casey Spooner spokesperson:

"It is impossible not to react to the current state of affairs through personal action and artistic production," Fischerspooner's Casey Spooner says. "We have been at war for three years. One desperately feels the need for someone to speak some sort of truth, either poetic or factual."

We're not entirely sure what a poetic truth that isn't actually factual would look like, but we're sure that the White House will be preparing a whole bunch of them right now.

music fischerspooner michael stipe rem

MORRISSEY: HIS THREAT IS ELEVATED

The degree to which the FBI couldn't tell a terrorist from a turtle is amply demonstrated by the discovery that they think Morrissey is a threat of some sort:

The FBI and the Special Branch have investigated me and I've been interviewed and taped and so forth.

"They were trying to determine if I was a threat to the government, and similarly in England. But it didn't take them very long to realise that I'm not.

"I don't belong to any political groups, I don't really say anything unless I'm asked directly and I don't even demonstrate in public.

"I always assume that so-called authoritarian figures just assume that pop/rock music is slightly insane and an untouchable platform for the working classes to stand up and say something noticeable.

"My view is that neither England or America are democratic societies. You can't really speak your mind and if you do you're investigated."

Perhaps the saddest thing there is that Morrissey realises he isn't a threat to anyone any more. And to think Tory MPs once called for his head.

music morrissey

LILIPUT BIGGER THAN HUMMER

Having seen a week in which The Leveller pledged to build only as many penthouse flats as strictly neccesary, it's nice to be able to report that some people still have some principles.

Hummer - the people who make the vehicles which destroy the environment so badly you can hear the planet cry every time someone starts one of their engines - wants some music to use in their adverts. People keep saying no.

"We thought about it for about 15 seconds, maybe," lead singer of The Themals Hutch Harris said.

They said no.

Washington D.C.'s Trans Am were offered $180,000 by Hummer for the song "Total Information Awareness."

"We figured it was almost like giving music to the Army, or Exxon," guitarist Philip Manley said.

They said no.

The post-punk band LiLiPUT, who broke up more than 20 years ago, could have pocketed $50,000 for "Heidi's Head" after making close to nothing during their five-year existence. But they, too, said no.

"At least I can sleep without nightmares," Marlene Marder reasoned.

What's hilarious is the reaction of the people charged with trying to advertise Hummer seem genuinely surprised that people don't want to take their money. Lyle Hunsen of Bank Robber Music is trying to find the songs to go on the advert, and he's keen to stress that when the Hummer people aren't trying to burn through the remaining oil of the world up, they really love music:

"I will say about the Hummer guys, they are some of the most intense music listening guys out there," Hysen said. "They are on my A-list. They find music on their own, go to shows, they aren't waiting for a major label to call them."

"My standard line is you guys will play a hundred million gigs before you see this amount of money," Hysen said. "Usually they come back with, 'We'll do anything BUT Hummer.'"

Perhaps they should call Chumbawamba - after all, they've been comfortable taking money from Hummer's General Motors parent in the past.

Failing that, it'll probably be worth trying Moby or Sting.

[Thanks to Nigel R for the link]

music hummer liliput adverts trans am

NICK CAVE BEATEN BY JESUS, WHIPPED BY GIBSON

Poor old Nick Cave - there he was, happy that he made a film full of a horrific ending, when he sat down to watch The Passion of the Christ. And he realised that Mel Gibson had bested him:

Well, a head explodes, and if you shoot somebody in the head then maybe that's what happens. I wrote the whipping scene before The Passion, and when I saw it, I said, ' Oh fuck, you can't whip anyone more than they whip Christ in The Passion.' So we had to think of a different way."

He also had to remove all the bits of the script he'd written in aramaic as well.

music nick cave jesus mel gibson

SHADY LADY

Hide your eyes, quick. Victoria Beckham is lending her name to some sort of terrible sunglasses brand linked to her range of "have you ever seen anyone wearing them? No, us neither" VB Jeans.

It seems Beckham is worried that people copy sunglasses she wears in public, so she might as well make some money off them. Presumably in the same way that when women saw her walking down the street with David Beckham loads of them went out to get him, too.

Obviously, with sunglasses so important in protecting the vision from the glare of the sun, we'll all feel better knowing that Victoria has checked they're safe.

music victoria beckham

FUNERAL RE-ARRANGED

Now that Matt Davies has got over his throat problems, Funeral For A Friend have re-organised their tour:

Exeter University (May 15)
London Shepherds Bush Empire (16)
Bristol Carling Academy (24)
Liverpool University (25)
Southampton Guildhall (27)
Reading Hexagon (29)
Edinburgh Corn Exchange (31)
Newcastle Carling Academy (June 1)
Birmingham Academy (2)
Manchester Academy (3)
London Hammersmith Palais (4)

music funeral for a friend

INDIE CLUB NIGHT AHOY

Probably only of interest to those of you in or near London, but there's a free indie club opening on the first of March, promising c-86, Grebo, shoegazing and shambling thrills. (What no Camden Lurch? For shame.)

music

NO-ONE IN EITHER OF THE DAKOTAS WANTS GAY BRACES

An excellent observation comes to us from D'arcy's Carrot, who has spotted a curious difference between the British and American versions of KT Tunstall's album covers:

This is the British one we all know and can't avoid in Tesco:



This is the American version:



We're sure they didn't just want to avoid the "are those gay braces" problem... did they?

music kt tunstall

WELL, SHE'S HAD EVERYONE ELSE

Most people muttering they fancied someone in a magazine interview would be just so much column filler. When it's Sadie Frost foaming over the Gallagher brothers, she's probably already booked a room.

sadie frost music noel gallagher liam gallagher oasis

YOU'D STILL BE DATING OUT YOUR LEAGUE

Of course, he was only joking, but the image will be one you find hard to shift as Jay Kay hopes for sex with Lester Piggott:

And referring to gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain Jay, 36, joked: "Perhaps I could use some of that to promote my album - me having fun with Lester Piggott?"

The big question here - besides "you've already put some thought into this, haven't you?" - is if Jay knows the difference between jockeys and cowboys, or if he's disappointed by the Grand National every year because you never see the Injuns who are chasing them.

music jay+kay lester piggott

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT A MAIN COURSE

The convicted cannibal-murderer Armin Meiwes apparently wants to eat Robbie Williams. Or Liam Gallagher. Unfortunately, the news report is way to brief as it finds no space to explain how on earth you'd find a recipe that'd make either of those two palatable.

music

PEEL TAKES ON POTTER - AND OSBOURNE

In one of the most curious book prize shorlists ever, the WH Smith Book prize is pitching John Peel's posthumous memoir against Harry Potter, Jamie Oliver, Jeremy Clarkson... and Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne.

The short list in full:

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - JK Rowling
The Insider - Piers Morgan
Jamie's Italy - Jamie Oliver
Margrave of the Marshes - John Peel and Sheila Ravenscroft
Sharon Osbourne - Extreme: My Autobiography
The World According to Clarkson - Jeremy Clarkson

Peel is also nominated in the autobiography section, where he'll again take on Osborune, along with Gloria Hunniford's Close To You and Alexander Master's Stuart: A Life Backwards.

music john peel sharon osbourne

IF YOU CAN FIT IT IN, BEYONCE

A new album from Beyonce in summer? That would be wonderful. Unless, you know, she was doing it in the gaps between making the sort of terrible movie she's fast getting known for.

Oh. She's planning to record the tracks in the small window between completing the movie Dreamgirls and starting to promote it. For some acts, six weeks would be a luxury of time, but... we don't bet Beyonce is making a punk album, is she?

music beyonce dreamgirls

DAVIES KEEPS HIS BRIDGES SAFE

As Ray Davies launches his solo collection Other People's Lives, he's making sure that he's not slamming the door on his past. He's hinting that he'd be more than happy to make some more Kinks records:

"It's finding a voice after spending most of my life in a band called The Kinks, a wonderful band, I love all the work I've done with them, I hope to do more one day, who knows. I'm not sure, but I did have to find a voice because of being part of that machinery, the technology, the sound, I was part of the sound."

music ray davies the kinks

MORRISSEY: EEEH, I WERE THAT FED UP

Apparently, Morrissey was a bit fed up during the Smiths days:

“I find it shocking to look back at the period of The Smiths and to reflect upon the magnitude of doom that surrounded me every single day. I have no idea how I made it through my 20s. Grit?"

Possibly. Possibly all that adulation?

“It was impossible for me to agree to any aspect of life or to compromise with it. I think I doomed myself. The terms of my connections with other people were dreadful, and I couldn't ever manage to feel responsible for my own life.”

Of course, he did manage to sort out the contracts so they were skewed in his favour, so it's not like he was totally unable to cope.

“When Johnny ended The Smiths I was forced to go solo, and I found myself going further with all my experiences of life, and, although Johnny didn't intend it to, it helped me.”

Sadly, his cheering up started off a period of something of a creative drought. We probably should throw buckets of water at him to keep him sharp.

music morrissey the smiths

A POUND OF THE GARCIA, PLEASE

Yesterday, we had The Levellers building penthouses in Brighton. Today, the king of the hippies, Jerry Garcia has been sold as a brandname by his estate. For "Artisan Teas", if you please - i.e. over-priced teas.

There doesn't seem to be any word in the press release about the teas being in any way organic or fair trade, so we'll assume they're not.

Of course, we doubt that Garcia will be spinning too much in his grave at this one. He was never one to turn down a few dollars.

music jerry garcia

KID ROCK: IT'S ME, BUT DON'T LOOK

In some of sort of bid to salvage what passes for his privacy, Kid Rock has got a injunction barring Red Light, the Paris Hilton sex tape people, from distributing the video of him and Scott Stapp having sex on a tour bus.

Not with each other.

"We don't deny the authenticity of the tape," Kid Rock's lawyer, William Horton, told the Detroit Free Press. "But they're using this without his permission to drive the sales of their other products."

God alone knows what sort of "other products" could effectively use Stapp's pudgy pumping ass as a loss leader.

music scott stapp kid rock

TEST ICICLES SLOW MELT

The Test Icicles are sort-of splitting, but as you might expect from their general attitude, it's a half-assed sort of split:

The band have just come off a European tour and are exhausted from the constant pressures of touring, subsequently they have cancelled their show at the NME Awards and US tour."
The band will play their UK tour in April. Details of a final single to be taken from the album to announced. There are currently no plans to make another album or tour beyond this.

That's not really a split, is it? There should be some passion of some sort, a clean break. Perhaps a little blood.

music test icicles

KILLERS FACING COURT

The former manager of The Killers - Braden Merrick - has decided that the time is right for an angry fist and an "I made you": he wants the band to accept they broke a contract with him and that he deserves $16million in return.

Sixteen million bucks? How much money does he think they've made off their sales to date? If he thinks that's a fair cut, then his knowledge of the music industry must be so poor he should be reinstated at once, purely so he can be sacked again.

music the killers

LOHAN WANTS SOME RESPECT

Don't, whatever you do, under any circumstances, call Lindsay Lohan a 'teen queen'.

Presumably, she feels that the whole thing diminishes her, uh, many talents (is having a car-crash father and many car crashes actually talent?). However, as she's 19 and in no sense either metaphorical or literal a queen, she should just hang on a few months and the name will expire.

music lindsay lohan

JACKO ANIMALS LEAVE TWO-BY-TWO

With Michael Jackson facing growing cash problems, and unsettled bills with his vet (not to mention problems with gas and electricity and unpaid staff) the animals from Neverland's "zoo" are starting to be removed. The llamas, camels and some others have left; left behind are tigers and elephants but we're prepared to bet they're just negotiating an exit strategy.

Meanwhile, it seems that the plans for Citigroup to take on Jacko's debt have started to fall to pieces...

music michael jackson