Go tell yer Grammy

It's the 319th most wonderful day of the year, when they announce the Grammy nominations - usually slightly more interesting than the actual prize giving itself. So, what's going in to the bag this year?

Record of the Year
Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles; Without Me - Eminem; Don't Know Why - Norah Jones; Dilema - Nelly and Kelly; How You Remind Me - Nickelback
Well, that makes the nme greatest records of the year list look a lot more attractive, doesn't it? Even Eminem's call is for a single that was little more than a Slimfast Shady track, so let's hope Nelly and Kelly can rally enough votes to save us from the politeness of Carlton or Nickelback

Album of the Year
Eminem - The Eminem Show; Dixie Chicks - Home; Norah Jones - Come Away With Me; Nelly - Nellyville; Bruce Springsteen - The Rising
Bruce's nomination, of course, is little more than a nod that he's been able to watch CNN for long enough to come up with a couple of lyrics that mention world affairs without rocking the boat (Steve Earle is bounced off out of sight to Best Folk Album for his genuinely brave Jerusalem). And we know they're a proper band, but we can't help but get the Dixie Chicks and The Tweenies confused. A whole albumsworth of Nellie is like feasting on Chocolate Oranges, so we'll plump for the Eminem Show here. Marshall is a popular boy, isn't he? The rewards for fighting on behalf of your paymasters, against your fans, are golden indeed, aren't they? Doubtless if he'd actually punched a music file sharer, he'd have a statue being raised in his honour.

Song of the Year
Avril Lavigne - Complicated; Dont Know Why - Norah Jones; Where Were You - Alan Jackson; The Rising - Bruce; A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton
Complicated seriously being considered as The Very Best Song from 2002? A slowed-down Sum 41 track? Obviously, stood next to A Thousand Miles (or "Look, ma, I'm playing the piano") it stands out like a beaming jewel, but... seriously? Probably give it to Bruce.

Best New Artist
Avril Lavigne; Norah Jones; Michelle Branch; Ashanti; John Mayer
Out this bunch, the only ones who looks likely to still be around for the 2004 nominations are Ashanti, and that's going to take a lot of skill in her management; and Norah Jones. So this one should be Norah's, then. But we're giving it grudgingly.

Best Female Pop Performance
Soak Up The Sun - Sheryl Crowe; Don't Know Why - Norah Jones; Complicated - Avril Lavigne; Get The Party Started - Pink; Overprotected - Britney
At last, a category with some songs that actually are worth playing in it. It's interesting Norah and Avril keep getting nominated for the same track, which suggests that far from being Classic Artists they're one trick ponies. And while Sheryl's track sounds glorious in the context of a sunny afternoon blaring radio, it's clearly a battle between Pink and Brit. And it's got to go to Pink, if only cause her acceptance speech will be more fun.

Best Male Pop Performance
7 days - Craig David; Original Sin - Elton John; Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer; Fragile - Sting; October Road - James Taylor
The average age of the contestants in this scrum is, scarily, 74. Since it's clearly a pisstake, you're going to have to want Craig David to win it. But - Craig David "pop"? They really were confused by his white mate, weren't they?

Best Group Pop Performance
Everyday - Bon Jovi; Girl All The Bad Boys Want - Bowling For Soup; Where Are You Going? - Dave Matthews Band; Hey Baby - No Doubt; Girlfriend - N*SYNC
Hey baby wasn't even the best pop performance by No Doubt last year - what no vote for Hella Good? - but (with the notable exception of Girl all the bad boys want, which hit "okay" on our popometer) it's the closest thing to a prizewinner in this shambling bunch.

Best Pop Vocal Album
Come Away With Me - Norah Jones; Let Go - Avril Lavigne; Rock Steady - No Doubt; Missundaztood - Pink; Britney - britney
No contest here; even with Britney in the mix it's a bunch of scampi versus the Pop Lobster of Pink. If she doesn't win this category, then the whole of the Grammys; indeed, the whole of the American prize giving culture, shall be exposed as a hollow sham

Best Dance Recording
(For some reason, while pop is split into about seventy nine subcategories according to length, gender, "traditionality" and percentage of vocal tracks, dance just gets stuck into one big bag)
Gotta get through this - Daniel Bedingfield; Days Go By - Dirty Vegas; Superstylin' - Groove Armada; Love at first sight - kylie; Hella good - no doubt
Okay, can anyone explain why Hella Good is dance while Hey baby is pop? No? Okay. Little Danny Bedingfield surely can't believe his luck, getting nominated for a grammy with a track that suggests a man sitting on a park bench for an afternoon so laxly was the thing put together. We're imagining this category will be used to send a message to Kylie that, yes, the American Gay People hear her, and accept her gifts.

There are about seventy thousand other categories - for the people who'll all be given a certificate after they've folded and stacked their chairs in the Napoleon Suite, click here.