We hope this project runs into the sand as quickly as it should

In an apparent attempt to trounce that movie Joey went to make in Las Vegas, Britney is lined up to play Sherlock Holmes in a film.

The plot - and you might want to weigh it down at each corner with a large stone - revolves around Britney living at 221b Baker Street (which might delight the staff of the Abbey National, who actually live there). To fill in time, she starts to answer letters that come there addressed to Holmes.

As a result, she finds herself trying to solve the kidnap of the President's son.

Jesus, we have precious little faith in the FBI, but surely even their general level of cluelessness wouldn't persuade them to try and enlist a fictional detective to solve such a high profile crime? No wonder they've not been able to work out who killed Jon Bennett Ramsey - doubtless they're waiting to see what Lt Columbo responds with.