THE SOUND OF DEAD HORSES BEING FLOGGED

Good grief - Madonna's acting is now so rotten that even when Guy Ritchie's in charge of the movie, her efforts end up being melted down and ploughed into the ground. If even Guy thinks she's so poor that he's prepared to risk sleeping on the sofa, where will she ever find a producer insane enough to let her have her way on a filmset again? In the mirror, that's where - she's planning to turn producer.

Her first big idea is a backstage movie following Madonna around the world on a tour - yes, the idea does sound familiar; that was the idea behind the rubbishy Truth or Dare ("look, here's Warren Beatty again... my big friend has apparently been date raped but, nevermind, look, it's ME!"... and here's Warren beatty again..."), but at that point at least there was a degree of interest in Madonna behind the scenes. Now it's going to be Kabollocks and no close-ups on the hands, the prospect of spending ninety minutes watching carefully chosen image bolstering is even grimmer.

Apparently, the idea is to get this movie shown at Cannes, which will give her an in to line-up directors for her next big idea. Material Girls, which is a film that seems to exist purely because it's one of her song titles. The plot is about a pair of cosmetic company heiresses who lose their family fortune." In other words, Madonna's two big ideas are remaking the last movie she appeared in that anyone paid to see, and half an idea stolen from The Simple Life.

Meanwhile: Apparently she's still too busy with all this to issue a response to the bloke from the Kabballah Centre's claims that the Jews who died in the holocaust had brought it on themselves. Her phone must never stop ringing.

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