YOU CAN'T BUY PUBLICITY LIKE THIS, CAN YOU?

Ah, what is more traditional on a Sunday morning than a celebrity sex story? Emma Davis, who once had sex with Pop Mastermind Lee Ryan, has popped up to tell a tale of - naturally - rampant sex so flattering to Ryan that we can only presume the News of the World and Ryan shared the costs of underwriting this kiss and tell:

"Lee blew me away sexually. It wasn't a case of One Love, more like Eight Love because we were at it time and time again all over his flat."

Do you see what she did there? One Love - Eight Love.

"Lee's flat has no curtains and the block next door was being built, so workmen could see right into all the rooms.

"We were having sex on his sofa and we knew they could probably see everything."

Shocking, eh? A good income from dancing and opening and closing his mouth, and he apparently couldn't afford curtains. We do feel sorry for the workmen, though, quietly trying to mind their own business and having to watch Ryan's scrawny ass pumping up and down. Now, of course, they're going to have to relive the horror as Emma tells all to the NOTW:

"The minute the front door was closed we were in the bedroom making love like wild animals."

Interesting that she doesn't specify which sort of wild animal - we're going for pandas. In other words: very little effort or interest, but the fact it was happening at all was probably something of a surprise.

"Afterwards we wandered naked into his kitchen to eat something, but dived on the sofa for more sex instead."

He's got a sofa in his kitchen?

The pair then curled up to watch a movie, but before the credits even started to roll they were at it again.

"We made love four times during the movie," said Emma. "I don't remember the storyline!"

We're guessing that here, she was just shagging him in order to avoid having to explain the plot to Ryan. Especially if it was the one where Henry was angry with Thomas and the Fat Controller.

Surely, though, they must have done their work establishing Ryan as some sort of love-crazy sexmachine, though? No, it seems: Ryan's PR wanted more, harder, again:

Things started to hot up yet again when Lee walked naked into the kitchen to make a chicken tikka.

Don't let the image form in your mind.

"He was standing by the stove and I couldn't resist his pert bum, so I walked up behind him and began kissing his body. Lee directed me back towards the sofa where we started again."

We did wonder about how he was going to set about making a curry naked, but we're talking two forkholes in the plastic film, aren't we? And did you spot how masterful Lee was there, directing things? He's a man, and a man in command.

"I don't care what people say. Lee's well endowed and knows what he's doing in bed. I was satisfied every time we made love."

Of course, this last line sort of unpicks all the good (such as it was) that the whole article has been working on - "I don't care what people say", then? Why? What are people saying? It implies the consensus is that Lee has a tiny, tiny little man and, if asked to find a lover's clitoris would ask if that was made by Honda or Renault. All that effort trying to build up Ryan as a tough loving man, and at the last gasp, we're left wondering just how many people he's left unimpressed.

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