CRAIG DAVID: STATESMAN

We're delighted that Craig David is starting to be taken seriously again after his miserable time as whipping boy of Bo Selecta (imagine how you'd feel being so crap they could take the piss out of you), although we're wondering if it's going to his head a little. We can't help snickering when we see the ads for his new album on the TV making much out of the review claim that he's taking George Michael's crown - although, in terms of the gulf between actual sales and self-image, he really is the new Michael, we guess. And now he's been invited to represent most of the rest of the world at a concert in memory of those who died in the Sharm al-Sheikh bombings.

You might think that such a sensitive event would call for a spot of decorum and setting your ego to one side, wouldn't you?

A spokesman for David said: "Craig was personally invited by the Egyptian president, Hosni Mubarak, as both a representative of global popular music and as an inspirational figurehead."

Thank god Dave's spokeperson decided to not mention the bit about being God's representative on Earth, otherwise people might think he was getting a wee bit bigheaded.

"The show has an unbelievable global significance," said David.

Yes. We can't even begin to understand its global significance using our usual minds; in fact, it's so globaly significant we've had to hook up a bunch of computers, SETI at home style, to process its importance. It's still too early to bring you definitive results, but we're starting to see the phrase "if it was that fucking significant, Mccartney would be forcing his way onto the bill" appearing in the patterns.

music sharm al-sheik craig david