YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE TOP SHELF, SON

We were prepared to dismiss out of hand Chris Martin's claims that the new X&Y has been influenced by porn. We bet that he even switches off the DVD when Gwyneth Paltrow's tits appear during Shakespeare In Love.

But then we thought about porn - a bunch of vaguely painted charcters working through a plot which seldom has any subtance; delivering words that have been knocked together three minutes before the microphone was switched on, going through a mechanical process without any real sense of passion or drama while a musical backing churns on apparently played by a machine; the same thing repeated over and over again until a disc is filled. It's then packaged with a cover which attempts to disguise the contents as something unpredictable, and bought by people who take it home in the hope it'll spark some romance in their lives only to discover that there's no money shot, leaving them feel cheated, disappointed, dirty and ashamed.

So, pretty much the same thing as a Coldplay album.

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