I'VE COME TO WISH YOU AN UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY

That's two weekends running now we've felt a pang of sympathy for Kelly Osbourne, and if it carries on we'll have to maroon ourselves on an island with no contact with humanity. But it seems she was less than thrilled when Sharon Osbourne turned her 21st birthday party into a promo for the X-Factor (which means, of course, for Sharon Osbourne):

"Kelly was heard complaining that her party was full of people she didn't know.

"She was yelling, 'Everyone wants a fucking piece of me'. The party was full of people from the X Factor and loads of others Kelly didn't know, and she was clearly annoyed. It was embarrassing because mum and daughter were yelling at each other. Kelly started crying and her make-up was all smeared. She looked like a panda."

We do find ourselves able to hold back a smidgen of sympathy, though, at the "everybody wants a piece of me" outburst - Kelly, love, the X-Factor contestants give the impression of not knowing where the sky is, never mind if they're at the birthday party of some girl who was on the telly a couple of years ago. They wanted a piece of the action; it wasn't you they were after.

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