MY VOICE IS MY FORTUNE, BUT I'VE MISLAID MY WALLET

Charlotte Church will be dead within a year, reckon top voice experts. Well, not quite, but we've had to ratchet up the hysteria a little to out-screech the Daily Star's belief that Chazza won't be able to sing by next Christmas as she's not looking after her voice properly:

One quack told the paper: "As a singer, your voice is your livelihood and you can't mess about with it. You have to treat it like a muscle - warm it up and warm it down. Charlotte doesn't do that. She arrives, has a ciggie, puts it out and goes straight on stage to start belting it out."

"Unless she looks after her voice, she's likely to damage it in less than a year." Fair enough, but how?

According to one specialist: "Your vocal cords vibrate and unless you get them properly ready, those vibrations eventually cause nodules to appear which can ruin your voice for ever."

Charlotte's best hope for the future, then, is a revival of Give Us A Clue, where she can mime away for all she's worth. That's unless she develops bird flu, which could potentially see her killing the entire population of Cardiff.

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