Wales versus the humanitarian crisis

Want to help the growing numbers of refugees, and - at the same time - grab some rare Welsh music?

Good news; you really can do both - lob a tenner in the hat, pick up (or rather download) the Welsh Rock For Refugees album, and do some good.

It's for download on Bandcamp, and it's a remarkable collection of Welsh musicians - Mike Peters via Charlotte Church to the Joy Formidable. If you can't find a couple of favourites on the collection, you SHOULD BUY IT ANYWAY OR JUST GIVE A TENNER. Because it's a good cause.

Charlotte Church: "Woman has accountant" shocker

Let's turn to Guido Fawkes. Guido persists in using his pseudonym as if we don't know he's Paul Staines, like a crap unmasked superhero still booking hotel rooms as "QTipMan" even although the receptionists always reply "okay, Mr. Staines, that's booked for you now." And he's managed to parlay his blog into a column in the News Of The World - the paper which still uses the pseudonym The Sun On Sunday. It's from this let's pretend world that he's tried to attack Charlotte Church following her appearance at the anti-austerity march yesterday.

Staines lives up to his chosen pseudonym, of course. Much as Fawkes was a dupe who got to do the dirty work of richer, more powerful types and ended up looking like a nasty piece of work, so too Staines trots out an attack line to try and deflect criticism of the government.

His problem with Church? Why, she calls for closing of tax loopholes, and yet... sorry, what was the pisspoor attack line again?

After joining the People’s Assembly against Austerity – whose aims include ‘increasing taxes on the super-rich’ and ‘closing tax loopholes’ – perhaps the Cardiff crooner turned campaigner should look at her own economy.

Church is the director of five companies that are all registered to the London address of Thomas Harris Accountants.

“Lowering and deferring tax is, of course, a key aim” boasts the firm’s website, by “taking advantage of allowances and reliefs of which many people are unaware.”

I don't think that there's a single major accountant which doesn't offer to minimise tax for its clients, and I don't think there's anyone who has a company that doesn't require some sort of accountancy service. So, really, this is on a par with going "well, David Attenborough calls for a reduction in fossil fuel use, but he has a car which uses petrol."

If Forkstaines has something solid - Church deliberately booking gigs in Bratislava for tax write-offs; a massive scheme to use foxes to channel cash through Nutwood; something like that - maybe there's a story there. But going 'oh, she wants tax loopholes closed and yet she has someone do her taxes for her who knows tax law' is weak, even from someone who clings to an outdated pseudonym.

Charlotte Church gently pats critics on the head

Whenever a well-off person says they'd rather pay more tax and see better public services, there's an immediate clamour of "why don't you just write a cheque to HMRC, then?"

It happened when Charlotte Church made a call for a more redistributive tax system. But Church is smarter than those who would honk at her. She sighed, and took to Twitter to roll her eyes at them:

I'm disappointed at the vitriol directed my way, if I gave 70% of my earnings to HMRC voluntarily, not only would it not last long as our public services cost 100s of billions to fund but I doubt it would encourage the richest in this country to get a conscience and follow suit. I have no ulterior motives. The injustice and inequality in society that is pushed further by this government makes me as angry as the hulk!

You'd have to be something of an idiot to think you could patronise Charlotte Church.

Could someone please tell Charlotte Church that punitive tax rates fail to raise extra revenues, but damage investment and employment?

— Roger Helmer (@RogerHelmerMEP) June 5, 2015

I think that proves my point.

Life with Cameron: Charlotte Church is our new vanguard

Charlotte Church was out on the protests against the new Tory government on Saturday. The Tories, of course, were unimpressed:

But in response to Ms Church and the protesters, the Welsh Conservatives' leader [Andrew RT Davies] said: "It's champagne socialists standing shoulder-to-shoulder.

"At the end of the day, to denigrate the electorate, who has just spoken, within 48 hours of the election, is slightly unfortunate and unbecoming."

Champagne socialists. Is that the best you can, Mr Davies?

You and your party suggest that we should ensure that "hard working people" have their rights protected; that they have their choices respected.

And yet as soon as someone who has a few bob in their pocket says anything that suggests caring about others might be the right thing to do, suddenly we discover that this makes them "champagne socialists" and their right to comment has, magically, become nullified.

(It's unclear where the point comes that you stop being a champagne socialist and cross into the jealous underclass - perhaps somewhere around the living wage?)

Obviously, it's a cliche. But worse than a cliche, it's not even like champagne is that much of a luxury product anyway. And worse than being a tatty cliche, it's not even right. Because Church is actually marching in the streets with a placard, which isn't what a champagne socialist is supposed to behave.

Davies also seems to have missed the point that the Tories only won the support of 27% of the voters who turned out in Wales - it came second, and yet Wales now has a Tory government. To suggest that objecting to the runners-up sitting taking pole position is denigrating the electorate is a little odd.

But then if we thought the Tories understood humility, perhaps we wouldn't all be so bloody terrified about what's going to come next.

Charlotte Church wishes she'd pulled her butt out

Following Charlotte Church's John Peel lecture, pointing out the way women are mostly treated by much of the music industry, there's been an attempt at pulling together a backlash based on her having done stage shows in latex and been part of the Rear Of The Year contest.

(That this is precisely Church's point, that young women are encouraged to do this sort of thing by the people who are paid to advise them, seems to have floated over some heads.)

So Church finds herself having to defend herself for things she did when she was 16, an age when most of us are still trying to figure out how to get access to cheap cider:

. However, Church now acknowledges her comments betray her "double standards" as she posed for Britain's Rear of the Year contest in 2002, but she still blames her advisers for not telling her to pull out of the competition.

Church tells British newspaper The Times, "It was sort of double standards in a certain way, because I did Rear of the Year when I was 16, which was a ridiculous choice, a stupid thing to do but, you know, there was a whole host of people that I was working with who should have said, 'Woah, woah, woah. You shouldn't do this. This is bad. You're 16, for f**k's sake.'"

It's interesting that this gloss, from WENN, decides to focus on Charlotte's reference to double standards rather than the more crucial bit about grown men telling a sixteen year old to stick her arse out for the cameras.

Twittergem: Charlotte Church

From Charlotte Church last night, following the news of the death of Nelson Mandela, came a perfect retweet followed by a perfect tweet:

Pygmies of the left so predictably embarrassing yourselves, know this: not a one of your leaders will ever be globally mourned like her.

— Louise Mensch (@LouiseMensch) April 8, 2013

How wrong Louise Mensch was.

— Charlotte Church (@charlottechurch) December 5, 2013

Church drops self

Given that Charlotte Church's massive deal with Power Amp was supposed to put her in control of her own record-making, presumably now she's dumped the contract she's become the first person ever to drop themselves from their own label?

Despite having been trailed as a deal which would mean Church be free of interference from the money men, the sticking point appears to have been interference from the money men.

GCSEs in Charlotte Church

When I saw this headline in the Telegraph:

GCSE pupils to study words of Charlotte Church

I assumed they were talking about lyrics, and was coming up with a post that was going to suggest there'd be a comprehension question about what she meant by telling a Dorothy on Over The Rainbow that she was "a lovely girl with a lot of talent".

But then I opened the story, and apparently students are going to have questions set from her Channel Four comedy programme. Which was a better joke.

The idea is that "the kids" will be able to relate to this more easily than, ooh, something difficult - but surely no teenager would have ever seen Church's Channel Four show? Or, indeed, if anyone did?

Gordon in the morning: making something out of nothing

It's a bit of a thin day at Bizarre, with Gordon reduced to trying to create a story out of nothing:

LEONA LEWIS'S boyfriend has been noticeable by his absence from her live shows.

Has he? I don't think anyone noticed.

Her bloke LOU AL-CHAMAA was not there for the opening night of her Labyrinth Tour in Sheffield. Or the second night in Liverpool. Or Nottingham on Wednesday.

Man doesn't hang around while partner works out of town. Colour me shocked. Gordon doesn't mention if, when he went to see Leona in Liverpool, he dragged his wife to stand by him and watch him scribbling in his notebook. There's no mention of Mrs Smart in the review. I would have thought that completely normal, but now I'm not so sure it isn't a sign of something.

Perhaps Gordon is just worried about Lewis not getting the support she needs. After all, the headline makes it obvious she's struggling along on her own:

Loner Lewis

Who can not fail to feel sorry for her, abandoned to entertain-sort-of hundreds of people in the north, all on her own, eh, Gordon?

[S]he has got her mum MARIA and dad AURAL on the road with her, as well as her manager and the rest of her entourage.

The singer's mum has taken up a full-time job as Leona's personal assistant on the tour.

Poor Leona. For a loner, she must find it bloody hard to get any time to herself.

In other non-news, Charlotte Church has gone on holiday. Or, as Gordon would have it:

Love split Charl on secret hol

A secret holiday? What does that actually mean? Do you mean she's sitting in a hotel now, eating breakfast in a suit, pretending she's actually on a business trip?

Charlotte, 24, jetted off with the couple's two children after telling friends she just wanted to "get away from it all."

It's one of those secret trips where you tell everyone you're going on holiday, then. So why do you insist it's secret?

The Over The Rainbow judge flew out of Cardiff to a mystery European destination saying she did not even know when she would be back.

Ah "secret" in the sense of "I do not know where it is".

Let's hope Gordon doesn't carry a grudge. You'll recall that he was very upset when Diana Vickers ignored one of his team. However could Diana win him back over?

DIANA VICKERS has taken Bizarre behind-the-scenes of her video shoot for new single The Boy Who Murdered Love.

The promo sees the X Factor star sexing up her image as she sprawls on a bed in a little white dress.

Yes, That would do it.

Feel free to delete that little bit of respect you found for Vickers, standing up to the Sun for a little while.

Gordon in the morning: Silence in Church

For no apparent reason, Gordon decides to kick Charlotte Church around a bit this morning:

It will be a while before we hear an album from her as she is looking for a new record deal. But I hear she has been writing songs in LA and is touting them around.

Meanwhile, Channel 4 have shelved The Charlotte Church Show. It was last aired in 2008.

None of these three things really seem to be 'news' as such. Gordon only seems to be bringing them up now so he can share some his of his acute, insider's eye to explain this situation:

I reckon the problem can be summed up in two words... KATHERINE JENKINS, her sexy Welsh chart rival.

Yes. Yes, that would be it - you can picture the scene at Horseferry Road:

- Shall we recommission the Charlotte Church show?
- No, we'd better not, as there's another welsh female singer in existence

Elsewhere, Gordon reveals that Journey refused to let Simon Cowell give Don't Stop Believin' to whoever was going to win last year's X Factor.

(Pop quiz, hotshots - can you remember the name of the 2009 X Factor winner? That's showbusiness.)

Gordon sees this as the fatal flaw that cost Joe his number one:

The Geordie lad performed the 1981 ballad twice on The X Factor. And I'm not alone in thinking it could have got him the Christmas No1 if he'd released it.

Although Gordon doesn't say who it is who makes him feel unalone in this strange belief.

Sunday People follow Church

In this photo Charlotte Church seems to have spotted the paparazzi, and taken steps to try and hide her child from them. (Almost as if she has no faith in the papers to stick to the Press Complaints Commission code.) And yet The People still run it.

So they have a photo of a woman clearly trying to stop a person photographing her daughter, and they run it, with a caption saying 'look, she's trying to stop people seeing her daughter'.

They must be very proud.

Gordon in the morning: Doctor Gordon is in

Gordon Smart had decided that it's been too long that Amy Winehouse has been in the hospital, and that we should have a diagnosis. So, he's given us one. Coughing up blood, weight loss, lack of appetite? It's TB, claims Gordon. Sorry, a pal.

Carol Cooper, the Sun doctor, is wheeled in to point out that addicts get TB, while Gordon gets cofused over if he's talking to a "pal" or a "source":

The source said:[...]"The word tuberculosis might frighten her into getting herself well. It certainly should do.

"She needs to realise she will die if she she doesn’t clean up her act."

Gordon's "source" perhaps not quite understanding the whole "being addicted to something" deal here, then.

Elsewhere, in what might be the most pointless thing Smart's ever run, there's a picture of newly-pregnant Charlotte Church in a petrol station, which seems to have been published purely for this line:

Now she has a new pump, er, bump.

He wrote that. With pens.

Although Gordon was fascinated by Will Smith's penis yesterday, he's handed David Beckham's cock over to "US editor" Emily Smith to deal with. Emily reports "there is a poster advertising pants with David Beckham in" under the bemusing headline:

Becks BIGGER than the Beatles

We know it's meant to be a reference to the supposed size of his knob, but why on earth would you need to mention the Beatles? It's not like the story underneath has any mention of the group; or that the advert is hanging near a picture of Lennon; or that it distracted people from a Ringo Starr book signing. It's like the paper was so keen to mention that David Beckham's cock looks big when he stuffs god-knows-what into his bathhouse knickers, they had no blood left in their head to write a headline that makes sense.

Gordon in the morning: Gordon is broken

Oops. Whoever's been supposed to take care of updating Gordon's page to seamlessly incorporate the Oscars news with Gordon's stuff didn't get the "seamless" part - it seems like The Sun has the same problems updating a website at three in the morning than the rest of us.

The rebuild of the page has also shuffled what the newspaper edition shows as the biggest story down the running order to be leapfrogged by, erm, Charlotte Church dyes hair and Gary Lineker is still going out with the same woman as six months ago. The sudden interest in Lineker's date is because someone's noticed that her surname - Bux - is the first syllable of Buxom, which means there's the option of breast jokes.

I say "jokes":

Danielle was the dish of the night in her low-cut number dress – and I’m sure the Match Of The Day host fancied the bangers.

It's more pointing and saying "breasts!" over and over.

And that main story? Noel Gallagher is leaving Ibiza "to escape James Blunt". It's an amusing angle, but selling a £5.5million house because of a vague chance of seeing James Blunt? Sounds more like a cover story to us.

Oasis are busily recording a new record, which is got Gordo all twitterpated:

I can’t wait to hear the lads’ new material. Apparently it’s a bit more psychedelic than previous offerings.

I’m told one of the tracks is an absolute epic, featuring a 50-voice choir. Sounds mega.

Yes, he did just say "sounds mega".

So keen is Gordon to snuggle up to Noel that he decides to stand behind as his hero kicks sand into Blunt's eyes going "you tell 'im, boss":

Of course, Noel will have to find somewhere new to relax and put his feet up after finishing the project.

Sunny Ibiza is now out of the question thanks to that Factor 50 idiot Blunt.

Perhaps whoever did the Oscars story rebuild was trying to save Gordon from himself by burying this.

Pete Doherty and pals

That's the way to work your rehab pledge: Pete Doherty's had Amy Winehouse and Blake Cleaving-Desperate round to his place.

Meanwhile, Winehouse seems to be desperate to turn into a kind of John Gaunt figure in a beehive. Responding to a suggestion that she can't keep her mouth shut, like when she was a guest on Charlotte Church's programme:

“Why should I? If something troubles me, I speak my mind.

“That’s why they invite me.

“Church is an arrogant cow. And Bono isn’t much better. He thinks he’s God.”

Amy, love: they don't invite you to hear your forthright views - they invite you because they hope you'll turn up pissed, dance around in your knickers, and generate a lucrative clip that can be sold on alongside the Oliver Reed/After Dark and Tara Palmer Tomkinson/Frank Skinner bits.

New Church

Congratulations to Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson this morning, what has just had a little girl. A baby, like.

Questions that might answer themselves

The Daily Mail is fretting about Charlotte Church:

Why is Charlotte Church hiding away from the world?

Security cameras, 16ft fences, panic buttons - even her own private ambulance on permanent standby. As the big day approaches, just why is the normally extrovert Charlotte Church hiding away from the world?

That's what the paper asks before sharing with its readers a long, detailed listing of the recent troubles of the heavily-pregnant Church.

That might be the answer to the question right there, then.

Bizarre not that bothered

Back in February, John Coles, a helper on Victoria Newton's Bizarre column, had an article in The Sun which attempted to sneak an invasion of Charlotte Church's privacy. The paper had been told that Church was pregnant:

Mr Melton said that the newspaper had told Ms Church’s PR agent that it had received firm information that she was pregnant.

The paper was told in response that such information was private and would not be commented on. Ms Church’s representatives did however confirm that she was ‘not more than 12 weeks pregnant’ and said that if she was pregnant, no statement would be made until after the 12-week scan or when a doctor said it would be safe to tell family and friends.

Understandable. Not only is the first trimester full of risk you might not want to undergo in public, the Press Complaints Commission is very clear on this sort of thing:

The Commission has recently made clear that newspapers should not reveal the fact of someone’s pregnancy before the 12-week scan without consent and when the information is not known to any significant degree.

So, since they were refused permission to publish what they knew, Coles' name (and, interestingly, Newton's photo byline) went out on a story which reversed the usual Bizarre way of doing things - it reported facts, pretending they were speculation:

CHARLOTTE Church snubbed a boozy 21st bash for a quiet family party — sparking rumours she is pregnant.

The chat show star and singer has finally quit smoking and pals have noticed she has put on a bit of weight in recent weeks.

Church complained to the Press Complaints Commission, which asked The Sun to provide evidence of these 'rumours'. The paper was unable to, and the PCC upheld the complaint. The paper prints the adjudication this morning but - in what we're sure is an oversight and in no waya thumbing of its nose at the PCC - the original story is still online at the moment.

Charlotte Church takes it in the rear

Although the level of damage a Mini Cooper could do to a Mercedes rear-ending it is debatable, what with Charlotte Church being pregnant and all the small car bump she was involved in at the weekend must have been a worry.

A witness stated the bloody obvious:

"Gavin [Henson] looked like he was really concerned about Charlotte."

Or possibly the Mercedes' rear bumper.

Scooch abandon last of their dignity

They didn't have much dignity to dump, but in response to Charlotte Church's attack on them, Scooch has hit back:

Scooch have responded by doing a bit of lambasting of their own.

"It is natural that not everybody is going to like our song. For some reason good fun pop music offends some people. But there is a polite way to express your opinion, something that Charlotte wasn't able to do," band member Caroline Barnes said.

Meanwhile David Ducasse described Church's "outburst" as "cheap" and "attention-seeking" while Russ Spencer delivered the following damning verdict: "What a pity that 'the voice of an angel' has acquired the mouth of a sewer".

There were two other voices attacking Charlotte Church which appeared to come from off in the background somewhere.

Church tells Scooch to shoo

Charlotte Church should know toe-curling embarrassment when she sees it (watching the playback on her chat show should give her enough pointers) so when she says Scooch are bad, we should all sit up and listen:

[Charlotte] said their performance on BBC's Making Your Mind Up "made every pore in my body itch with embarrassment".

On her website, 21, pregnant Charlotte, said the show was "a load of absolute shit" and Cyndi should have gone through to Helsinki.

Well, you can't say fairer than that, can you?