Gordon in the morning: Doctor Gordon is in

Gordon Smart had decided that it's been too long that Amy Winehouse has been in the hospital, and that we should have a diagnosis. So, he's given us one. Coughing up blood, weight loss, lack of appetite? It's TB, claims Gordon. Sorry, a pal.

Carol Cooper, the Sun doctor, is wheeled in to point out that addicts get TB, while Gordon gets cofused over if he's talking to a "pal" or a "source":

The source said:[...]"The word tuberculosis might frighten her into getting herself well. It certainly should do.

"She needs to realise she will die if she she doesn’t clean up her act."

Gordon's "source" perhaps not quite understanding the whole "being addicted to something" deal here, then.

Elsewhere, in what might be the most pointless thing Smart's ever run, there's a picture of newly-pregnant Charlotte Church in a petrol station, which seems to have been published purely for this line:

Now she has a new pump, er, bump.

He wrote that. With pens.

Although Gordon was fascinated by Will Smith's penis yesterday, he's handed David Beckham's cock over to "US editor" Emily Smith to deal with. Emily reports "there is a poster advertising pants with David Beckham in" under the bemusing headline:

Becks BIGGER than the Beatles

We know it's meant to be a reference to the supposed size of his knob, but why on earth would you need to mention the Beatles? It's not like the story underneath has any mention of the group; or that the advert is hanging near a picture of Lennon; or that it distracted people from a Ringo Starr book signing. It's like the paper was so keen to mention that David Beckham's cock looks big when he stuffs god-knows-what into his bathhouse knickers, they had no blood left in their head to write a headline that makes sense.