NOEL FEARS THOUGHTS

Noel Gallagher is a tormented soul. He can't even work out what he's supposed to hate any more, simultaneously telling Q magazine that he hates KT Tunstall while thinking she's a sweet girl:

“I was in Q magazine a while ago slagging off KT Tunstall, and I was kind of shocked at that cos I’d only been speaking to her ten minutes before and I don’t really mind her music and she’s a really sweet girl.

“I really didn’t mean to lump her in with James Blunt, it’s just that she plays an acoustic guitar. I apologise for that cos I thought she was really cool but I was kinda horrified. I was like ‘Oh no, I didn’t say that?’ cos she was alright and she’s not as bad as James Blunt. He’s rubbish.”

Eh? But doesn't Noel sometimes play an acoustic guitar? And since when did Noel stop slagging off people because they were nice? And of all people to regret slagging: KT Tunstall?

Perhaps in the next issue of Q Noel will turn up saying he never meant to be beastly to James Blunt, he's a cracking lad, aye, sound. After all, those stuck firmly flogging middle-market sludge through the Tesco CD counter must stick together, right?

This change of heart came as Noel appeared on the all-new Scottish XFM. One thing he hasn't changed his mind on, though, is Block Party:

“Every time I read an interview by that shower,” Noel clarifies, “It’s like they’re talking about their favourite music, ‘Yeah, I heard a Bjork B-side that was interesting…’ People that analyse music? It’s either good or its bad. So it either makes sense to your brain or it doesn’t.

“There’s no such thing as interesting. I’ve never sat down and listened to a record and gone and analysed it that much that that I was ‘interested’. It’s like, put it on and within two minutes you’re going, ‘Its rubbish, turn it off, turn it off!’ or stick it on again.”

It doesn't really come as any surprise that Noel finds it impossible to relate to art in any way other than grunting and throwing poo or sitting on his hind haunches clapping his hands - let's face it, the guy is going to have trouble with anything that would force him to knit his brow to develop a thought; something like a book with words in, or the more tricky pictures on Richard and Judy's You Say, We Pay. But what a grey little world he lives in, where nothing can be worthwhile if it demands more than thumb gesture up and down.

You might also have read reports that Noel has withdrawn his wish that Alex James and Damon Albarn "catch AIDS and die". It's not actually that simple:

“It was kinda a bit of a stitch up by the journalist,” Noel explained, “I was in this dressing room after we played Irvine Beach in that Big Top, and we were all fucked taking drugs - she was taking drugs an all, and I won’t name her on the fucking radio because that’s probably not the best thing legally to do - but I kinda thought we were speaking off the record, but of course there was a tape recorder on.

So... it's not exactly that you were stitched up, is it; it's just that you were caught pumping out your half-chewed ideas. Saying things off the record doesn't actually mean you haven't said things, does it?

“But, there you go. I obviously don’t wish that… A bad cold I should have said. Flu maybe?”

Oh, hang on... we're going...

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