SPOOKY

Trouble upon trouble for SUV-driving environmentalist Chris Martin - now it turns out that his house is haunted. At least, Gwyneth complains that whenever he leaves the room, she hears this strange reedy little voice floating through the mansion and feels the house goes cold, and he doesn't have the heart to tell her that's just him singing to himself while he checks the fridge to see if there's any coldcuts left in there.

So, haunted the house is - apparently with "bad energy" (presumably that's the gas that was meant to be going to the Ukranians?) - and if you're a rich celebrity with a haunting, you have to have an exorcism.

Paltrow asked the most spiritual person she could think of what to do; unfortunately, that was Madonna. Madonna, naturally, suggested getting in the Kabbalah Centre. The Kabbalah Centre has had some success in a related field in the past, helping people cast out the money from their bank accounts, and so naturally they've been delighted to make up some semi-plausible sounding mystic bollocks to lift a few quid from the dumb millionaires ("been delighted to suggest a ceremonial remedy that might drive the spirit from the mansion").

Apparently, it's going to take ten guys blowing the horn from a ram and chanting some old songs to exorcise the ghost, which, by a strange coincidence, was one of the dance routines Madonna's lined up for her next tour.

Only Chris Martin could worry that he's got a bad spiritual presence in his house and invite a worse one in as recompense.

music chris martin madonna gwyneth paltrow kabbalah