JESSICA: CAN YOU PICK ONES TO MATCH YOUR SHOES?

We can picture the scene - Jessica Simpson telling her Daddy she wanted one of those things, you know, that Angelina Jolie's got.

Collagen lips?

No

A little credibility?

Brad Pitt?

Hmm... maybe, but no...

Ah... a picturesque adopted child

That's the thing.

Are you sure, Jessica? A constant, whining presence who's dependent on you and you alone for everything?

I was married to Nick Lachey, I'm Ashlee's sister. I've got the experience.

The statement from her spokesperson in a little odd, too:

Her publicist Rob Shuter said: "Nothing has been finalised yet; as to when and how Simpson will adopt."

But he added: "It is true that she's exploring options."

Mr Shuter said Jessica and her family have anonymously contributed funds to a smattering of Mexican orphanages for several years now.

A "smattering" of orphanages? Is that the correct collective noun? And did he really call Jessica "Simpson"?

All across America, across the world, orphans are praying to God to cancel their previous wishes to be adopted by a pretty, rich lady.

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