KELLY OSBOURNE STILL MOVING ON

We're not sure we can raise our head off the pillow to even feign interest in the great romance between Tom Meighan from Kasabian and Kelly Osbourne, the model for those bobble-head figures which were popular a dozen or so Christmases back. But we'll try:

"I'm not a homewrecker," she said.

"I've snogged him a couple of time but I've found out he's a bit of a twat. He's a rock star that forgets he's a human being.

"I've got a big crush on him but he's got a girlfriend.

"I don't care though. I treat men worse than they treat me!"

Yes, Kelly. So, since everyone - men and women - treat you with bored indiffernce, that would mean you have to treat men with agressive indifference. Which we suppose flattering Tom by calling him a rock star (surely you have to be instantly recognisable outside your fan base for that title?) is an attempt at.

More interestingly, Kelly paints a picture of life with the osbournes:

"I've lost two and a half stone. I haven't got a clue how it happened. I can't explain it - it just did.

"I think it's because I moved out of my parents house. Their chef used to cook loads of fattening foods."

But how did that work - for, as we know, Sharon did all the shopping, pushing a trolley round Asda to get the bargains. Did the chef provide Osbo with a list ("if you cannot get the three herb and russet cumberland ring, a packet of smart price chipolatas will do at a pinch"), or did he have to make his meals from whatever Sharon bought back ("so... that is three dozen bottles of Nytol and two trolley loads of your autobiography, and a couple of french sticks that were reduced to clear...")?

music kelly osbourne kasabian sharon osbourne