IN BED WITH JAMES BLUNT

Of course, this really comes under the "we've only got her word for it" heading, but "TV presenter" Emma Kearney claims she's been shagged by James Blunt:

"It felt great making love to a toff," she revealed. "James might talk with a plum in his mouth but he's as fruity as a barrow boy under the duvet. He couldn't keep his hands off me. He's an absolute wildman in bed. We were at it like rabbits."

It's a pity the hack who wrote her quotes for her lost interest in the fruit theme halfway through - surely Blunt should have gone bananas in bed?

Who's Emma? Well, even her online CV seems unaware she presents TV, but she has been a prostitute in both Brief Lives and Outlaws.

She's going to overload us with information, you know:

"It was when I slid up close and kissed him it all exploded.

Blimey - as qucikly as that? We've got an email here that's offering a pill to help solve that problem, James.

"Suddenly it was game on with this long, deep, passionate snog. We were both panting. And when James's wandering hands finally worked out that I had no knickers on he let out a long groan and just had to explore further!

So, actually, only one you was panting then?

"That's when I suggested we hit the sack. But when I revealed my pull-down bed in the wardrobe James couldn't stop giggling — he said he used to have one just like it at school."

But of course, at public school you don't get to share it with "midwife" from Coronation Street.

"James's lips were absolutely everywhere and as I looked down there were those big blue eyes of his gazing up at me. Wow! I couldn't help but return the favour and he loved every minute."

So... you gazed up at him, too? Is that what you mean?

"We went at it for almost an hour —every position you can think of. James loved me holding on to his hair as we got more excited. He sings such sad songs but in bed he was really lively. And what an imagination!

"As he hit the peak of his excitement James sang out my name ‘Emma! Emma!'"

We love the idea that if you sing sad songs you won't enjoy sex very much. But can she be sure that he was shouting "Emma" and not "Mama"? We know what these public school boys are like.

"Twice he did it—and so loud I was frightened he'd wake the neighbours.

"It was the most erotic serenade I've ever had! He really knows how to look after a girl in bed."

Good lord, Emma, if having your name grunted while the bloke unloads himself into you is "the most erotic serenade" you've experienced, you must have been either a virgin or incredibly unlucky.

There was pillow talk, too, of course:

"Then he was talking about how he rode beside the Queen on parade. He was impersonating her and doing her accent.

Both impersonating her and doing her accent? If only he'd spoken like her as well, eh?

"He was telling me about how one day there had been this really big parade and some new guards were brought in, so he and his friend were replaced.

"James said the Queen hadn't been consulted about the switch so when she sat in her carriage and looked around she was upset to find out they weren't there.

"Then James put on this royal voice and said how the Queen declared, ‘Listen you! Get my guards back right now!' James said she was really cool."

Of course, what would really tie this story up would be a wonderful coincidence. Can you do that for us, Emma?

"I was so excited because I'd just bought his album Back To Bedlam that day!"

Perfect. The cheque, we guess, will be in the post.

music james blunt