HEATHER MILLS WITHOUT HER SKIRTS

This morning's Sun is frothing at the edges with what it seems to think is the end of the world for Heather Mills.

Why? Has she been caught clubbing seals? Did she sneak into the Linda McCartney factory and drop pigs trotters into the production line?

No, it's just found out that, like a lot of models, she did some porn when she was younger.

Oddly, the paper that really only exists on account of its page three porn seems to have a fit of the vapours over the thought of someone taking all their clothes off. Indeed, Victoria Newton seems so unable to control herself, we can only imagine how her head would explode if she found out her wages were underwritten by eighteen year-old girls with their tits out:

LADY Heather McCartney posed in depraved pornographic clinches which are bound to sicken her estranged husband Sir Paul and his army of fans.

We're not sure, but we think that's the first time The Sun have ever called her Lady.

The ex-model was snapped in a string of lurid scenes for a hard core German book.

German! Bad enough she's discarded her undergarments, but she's parading herself for our World Cup nemesis. Does the woman have no shame?

Many of the images are too explicit to print in a family newspaper.

Happily for the regular Sun readers, they turn out to not be too lurid to describe in full. The paper does, however, manage to find some pictures that aren't too explicit to print in that family newspaper - alongside Zoe, 24, from London with her breasts out, and a snatched shot of one of the Big Brother girls's arses.

Of course, the paper is only printing these pictures as a public service, to allow Sir Paul and his army of fans to know exactly how sickened they're meant to be - although, if they're really only running them as a public service, why have they stuck an "Our lawyers are watching" banner over all of them? Only that makes it look a little like the paper is more worried about them appearing elsewhere and The Sun not being able to sell the pictures.

But that can't be the case, can it, because these pictures are depraved, aren't they?

Still, it's a bit of a surprise that a woman so rich and famous would appear in this German book, isn't it?

The porn shoot was published in 1988 — five years before the blonde became famous after losing her leg when hit by a police motorbike.

Oh. So it was the best part of twenty years ago, then?

Hang on - Victoria Newton's feeling queasy again:

Now 38 and mum to Sir Paul’s two-year-old Beatrice, she stopped at very little when she took part in the revolting snaps for Die Freuden Der Liebe — The Joys Of Love.

The filthy volume features 112 pages filled with pictures — and contains NO accompanying words.

Not only does she pretend to squirt cream on a man's knob, but there's no caption telling you that she's squirting cream a bloke's knob. If only they'd added some cutesy little speech bubbles, then it would have been just like the Sun's Dear Deirdre casebook photostories and as such fine, then.

It's fascinating to discover that the distinction between sickening porn and harmless fun is a few captions. Or is it the "filled with pictures" which is upsetting Victoria the most? Would she have been OK with the book if there'd been a few pages of white space?

So, in short, then: struggling model does porn shoot. Hardly something for a paper full of struggling wannabe models doing porn shoots (one that encourages girls to send in topless photos - get your mum, or a friend to take your photos for you) to suddenly start objecting to.

music rupert murdoch heather mills mccartney paul mccartney