HEATHER: NOW IT'S HOOKERS

With The Sun having given her a going-over for the porn all week, now they've handed Heather Mills McCartney over to the News of the World which excitedly claims to have a 'sworn affadavit' proving Mills' secret vice past.

The excitement over having something signed and legal is curious - are we to understand that normally the News runs this sort of thing on nothing more than a conversation and an honest face? Perish the thought.

In sworn affidavits we have evidence from the private secretary who paid Heather for pleasuring his billionaire master.

We think this oddly-written bit features three people, Heather, a secretary and a billionaire, rather than just Heather and a secretary who called his knob his "billionaire master", but it's hard to say. Since when did secretaries call their employers their "masters"? Okay, maybe in the Maggie Gyllenhaal movie.

And we have testimony from Denise Hewitt, the ex-wife of the heir to the Berkeley Homes empire, that she joined Heather for lesbian games and group sex when they were both London prostitutes.

"Lesbian games" are, of course, a little like those Reindeer Games Rudolf wasn't allowed to join in.

And we reveal that Heather's vice trade wasn't simply a moment of madness in her life. It went on for years.

So... we're given to understand that in the NOTW's moral universe, it's okay to charge for sex, providing it's a "moment of madness" (although, presumably, if it's just a moment, you won't be able to charge very much.)

Now, of course, this isn't just prurience - oh, no, the paper has a good reason for dredging this up. Public interest, of course. Um...

Heather, now 38, is locked in a split from ex-Beatle Paul and his £825 million fortune, Our revelations will have a shattering effect on her negotiations for a settlement.

Well, you can't come up with a more compelling public interest than trying to help a multimillionaire keep more of his multimillions, can you?

Besides, why would this have any influence at all? Even assuming that people's pasts somehow affect one way or another their entitlement to a divorce settlement, wouldn't it be incumbent on McCartney to ensure he was aware of his wife-to-be's past before marriage? And wouldn't all this have been important before, not after, the ceremony? It's not like there's a bit "if anyone knows of just cause or impediment, speak now, or hold on until the negotiations for divorce payouts."

A former escort girl named Petrina Montrose, who joined Heather for the Dorchester hotel orgy, told the News of the World: "Heather was a familiar face in our business.

"I worked with her when we were both hired for a party thrown by an Arab prince at the Dorchester."

Are you sure that was a real arab prince, and not the NOTW's pretend Arab prince?

There is a weakness in the News' story: they're implying there's something less-than-trustworthy about sex workers, and yet they're basing a large part of their story on, erm, quotes from a sex worker.

Rather than wade through the story (although there is a titilating reference to Lebanese food), here's the whole thing told entirely through the crossheads:

Foursome
Naked
Skin
Bedroom
Custody

[UPDATE: Heather Mills is denying it all in a statement:

"Heather Mills McCartney strongly denies the allegations in today's News of the World," her lawyers said.

"These are not new stories and were refuted by her lawyers four years ago when first raised.

"The sources clearly are a variety of unreliable persons who have been paid for these stories.

"The timing of the article is clearly designed to cause maximum hurt to Heather, her husband and family at this sensitive time."]

music heather mills mccartney prostitute paul mccartney