WHY, YES, HEATHER MILLS IS IN THE PAPERS TODAY

The Sun's excitement at having decided that the Big Brother Golden Housemate draw was a fix (it has an "exclusive" dossier of evidence that it could only possibly have drawn up by hundreds of staff hours of diligent research, or watching yesterday's Big Brother's Little Brother) doesn't mean it can't find space to continue banging away at Heather Mills. It follows up the NOTW story yesterday, making up imagining how Paul must have felt reading the details of Heather's past as a hooker. It would, of course, have been a terrible shock.

Except, as the paper admits:

Sir Paul blocked similar revelations about Heather from being published in 2002.

Oh. So not very much of a shock, then?

They try to suggest that it's different this time:

Friends say he did not know “the full ins-and-outs” of the story.

Do you see what they di... oh, you did? From quite a distance? With the naked eye?

Now Heather — who wed Sir Paul in 2002 and had daughter Beatrice two years later — is without his legal protection from the dirty deluge.

Unprotected dirty deluges are the worse.

Astonishnigly and unhelpfully, the boss of LIPA has popped up to give the sort of insight being a headmaster at Sandi Thom's old school can only offer:

Mark Featherstone-Witty — his partner at the Liverpool Institute of Performing Arts — told how Sir Paul was worried last week about what may come out, adding: “He said he feared more revelations over the weekend. I don’t think he has had much sleep.”

Yeah, Mark, I'll bet Paul was worried - what if hapless friends started giving on the record quotes to keep the story burning along, eh?

Meanwhile, the paper also throws cold water over Heather's plans to become a TV star in America:

One said: “She can never appear on US TV as a host, the American public wouldn’t stomach it. You do not get porn models appearing on mainstream TV."

Funny, we could have sworn we saw the porn Tyra Banks on the real Tyra Banks Show just a few days ago. Although, admittedly, that wasn't as a host. Besides, what the paper means is that people who've done porn in the past can't expect to appear on primetime TV. Madonna, for example, has never appeared on any of the networks after 4.35pm.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mirror has decided to sidestep the awkward question raised yesterday when its sister paper flatly contradicted its claims that McCartney knew all about the porn photos by focusing on the latest, more hookery allegations. The pair, apparently, spent an hour on the phone yesterday with Heather denying the News of the World reports. (Is it too soon for Vodaphone to suggest a celeb version of its "How long have you got?" ad campaign?)

music heather mills mccartney paul mccartney