PANIC AT THE MTV AWARDS

It's the 17th most glittering evening in US entertainment - the MTV VMAs. Or the "moonmen", as nobody outside of MTV calls them. The nominatons weren't much, so the winners were always going to be fairly lame:

VIDEO OF THE YEAR - Panic! at the Disco: "I Write Sins Not Tragedies''
BEST MALE VIDEO - James Blunt: "You're Beautiful''
BEST FEMALE VIDEO - Kelly Clarkson: "Because of You''
BEST GROUP VIDEO - The All-American Rejects: "Move Along''
BEST RAP VIDEO - Chamillionaire: "Ridin' ''
BEST R&B VIDEO - Beyonce Knowles featuring Slim Thug: "Check on It''
BEST HIP-HOP VIDEO - Black Eyed Peas: "My Humps''
BEST DANCE VIDEO - Pussycat Dolls featuring Snoop Dogg: "Buttons''
BEST ROCK VIDEO - AFI: "Miss Murder''
BEST POP VIDEO - Pink: "Stupid Girls''
BEST NEW ARTIST IN A VIDEO - Avenged Sevenfold: "Bat Country''
VIEWER'S CHOICE - Fall Out Boy: "Dance, Dance''
RINGTONE OF THE YEAR - Fort Minor: "Where'd You Go''
MTV2 AWARD - 30 Seconds to Mars: "The Kill''
BEST DIRECTION IN A VIDEO - Gnarls Barkley: "Crazy'' (Director: Robert Hales)
BEST CHOREOGRAPHY IN A VIDEO - Shakira f/ Wyclef Jean: "Hips Don't Lie''
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS IN A VIDEO - Missy Elliott: "We Run This''
BEST ART DIRECTION IN A VIDEO - Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Dani California''
BEST EDITING IN A VIDEO - Gnarls Barkley: "Crazy''
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY IN A VIDEO - James Blunt: "You're Beautiful''
BEST VIDEO GAME SOUNDTRACK - "Mark Ecko's Getting Up'' (Atari)
BEST VIDEO GAME SCORE - "Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion'' (Jeremy Soule)

We're a little bemused at the James Blunt awards - especially for "cinematography", which surely is just having a laught at his expense, isn't it? Actually, all the "craft" awards seem a little out of place in the MTV gong show.

You'll be delighted to hear that Jessica Simpson didn't go away empty-handed. She won a USD50,000 car in some sort of competition - because, you know, she's so needy; she also walked through the building shovelling freebies and swag into her pockets. Lucky she had a car to carry it all away in.

While Simpson was hoovering up the stuff, she nearly bumped into Nick Lachey, who she used to appear in a marriage with. Luckily, the pair of them were too busy cramming jewels and whatnot into their pockets to notice each other. And chances are, they probably don't remember what the other looks like.

Justin Timberlake didn't play the game - instead of hoofing up the all-important red carpet, he snuck in through the (sexy)back entrance; James Blunt was equally confused about what the press were there for:

"I think it's really important to realize that I sell music. I don't sell my private life."

So, turning up at a high-profile public event with your fairlysupermodel girlfriend and parading up and down the carpet is "selling music", then, is it?

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