As punk rock as, erm, a tabloid gossip column

Who, we found ourselves wondering - looking at the Towers of London a year or so back - would find this sort of thing in any way compelling or fresh? Perhaps the tourists who pay the part-time plastic punks for photos on Westminster Bridge might affect to be thrilled by them, but it's hard to see anyone who has got out much in the last thirty years confusing the Brothers Tourette with anti-authority music or radicalism.

Now, post Big Brother, it's become clearer: just as Paris Hilton is treated as if she was glamorous and fascinating because she's incredibly easy for the tabloids to write about, so Towers of London are like Babyshambles with press-releases ready to cut and paste. Taking the soft option to its logical conclusions, Donny Tourette has taken over 3AM in the Mirror. He doesn't really have a clue about music, can't string a sentence together and hangs about the extreme edge of celebrity, always desperate to be liked, so if they'd edited out the "fuckings" nobody would have noticed any difference, really. Here's a taste of his "insights":

The Arctic Monkeys have no sense of humour, they take themselves so seriously. They're drab, man.They try and be like Liam Gallagher, giving it all the mouth. But I love Liam, although he can be a moany old git at least he is funny. The Arctics claim to be all witty but they they're just fucking bland, in their songs and in person. They're not exactly rock and roll. Not like the Towers.

Lily Allen. She had a beef with Peaches Geldof, and did stuff behind her back.

I love Amy [Winehouse]. She's brilliant - she can really drink. A night out on the piss with her is a fun one. Me, Amy, the Gallaghers, and Pete Doherty should all head out on the town. That would be ace. Or pandemonium more like!

Pandemonium? What larks, Pip, what larks. Donny Tourette, given a platform, decides that the most important thing he has to say is that Lily Allen has had a row with Peaches Geldof. It's fine having a go at the Arctics for being "not exactly rock and roll", but choosing sides in a spat between two walking trust funds doesn't exactly make you Iggy, does it?

Next, he challenges Russell Brand to a "who can piss the highest" contest:

SHARPEN your sword Russell Brand because I'm challenging you to a pulling contest.

It will be a good match because I've lost count of how many women I've slept with since I hit 300 - and Russ has probably done the same.

Now, it's a while since we left high school, but we do remember the rule of thumb about how much credence you give to the boy who claims to have shagged loads of women. It's unlikely that even Tourette is still a virgin, but we don't really believe that he can count to 300 unaided, much less claim such experience.

Not to mention what sort of an idiot judges his sex life by quantity rather than quality.

YEAH, I know all about those rumours about me and Joss Stone.

Curiously, if you run a Google on "Danny Tourette" "Joss Stone", there don't seem to be any rumours... indeed, just two quality websites are returned, and I know for a fact one of them has never suggested anything between the pair.

Of course, you can't really be a tabloid gossip columnist without a story about Pete Doherty:

I'VE only done crack once, and it was with Pete Doherty after a Babyshambles gig.

We toured together a little bit and it was totally fucked up.

He's a fucking legend and is totally for real - so don't diss him.

A testimonal of veracity from Danny Tourette. It's like a certificate of authenticity from Arthur Daley.

There's just time for some "questions" from "readers" - although since none of them are "who the fuck are you" and "this is a joke, right", we're guessing they're just made up:

WHICH OTHER BANDS DO YOU LIKE?

Jack Murphy, 18, Liverpool

ME: There's a new band called The Twang who will be fucking huge this year. It's fucking real lads' music, none of this manufactured shit like S Club fucking 7.

Nice to see Danny is so passionate about music all he can think to say in support of a band is "they're not like a pop group which split up four years ago."

Whoever thought you'd want to see the 3AM Girls hurry back to the office?

music donny tourette towers of london joss+stone