Noel warns Liam, apparently

Poor Victoria Newton: she's got hold of a story which claims that Noel Gallagher was so hacked off with how poor Liam's vocals were at the Brits that he's issued a lot of (over-inflated and empty) threats:

A source said: “Noel had some harsh words for Liam after the show.

“He thought Liam’s voice was too nasal and well off his best. He reckons his singing is becoming more pub karaoke than professional."

Trouble is, of course, any Sun readers who rely on Newton for their showbiz coverage might find this a little surprising, since she found no room to mention how rubbish Liam's singing was before. Come, watch Victoria flap in the wind to try and fold Noel's criticisms into her own opinion:

I have to agree with Noel.

I thought Oasis were brilliant at the Brits, blasting out an explosion of sound at Earl’s Court. But the crowd’s singing drowned out Liam’s vocals.

Having watched it back on TV, he seemed short of breath and strained his voice to the point where he sounded like a caricature of himself. His swagger was still superb and attitude seeped from every pore.

Oh, good. He's seeping arrogance from his armpits. That'll sound brilliant on the next album. "Sorry, Liam, the microphone isn't picking up the swagger - could you hunch your shoulders and look a little like a tramp in a wind-tunnel a bit closer to the mic, please?"

Ominously for Liam, the 3AM Girls have a quote from Noel which suggests that, like Guigsy and Bonehead, Liam could find himself being thrown from the balloon. Let's all try and pay attention to Noel, who will be interesting, and let's not let our attention wander off, shall we?:

"If I was a solo artist I'd be the biggest solo artist in the country, easy, no messing. I'd be bigger than Elvis.

"I've seen a lot of people from other bands go solo and end up very lonely boys. But don't ever think I couldn't do it. I could."

Yes... bigger than Elvis... of course... or the size of Paul Weller, certainly... or maybe Simon Webbe and Duncan James locked forever in a secret kiss... solonolo... oh...