You start with Morrissey... and work your way down to this

Although Morrissey has ruled himself out of the Eurovision race, that doesn't mean Britain won't be represented in Helsinki by some top-flight entertainers.

Oh, actually: yes, it does. Justin Hawkins is going to be competing.

As is Natasha Hamilton - yes, Atomic Kitten's Natasha Hamilton.

And so are Big Brovaz. Yes, the poor man's Fugees (all phew, no gee) who are planning a comeback in early Spring.

Oh, and Brian Harvey, fresh from the newly rebroken East 17 and hoping that no rogue potato might frustrate him again.

And Scooch. Yes, Mike Stock and Matt Aitken's proof that Pete Waterman was the magic ingredient. They're embarking on a second comeback - you'll remember, of course, they reunited in 2004.

The only fresh face - the Chantelle in a room full of Prestons, if you will - is Cyndi. Such is the reek of old men at the youth club with the other contestants, we did make sure it was a new popstar and not Cyndi Lauper.

God help us all. We're backing France.