So, Girls Aloud haven't split... yet

Now the News of the World has finally updated its website (why is their online offering so poor? It's not even Web 1.0; it's more like ARPANET+), the Girls Aloud split story is a little more puzzling: it's a detailed rundown on what the girls will do when they split. This summer, apparently:

An insider said the girls, who have a Greatest Hits tour coming up in May and June, will go their separate ways in September after a series of summer festival appearances.

"Like the Spice Girls, they won't announce they've split, just that they have ‘taken a break'."

...which sounds like a pre-emptive attempt to explain away why they don't split if they're still going next year to us.

So, what can we expect next, then?

Sarah Harding, 25, wants to break into acting—and dreams of becoming a Bond girl.

Sarah said: "Acting is an avenue I want to explore. I'd love to be in a Bond film."

It's perhaps unsurprising that the NOTW assumes this means she wants to appear in a bikini, get shagged by Geordie off Our Friends In The North, and then have herself killed by an evil henchman - but could she not mean she'd quite like a crack at M or Q? Or perhaps Oddjob. She'd make a smashing Oddjob.

Irish babe Nadine Coyle, 21, wants to act too. She hopes to move to Los Angeles and appear on the small screen — and be near boyfriend Jesse Metcalfe, the Desperate Housewives hunk.

The small screen? She wants to to work on mobile-only projects? We're sure Nadine will be a wonderful success. We'll keep scanning the extras in the background of How I Met Your Mother to see if she fulfills her potential.

Kimberley Walsh, 25, and Nicola Roberts, 21, both plan to become high-flying businesswomen.

How does one do that? Do you put it at the top of your business plan?

"I intend to run a business of some sort and become a high-flying businesswoman."

It's a little bit like stage two... stage three: profit, isn't it?

Cheryl Cole, 23, will stay in the music business, aiming for solo success.

We notice the paper has carefully worded this to suggest it ain't gonna happen.

Nadine should have tried for the solo career; Cheryl could have had a crack at a presenting career (two years on ITV2; half a decade on Sky Sports; then a gentle decline into Gems TV2 and a weekend breakfast show on BBC Radio Wiltshire)... the others? Well, Marks and Spencers seem to need a lot of people for their ads these days. And there's always George at Asda.