At least we know...

While argument and counter argument rages over the veracity of Beyonce's performance at the inauguration...



... at least we can be sure Kimberley Walsh wasn't lip-synching at the National Television Awards.

Gordon in the morning: Singing from the same sheet

Girls Aloud can't remember their own songs, apparently:

GIRLS ALOUD were never going to be candidates for Mensa – and they proved that again at yesterday’s Jingle Bell Ball.

CHERYL, KIMBERLEY, NICOLA, SARAH and NADINE needed lyric sheets to remember their tunes and what parts they each sing.

If you're going to start accusing people of being a bit thick, you might want to not be confusing membership of Mensa - which is obsessed IQ - with being able to remember things, a different mental discipline altogether.

More curiously, this introduction suggests that the group were reading the lyrics while they were playing the Jingle Bell Ball. But read the quotes the story is built upon:

Cheryl, who also sang solo at the ball with WILL.I.AM on Saturday, admitted: “In rehearsals I was singing Kimberley’s lines and she was like, ‘Cheryl, you don’t sing that’ and I was like, ‘I’m sorry.’ ”

Kimberley added: “We needed lyric sheets for every single song — it was so funny.”

That makes it sound like they needed lyric sheets in rehearsal. Which, while surprising, is surely the sort of problem that groups hold rehearsals to deal with?

Gordon in the morning: If a Madonna falls over and makes no noise...

It's Wednesday morning, and Gordon has got video of Madonna flopping onstage. Twice. On Saturday.

Madonna sparks concern after at gig in Sofia

Sparks concern? Although, apparently, the news has been shared by a postcard?

Even a couple of years ago, it's hard to imagine that if Madonna went down on a Saturday night, she'd have to wait for the pictures to appear in The Sun for four days while Gordon made up polls about Oasis.

Meanwhile, Gordon's suddenly come over all moral about people showing too much flesh again, as he runs an advert for New Look disguised as photos of Kimberley Walsh:

THIS is a lesson to LADY GAGA on how to look sexy without exposing her Fallopian tubes.

Here is KIMBERLEY WALSH flaunting her best asset in this exclusive first shot from her modelling job for New Look.

It's a photo of Kimberley with a tight dress clinging to her arse.

The GIRLS ALOUD singer proudly showed off her curves in a tight black sequined dress.

It sounds a little like Gordon's line here is "you know, you can crack one out over a photo even if it's got clothes in it", but I'm sure that's not really what he means.

New Look and KitKat, Kimberley? That's quite some top-end modelling you're doing there. The top end of the High Street, perhaps, but at least it's a top end.

So, Girls Aloud haven't split... yet

Now the News of the World has finally updated its website (why is their online offering so poor? It's not even Web 1.0; it's more like ARPANET+), the Girls Aloud split story is a little more puzzling: it's a detailed rundown on what the girls will do when they split. This summer, apparently:

An insider said the girls, who have a Greatest Hits tour coming up in May and June, will go their separate ways in September after a series of summer festival appearances.

"Like the Spice Girls, they won't announce they've split, just that they have ‘taken a break'."

...which sounds like a pre-emptive attempt to explain away why they don't split if they're still going next year to us.

So, what can we expect next, then?

Sarah Harding, 25, wants to break into acting—and dreams of becoming a Bond girl.

Sarah said: "Acting is an avenue I want to explore. I'd love to be in a Bond film."

It's perhaps unsurprising that the NOTW assumes this means she wants to appear in a bikini, get shagged by Geordie off Our Friends In The North, and then have herself killed by an evil henchman - but could she not mean she'd quite like a crack at M or Q? Or perhaps Oddjob. She'd make a smashing Oddjob.

Irish babe Nadine Coyle, 21, wants to act too. She hopes to move to Los Angeles and appear on the small screen — and be near boyfriend Jesse Metcalfe, the Desperate Housewives hunk.

The small screen? She wants to to work on mobile-only projects? We're sure Nadine will be a wonderful success. We'll keep scanning the extras in the background of How I Met Your Mother to see if she fulfills her potential.

Kimberley Walsh, 25, and Nicola Roberts, 21, both plan to become high-flying businesswomen.

How does one do that? Do you put it at the top of your business plan?

"I intend to run a business of some sort and become a high-flying businesswoman."

It's a little bit like stage two... stage three: profit, isn't it?

Cheryl Cole, 23, will stay in the music business, aiming for solo success.

We notice the paper has carefully worded this to suggest it ain't gonna happen.

Nadine should have tried for the solo career; Cheryl could have had a crack at a presenting career (two years on ITV2; half a decade on Sky Sports; then a gentle decline into Gems TV2 and a weekend breakfast show on BBC Radio Wiltshire)... the others? Well, Marks and Spencers seem to need a lot of people for their ads these days. And there's always George at Asda.