Gordon in the morning: If a Madonna falls over and makes no noise...

It's Wednesday morning, and Gordon has got video of Madonna flopping onstage. Twice. On Saturday.

Madonna sparks concern after at gig in Sofia

Sparks concern? Although, apparently, the news has been shared by a postcard?

Even a couple of years ago, it's hard to imagine that if Madonna went down on a Saturday night, she'd have to wait for the pictures to appear in The Sun for four days while Gordon made up polls about Oasis.

Meanwhile, Gordon's suddenly come over all moral about people showing too much flesh again, as he runs an advert for New Look disguised as photos of Kimberley Walsh:

THIS is a lesson to LADY GAGA on how to look sexy without exposing her Fallopian tubes.

Here is KIMBERLEY WALSH flaunting her best asset in this exclusive first shot from her modelling job for New Look.

It's a photo of Kimberley with a tight dress clinging to her arse.

The GIRLS ALOUD singer proudly showed off her curves in a tight black sequined dress.

It sounds a little like Gordon's line here is "you know, you can crack one out over a photo even if it's got clothes in it", but I'm sure that's not really what he means.

New Look and KitKat, Kimberley? That's quite some top-end modelling you're doing there. The top end of the High Street, perhaps, but at least it's a top end.

Beth Ditto puts some clothes on

We're not entirely sure there's any agreement at all yet, but the Beth Ditto flexible morality chart is allowing her to consider designing a fashion range for New Look. Now, perhaps, this will be a range in actual girl sizes, but if Ditto is true to what she says she believes in, shouldn't she be telling them to make all their clothing in larger sizes, rather than creating a Ditto-ghetto for larger women in the corner of the store?

Lily Allen confuses self with Beth Ditto

Considering that last night Lily Allen was saying she didn't have the time for worrying about Cheryl Tweedy no more, she's spent a lot of time talking to the Mirror about her. The trouble is that Allen is now trying to remake a showbiz-glitz spat into something more serious. She's fighting for women with eating disorders:

"There's nothing wrong with the way I look. I'm not overweight. I'm just not really, really thin.

"I don't feel that I over-eat, I'm just not someone who wants to live on a diet.

"And I haven't got time to go to the gym for 90 minutes every day.

"You see Girls Aloud in their skimpy outfits - that's the only image of women we ever see - so you start to assume that that's the correct way of looking and actually it isn't.

"There are a lot of young girls up and down the country still sticking their fingers down their throats and not eating anything.

"I've never had any eating disorders but I've had lots of friends who have and I think it's really sad.

"I'd rather encourage people who are reading all this stuff in the newspapers and magazines that they shouldn't feel bad about themselves. Everyone looks fine.

"What people like Cheryl Tweedy say isn't important.

"As far as I was concerned," says Lily, "I was trying to do something positive 9at New Look], you know, promote women of a larger size and make people feel better about their physical appearance."

All very laudable. Although, as Allen says, she's not overweight - she's not even chubby, so it's just as (if not more) dangerous for a woman of a normal body size to keep telling the media that she represents a "larger" body size - because most girls know the stick-thin look is unhealthy, but if you're comparing yourself to Allen, and she's saying she's chunky - what hope do you have?

And, if Allen is so empowering, how many of the dresses in her New Look range will fit a girl size 16 or above?

And to the point: Tweedy didn't call you fat - she said you looked like a tranny. Different thing entirely.

Keith Allen's daughter 'surprised' by support

Lily Allen's range of clothes for New Look has now been deployed on the high street - doubtless your office today is full of women, and the odd bloke, wearing something off the shoulder and horribly clashy ("brightly coloured"). Lily, of course, is attempting some false modesty:

At the launch party she said: "I'm still really freaked out because I usually get really bad press so I feel like everybody hates me.

"I don't really understand why anyone would come and buy these dresses so I am preparing for the shame of tumbleweed in Oxford Street when no one wants them."

Naturally, because New Look would have signed you up and given you a wodge of cash in the expectation that the dresses would end up being recycled into rags for cleaners.

And you "usually get really bad press", do you? Yes, all those fawning pieces about how you're a style icon, and so much more down to earth than Kate Moss, and being called one of the coolest people in rock by the NME - it's just slap, after slap, after slap, isn't it?

This just in: Lily Allen won't wear Moss

Well, that's a total shock: New Look designer Lily Allen says she won't be wearing Top Shop designer Kate Moss' clothes.

Tomorrow: "I'm not tempted by a Big Mac", reveals Burger King.

Lily Allen: The responsible face of fashion

Because Lily Allen can't nip out for a coffee without telling everyone how much better she is than everyone else, she's turning her shabby New Look 'clothing range' into a war of blahs with Kate Moss:

"I like what New Look are doing and I like what they are about.

"They have responsible role models like me and Drew Barrymore and they're very conscious of having positive body images and promoting positive women.

"Unlike Kate Moss and that fucking billionaire who's thrown a load of money at her so we get to see what her wardrobe is like. It's madness."

We suspect that's Philip Green who's feeling Allen's tongue there. But are New Look really "promoting positive women"? Why, then, do their sizes stop at 14, forcing anyone larger to buy from a really stunted (and, frankly, hideous) "different" range? In what way is that different from Top Shop's policy?

Someone from Lily's team tries to make this sound less like sour grapes at landing a much smaller deal with a less prominent store, and more like some sort of battle:

"Lily can't stand the way Kate Moss is put on a pedestal and held up as this amazing role model. Here's a woman who was caught taking cocaine, is going out with a crackhead junkie and is still feted as the queen of cool. At least Lily is straight talking and honest about who she is.

"She's also totally against size zero models, she wants to promote healthy body images. She wants to say to young girls, 'Be happy the way you are and don't try to be like these scrawny girls.'"

Hmmm. Another celeb collection at New Look - the one modelled by Drew Barrymore, in fact - is Gold by Giles Deacon. While it's great that Giles chose a slightly less thin model for his High Street store, this on the left is one of his London Fashion Week creations. Hardly looks like she enjoys a good meal, does she? Doubtless Lily will soon be piping up on New Look giving large sums to designers like Giles who use painfully thin models. Or perhaps not.

She's known in New Look, she's got a card there

Further evidence of just how seriously Keith Allen's daughter takes her music career - she's signed up to "design" a range of clothes for New Look. Yes, New Look. Presumably Peacocks didn't come up with a convincing enough offer.